Vaginismus: Mental Health Support & Coping Strategies

What is Vaginismus?  

Something to do with the vagina?   

Yup! Vaginismus is when the muscles around the vaginal area tense up involuntarily whenever something tries to go in, be it a tampon, a penis, or even during a pelvic exam. Vaginismus tension can cause discomfort or pain, making penetration difficult or even impossible. It’s a condition that can affect intimacy and sometimes reduce sexual desire because let’s face it, pain and pleasure don’t exactly go hand-in-hand.  

Shhhh! Are You Too Shy to Talk About It?  

We get it—talking about vaginas isn’t everyone’s idea of light conversation over kopi. But here’s a surprising fact: vaginismus is one of the top sexual health concerns among Singaporean women.   

According to KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital (KKH), 9 out of 10 patients at their Sexual Health Clinic are diagnosed with vaginismus. That’s a lot! And it’s likely underreported because talking about sex-related issues can still feel paiseh in our culture.  

What Causes Vaginismus?  

There’s no single cause of vaginismus, but vaginismus often stems from a mix of emotional, psychological, or social factors such as:  

Trauma or Negative Experiences: Past sexual abuse or trauma can trigger an involuntary fear response.  

Psychological Factors: Anxiety about pain, whether from fears of tearing the hymen or worries about the penis being “too big”, can create a mental block that the body physically reacts to.  

Cultural and Social Influences: Growing up in environments where sex is considered taboo or shameful can lead to anxiety and aversion to intimacy.    

Other possible causes include prior injuries or medical conditions.  

Vaginismus and Your Mental Health  

Here’s where the mind-body connection comes into play. Anxiety is often at the root, creating a frustrating cycle: the fear of pain causes muscle tightening, which leads to pain, which then reinforces the fear and repeats the cycle.  

Over time, this can affect self-esteem, with thoughts like, “Am I abnormal?” or “Am I failing as a partner?” are all too common. Partners may also feel confused or frustrated, especially if they don’t understand what’s happening. Without support, this stress can lead to depression.  

Can I Ever Experience Comfortable Intercourse Again?  

Here’s the good news: vaginismus is treatable, and we don’t have to face it alone. Options like pelvic floor therapy, counselling, and gradual desensitisation can work wonders. A good first step is speaking with a gynaecologist or psychologist to uncover the underlying causes and find the best way forward.  

If anxiety is a key factor, here are some psychological strategies to try:  

Ψ Self-compassion  

Remind yourself that painful or uncomfortable intercourse is not your fault. Vaginismus is a physical and emotional response, not a reflection of your feelings or capabilities.  

Reframing your thoughts and tell yourself “It’s not that I don’t love my partner; it’s just that this feels painful right now.” Allow yourself to take some time and accept that you might be experiencing vaginismus and remember that treatments are available.   

Ψ Relax your body  

A) 4-7-8 Breathing  

B) Progressive muscle relaxation 

C) Guided imaginary     

1. Sit or lie down in a quiet and cosy spot. 

2. Close your eyes and take deep breaths.  

3. Picture a serene place, like a quiet beach with the sound of waves. Imagine what you can see, hear, smell, touch and taste.  

4. Visualise your body relaxing, rooted to the ground (especially around the pelvic area – hips, back, abdomen), and with each exhale, feel the tension leaving your body.  

5. Hold onto this peaceful image, breathing slowly and deeply, for a few minutes. Let the calm wash over you.  

And of course, communicate openly with your partner! Honestly share your feelings and struggles while explaining what you’re going through. Together, you can discuss ways to approach intimacy that feels safe and comfortable.  

How do I support my partner who has vaginismus?     

Ψ “Take it slow.”  

Patience and understanding would be the greatest gift you can offer. Avoid forcing, blaming, or guilt-tripping your loved one when they are not ready for intimacy. A slow and steady pace is often what they need to feel safe, allow them to set the pace and respect it.  

Ψ “You are not alone, I can help.”  

Learning more about vaginismus to understand what they are going through will help you approach the conversation with sensitivity and care. Show empathy by listening to their feelings and experiences by asking open-ended questions like, “How can I support you?” or “What would make this easier for you?”.   

You can also offer practical help, like accompanying them to medical or therapy appointments if they feel comfortable. Your presence can provide reassurance and show that they are not alone in this journey. 

Fertility Stress in Men: Causes, Impact, and How to Cope

Fertility Stress in Men: Breaking the Stigma and Finding Support

Many men who face fertility challenges remain silent. Not because they’re unaffected, but because they’ve been told, directly or indirectly, that their emotions don’t matter. That they shouldn’t talk about it. That masculinity means strength, and strength means never struggling.

But the truth is this: struggling to conceive can affect men deeply.

It can challenge your sense of self, your confidence, and your relationship. It can bring shame, frustration, and a grief that’s hard to name.

Why Men Often Grieve in Private   

In many cultures, men are raised to fix problems, not talk about them. Fertility difficulties, then, feel like something unfixable. Something that makes you feel helpless. That helplessness often gets internalised as failure or weakness.

You might find yourself thinking:

Ψ “I’m not enough.”
Ψ “I should be stronger than this.”
Ψ “Why can’t I just cope and move on?”

These thoughts are common. But they’re not fair or realistic.

How Fertility Stress Affects Men

Stress related to fertility doesn’t just live in your head. It can affect your body, mood, sex drive, and energy. Research shows that chronic stress may interfere with testosterone levels, sperm quality, and libido, creating a cycle of anxiety and shame.

Fertility-related stress can also:

Ψ Cause irritability, withdrawal, or emotional numbness
Ψ Trigger sleep difficulties and reduced motivation
Ψ Lead to tension in relationships, especially when both partners are grieving differently

This kind of distress is real. And can be managed.

