How to Practice Active Listening

How to Be A Good Listener

Are you really listening to someone?


Have your loved ones felt worse after sharing their experience with you? Or have you felt misunderstood and not heard by your loved ones after confiding in them?

These are common encounters and it is frustrating to not be able to help our loved ones feel better. So how can we prevent such situations and improve on our understanding of others? The answer is to practice active listening! 

What is active listening?

Active listening is a technique of listening and responding that encourages in-depth comprehension and enhances mutual understanding. It emphasizes the importance of both nonverbal and verbal behaviours, unconditional acceptance, and unbiased reflection of the speaker’s feelings and experiences.

Active listening is commonly used in situations such as during counselling, training, getting feedbacks, and solving disputes. It is also an important part of effective communication and building trusting relationships! 

The powerful benefits of being an active listener

1. Build trust and stronger bonds through active listening 

Knowing that they will not be judged or interrupted when sharing, people will feel safe and comfortable to confide in you. This is very important when it comes to building trust and relationships. And when you engage in more conversations and sharing with others, you will get to know the speaker more and form a stronger and closer bond together! 

2. How active listening resolves miscommunication issues  

Any miscomprehension of information can be corrected and processed to prevent further misunderstanding. When we ask questions, we are gathering the information we need to solve any communication problems. We will get to clarify the intentions and true feelings of others, which may have come across to us differently.   

3. The role of active listening in capturing and retaining key information 

Research has shown that we can remember conversations better when we are actively contributing to the conversation. Active learning allows us to listen and participate in the conversation such that we won’t miss out on important information and can remember them better.    

4. Emotional benefits of active listening 

Active listening creates a sense of emotional awareness that helps the speakers feel better as the listeners acknowledge their feelings. The neutral setting and non-judgemental environment also help the speakers to keep calm and not get defensive. This also prevents them from bottling up their emotions, which will only make them feel worse and result in more problems in the future.

Now that we know the importance and impact of active listening in our day-to-day interactions, it’s time to learn about the skills involved! 

Mastering active listening skills to become a better listener, for better communication 

Ψ Be Present In The Conversation 

  • Face the speaker with an open posture (e.g. arms and legs uncrossed) to show your interest in the conversation and that you are giving your full attention. 

  • Maintain eye contact to show respect to the speaker and that you are actively listening.  

  • Give small nods or a simple verbal comment (e.g. uh-huh/mm hmm) to encourage the speaker to continue sharing without being interruptive.  

  • Avoid turning your attention to surrounding factors and put aside distracting thoughts! 
     

Ψ Do not interrupt when the speaker is sharing 

  • Allow the speaker to finish talking before asking questions or responding. 

  • Do not prepare to counter with a rebuttal — we are not here to put down anyone or make counterarguments to determine who is right or wrong!  

  • Have a short wait time after the speaker spoke as it will sometimes prompt him/her to add on more details that he/she is reluctant or hesitate to share previously  

Ψ Be observant during conversations  

  • Observe the speaker’s body language — is he/she showing signs of nervousness or anxiety despite saying he/she is fine?   

  • Notice the tone of his/her voice.  

  • Listen between the lines — what does the speaker want, how does he/she truly feel? 

Ψ Clarifying questions 

  • Does the speaker want solutions or advice from us or simply just want us to empathize with him/her? 

  • This allows better understanding as our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear and understand.  

  • E.g. “I don’t understand what you meant by…”, “What do you mean when you said...”, “Would you prefer if I suggest solutions or just be a listening ear?”
     

Ψ Rephrase or summarise what you heard 

  • This will help you process and reflect on what you heard. 

  • The speaker can correct you if there is any misinterpretation. 

  • The speaker will feel heard and understood by you. 

  • E.g. “Am I right to say that...”, “….is that what you mean?”, “Sounds like you are saying...” 




Fun fact: Did you know that our short-term memory can only hold information for up to 30 seconds?

Therefore, we need to actively listen to one another to make sure there is no miscommunication and we can bring our message across accurately. It is also important to treat others in a way that you think they would appreciate or you would want them to treat you. It takes time and conscious effort to become a better listener, but with practice and love for your loved ones, you will definitely master active listening quickly! 

You may also wish to seek professional help with one of our experienced clinical psychologists together with your loved ones to have an in-depth discussion on how to improve your communication skills and forge stronger relationships! 

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Understanding Healthy Boundaries: What Are They and Why Are They Important?

Boundaries set intangible and tangible limits to life. Boundaries are essential yet often difficult to establish.  

“I don’t want conflicts, it’s just easier this way.” 

“Sigh, my boss asked me to OT out of nowhere, I already had plans, I wished he told me sooner.” 

“I only gave in to him (intimate partner) because I’m afraid he would think that I don’t love him otherwise.” 

Do these statements sound familiar?

Many times, we struggle to set boundaries in our daily lives in fear that it will cause unnecessary conflicts or it will make us look bad. As a result, we may face inconveniences; be it doing things out of our way or getting bullied into doing things we may not be 100% comfortable with.

This is fortunately very common and you’re not alone for the sole reason that we, humans, are social creatures. We place great value in the relationships around us, and sometimes in the process, may forgo ourselves and our own needs.

However, setting healthy boundaries are essential for our mental and physical health, because your needs matter too! Here are some steps to kickstart creating healthy boundaries in your life:

The Art of Enforcing Boundaries: Tips for Establishing and Maintaining Healthy Limits

1. Take a step back and think about what matters most to you 

Some questions to get the ball rolling: 

  1. What is important to you?  

  2. What are your values?  

  3. What are some things that make you uncomfortable?

  4. What are some things you have difficulty asking for?  

This helps you organize your thoughts and understand what you feel strongly for, what your values are, and what your priorities are. Doing so allows you to gain a clearer idea on what boundaries you would like to put in place.  

2. Be clear and precise when stating what matters to you 

You want to be heard and understood with clarity. Allowing others to first understand your boundaries will reduce misunderstandings, and stop the vicious cycle of constantly feeling like your boundaries are being violated. 

Here’s an example:

You may have a personal boundary of not wanting others to invade your personal space. When you fail to let this boundary be known, and get upset or angry when your personal space is being violated, others may misunderstand this as you being upset further violated your personal space with the intention to comfort you. This could result in you feeling more uncomfortable as your personal space is being violated. This can be avoided with the communication of your boundary. 

You may want to attempt this with those you’re most comfortable with, such as your partner, family members, or close friends. 

An example of being clear and precise when delivering your boundaries to others:  

 
 

3. Be assertive when stating your boundaries and follow through with the consequences you’ve stated should the boundary be violated 

Avoid engaging in the subsequent feelings of guilt or shame of that boundary, you may waiver in that situation. Not following through with the consequences you’ve stated will reduce the respect one has for the boundary you’ve stated. 

An example of delivering your boundaries assertively:  

 
 

In this case, if individual still proceeds with vulgarities, leave the conversation instead of continuing to engage in the conversation.

4. Don’t be sorry or afraid when asking for help, even with the possibility of rejection  

We tend to subconsciously start off a sentence with “I’m sorry but…” when asking for help. It is completely normal to ask for help, so be confident about it. Your needs are as important as other people’s needs. Asking for help does not mean you are incompetent, but rather, a task could simply require additional clarification or it could be out of your area of expertise - this happens to even the best of us.

However, there are times where help may not readily come your way when you need them. Respectfully accept the “no” just like how you would like your “no” to be respectfully accepted and find someone else who can help you.

5. Don’t be afraid to say “no” 

This may be difficult for some in fear of “looking bad” or “being viewed as lazy or not a team player”. However, as much it is important to help others, it should not be done at the expense of yourself. This is in not suggesting that you be selfish or self-centered, but to respect the boundaries of your personal time, personal capabilities, and what may be out of your control.   

Saying “no” can be done assertively yet respectfully.  

Examples of ways you can say “no” assertively yet respectfully:  

 
 

6. Be in charge of your own needs  

This will require you to understand what matters most to you. You know yourself best, including your needs. Avoid depending on others to meet your needs or to tell you what is best for you. Setting boundaries based on your own needs is in no way being selfish, but a form of self-love and self-care. Be fair to yourself and be mindful about putting yourself in avoidable situations that may end up being undesirable.   

Establishing clear healthy boundaries may be uncomfortable for some, but remember that your needs matter too. Start off with those closest to you to build your confidence! 

How to Forgive Someone

The Art of Forgiveness

How do I forgive someone when they have brought me so much hurt?

Who hasn’t been hurt by the actions or words of another? Be it from your family or friends (or even a stranger!), we are likely to encounter situations where others say or do something that hurts us deeply. When this occurs, it is normal to experience and to cling onto feelings of anger, resentment, and pain. On the other side of the same coin, forgiveness is challenging – in fact, it is one of the toughest things to do.

What is forgiveness?

Even the term “forgiveness” is a tricky one. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean entirely forgiving the person or condoning their actions. Instead, forgiveness means that you make an active decision to accept what has happened rather than hanging onto the “could’ve” and “should’ve”. It involves letting go and freeing yourself from the hurt and pain that others have caused. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you and brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

Why should I forgive others? Why should I make the effort to forgive when holding onto the negative feelings seem so much easier? 

Forgiving someone can certainly be difficult and it is even harder when the other party does not seem apologetic. Despite this, forgiveness is the healthiest path forward. Forgiveness comes with an array of positive benefits on our mental and physical well-being, including increased self-confidence, optimism, reduced stress, and having a more positive outlook on life.

How do I forgive someone? Understanding and Letting Go of Anger and Resentment

One way to look at the situation is from an acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) approach. ACT involves acknowledging and accepting unwanted experiences that are beyond your control and committing to engage in concrete actions that will improve and enrich your life instead.  

ACTing Towards Forgiveness

Let’s take a look at how the 6 core processes of ACT can be helpful with the process of forgiveness:  

1. Cognitive Defusion  

Cognitive defusion involves learning to recognize that thoughts, memories, feelings, and other cognitions are simply bits of language and images that are nonthreatening, nor are they hard truths and facts. To do so, take on a third-person perspective when looking at what is going on in your mind – just like stepping back and viewing your reflection in a mirror! Separate the unpleasant and unwelcome cognitions from yourself. The opposite of this is known as cognitive fusion, where you get entangled in your thoughts, memories, and feelings. 

Rather than replaying the event and wallowing in anger, there’s a better way to cope. One method is through journaling, which turns thoughts and worries into mere words that are not related to you. 

It sounds difficult, that’s for sure. But with practice, you should ultimately learn to face negative experiences and come out the other side with a decreased fixation on the hurt and pain experienced.

2. Acceptance  

When others cause us any form of hurt, it is normal to experience negative emotions. In fact, it is often these intense emotions that make it so hard to forgive someone. Whenever we experience hurt and anger, it is practically instinctive for us to try to avoid it and quash them. After all, no one enjoys wallowing in negativity. Rather than suppressing those emotions, try practicing accepting them instead. Acceptance involves allowing those unpleasant experiences to exist and embracing them without trying to deny or change them. It does not necessarily mean endorsement or justification, but simply acknowledging that you don’t have power or control over the past. 

For example, you may feel resentment towards your parents for failing to spend time with you as a child. You may feel upset and resentment as a result. However, it has already happened and there is nothing you can do to change the past. So, if you’re feeling angry, it is okay to acknowledge that you feel that way.  

By opening up and allowing your unpleasant feelings to come and go without struggling with, running from, or giving them undue attention, we find ourselves much less bothered by them. This also enables those feelings to move on more quickly, instead of hanging around and bothering us. 

3. Contact with the Present Moment  

How often do you find yourself mindlessly going back in time, revisiting something that happened and imagining all the other ways it could have panned out? 

This step requires you to re-focus on your present environment and self in a non-judgemental manner, and less on what has happened in the past or may happen in the future. When you experience the present world with more openness, interest, and receptiveness, you will have a greater ability to behave in a manner that is more in line with the values that you hold. 

Let’s say you are upset at a friend who stabbed you in the back. You may spend time reliving the moment, critiquing your friend’s actions, or regretting not telling them off.  

Although it is natural for negative experiences to grab our attention (this is known as the negativity bias!), we also have to acknowledge that past events are irreversible. You could have responded better, you should have known better, but you cannot change the past — so why not try to accept what is happening right now? As you immerse yourself in the present, describe events to yourself in an objective manner as they occur without placing any judgments or labels on them. Doing so will free you from the hurtful past (or future) and give you more control over your behaviour. When you start focusing more on the present, you spend less time judging and criticising both yourself and others. 

4. The Observing Self 

When we think of our self, what commonly comes to mind is our physical self (our body) and our thinking self (our mind). This “thinking self” is always hard at work as we try to understand the world and problem-solve whenever we can. However, there is another part of our self that steps back and simply observes without getting involved in the battle of our thoughts. This is the “observing self”. 

The observing self is not a thought or a feeling per se, but more of an awareness that you are thinking and feeling because you are aware of your thoughts and emotions.  

“I am my body, and I am more than my body; I am my feelings and I am more than my feelings; I am my mind and yet I am more than my mind.” 

As we go through life, our thoughts and feelings constantly change: at times you feel anxious, sad, angry, or frustrated. Instead of dwelling about your thoughts and judging your own emotions, why not try to simply observe and be aware of your own flow of experiences without attachments and investments? When this happens, defusion and acceptance is fostered. The observing self will allow you to observe difficult thoughts, feelings, and memories as peripheral aspects of ourselves, but as they constantly change, they are not the essence of who we are. By engaging the observing self as we encounter unpleasant experiences, we often find that things we were dreading become much less bothersome than they were before, giving us the capacity to disidentify from pain and unhappiness, making experiences more bearable. 

5. Values – What matters to you? 

Now that we’ve learnt to embrace our internal experiences and to observe them non-judgementally, the next step is to get to doing. 

How do we do this? We use our core values to guide our behaviour. Think of values as the qualities you care the most about. They have to do with what sort of person you want to be, what principles you want to stand for in life, and what you ultimately experience as your true drive that you choose to work towards. Values help you to steer your actions toward what is meaningful to you and is important in motivating you to make significant changes so you can lead a fulfilling life. When we are guided by our values, not only do we experience a greater sense of purpose and joy, but we also see that life can be rich and meaningful even when “bad” things are happening to us. 

Sometimes, when we get caught up with life, we may lose track of our values or even be unclear of what they are. Although this is not ideal, we can acknowledge that it happens, and make an effort to be mindful of our values moving forward. 

How then, can we be mindful of our values? One way is to take some time to think about how you want to be remembered, or the things that you would disapprove of if others did them. Perhaps you may realize that you value empathy and compassion. While these values may clash with the hurt that you are experiencing, the reality is that we sometimes must prioritize one value of another, asking ourselves “What is most important at this moment in my life that will help me be the person I want to be so I can lead a meaningful and fulfilling life?”

6. Take Committed Actions According to your Values 

You’re almost there, this is the final step! 

Now that you have a clearer sense of the values you wish to live by, the last step is to engage in actual behaviors that are guided by your values even in the presence of obstacles. You can do so by setting goals that are in line with your personal values and beliefs. This allows you to create a fulfilling and satisfying quality of life! 

Committed actions means engaging in large patterns of effective action that are driven and guided by core values. To be effective, you must be willing to be flexible. Life will inevitably change, throw different kinds of challenges at you, and there will be occasions where your behaviours fall short. Being flexible means that you take the time to reassess your actions and get them back in line with your values. This can be achieved by setting realistic goals based on your values and gets easier with time and practice!

Indeed, forgiveness is challenging. The thought of forgiving someone who has hurt you comes along with a host of overwhelming emotions stemming from both the person and the event itself.

Conversely, forgiveness is also powerful. While we’re unable to change the past, we can control how we respond to future events. Applying these strategies will initially be tough, and that is alright. Your feelings and reactions are normal (and shared by many people in similar circumstances). Know that with patience and time, it will get easier!