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Managing Fertility Stress: What Helps  

1. Name what you’re feeling

Suppressing emotions may seem like the strong thing to do, but it often makes stress louder. Instead, try giving your experience a name: grief, anger, shame, frustration.

You don’t need to say it all perfectly. Try starting with:

Ψ “I didn’t think this would hit me so hard.”
Ψ “I feel useless, and I don’t know what to do with that.”

Naming an emotion is the first step in loosening its grip.

2. Talk to your partner: More than just the plan, but also the pain

Men often go into “solution mode” during fertility struggles. But emotional connection matters more than quick fixes.

You might say:

Ψ “I don’t know how to fix this, but I want us to get through it together.”
Ψ “I feel like I’m supposed to be the strong one, but I’m struggling too. Let’s try and figure this out together.”

These conversations can feel vulnerable. But they build closeness, not weakness. Your partner might even appreciate the fact that you don’t seem as “okay” as you appear, as that could validate their own struggles.

3. Challenge Old Beliefs

Thoughts like “If I were man enough, this wouldn’t happen” or “Needing help makes me weak” are echoes of old messages, not truths.

Try cognitive reframing to challenge them:

Ψ “Struggling makes me human, not less of a man.”
Ψ “Getting support is taking responsibility for my wellbeing.”

4. Redefine strength

True strength isn’t silence. It’s about your resilience, honesty, and connection. Fertility challenges don’t define your worth, and speaking up doesn’t make you weak.

Ask yourself:

Ψ What kind of man do I want to be in this season
Ψ What kind of compassion or support would I hope to receive from others?
Ψ How can I show up for myself with that same compassion?

You’re Not Alone

Fertility stress can shake your confidence in ways you didn’t expect. It’s not a measure of masculinity but a sign of how deeply you care about your future and your family.

You don’t have to carry this weight alone. If fertility stress is affecting your mental health or relationships, reaching out for professional support can make a difference.

Understanding Trauma Responses and How to Heal

Trauma doesn’t always stem from one life-changing event. It can arise from a single experience, a series of repeated events, or a buildup of stress over time. In response, our brains and bodies develop automatic mechanisms to protect us—these are known as trauma responses.

These reactions often happen reflexively, without conscious choice. While they may have helped us survive in the past, trauma responses can disrupt daily life, relationships, and emotional well-being if left unaddressed.

What Are Trauma Responses?

Trauma responses are instinctive reactions to perceived danger. These reactions are shaped by the brain’s effort to keep us safe based on past threats. Even long after the threat is gone, these responses can remain activated, especially in people who have experienced ongoing or complex trauma.

The 4 Trauma Response Types: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn

Fight Response

The fight response is characterised by confrontation. This can manifest as irritability, defensiveness, or aggression. While it may appear rooted in anger, it’s often driven by fear and the need to regain control in threatening situations.

Helpful in true danger, but may cause interpersonal conflict when over-activated.

Flight Response

The flight response involves escape. It may look like avoiding conflict, overworking, or feeling the urge to leave situations that feel overwhelming, whether it’s physically or emotionally.

Flight offers protection, but constant avoidance can limit connection and growth.

Freeze Response

Like a deer in headlights, the freeze response involves shutting down. You might feel numb, detached, or stuck, unable to speak or move. This mental “pause” helps the brain cope by disconnecting from the moment.

May delay healing if emotions remain unprocessed or repressed.

Fawn Response

The fawn response is the least talked about. It involves appeasing others to avoid conflict or danger. People who fawn may over-apologise, struggle with boundaries, or place others’ needs before their own to maintain safety and approval.

Over time, this leads to emotional exhaustion and unhealthy relationships.

Common Signs of Trauma in Daily Life

Even when the traumatic event is long past, trauma responses can continue to affect how we think, feel, and relate to others.

Hypervigilance

A state of constant alertness and scanning for danger even when none exists. This may cause overreactions in situations that feel “normal” to others.

Emotional Dysregulation

Difficulty managing emotions. You may shut down, feel numb, lash out, or experience intense mood swings without clear triggers.

Negative Self-Perception

People with unresolved trauma often internalise harmful self-beliefs (“I’m not good enough,” “I’m unlovable”). These aren’t facts, but echoes of how others treated them.

Difficulty Trusting Others

Trauma can create a deep-rooted fear of rejection or betrayal, leading to withdrawal, isolation, or fear of intimacy, even when connection is desired.

How to Heal from Trauma: Steps Toward Recovery

Understanding your trauma is the first step toward healing. Here are small but meaningful ways to start your journey.

Try Grounding & Breathing Exercises

Techniques like box breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 method bring you back to the present when anxiety or panic sets in.

Journal to Process Emotions

Journalling helps you organise thoughts, release built-up tension, and track your healing journey over time.

Practise Restorative Self-Care

Prioritise rest, nourishment, and comfort. This may include spending time in nature, engaging in hobbies, or simply taking breaks when needed.

When to See a Psychologist for Trauma Support

You don’t have to heal alone. A clinical psychologist can help you:

• Understand your trauma responses

• Rebuild a sense of safety and trust

• Learn healthy coping strategies

• Strengthen relationships and emotional resilience

Therapy provides a safe space to process trauma without judgment and develop practical tools to support your mental health long-term.

Final Thoughts

Healing from trauma isn’t linear. It’s okay if you take two steps forward and one step back. What matters is that you’re moving forward at your own pace with tools, awareness, and support.

If you’re ready to take that first step, reach out to our psychologists to begin your healing journey today.

Coping After Losing a Loved One to Suicide

You might be asking questions no one can answer. Or feeling emotions that seem to contradict each other: sadness, guilt, anger, even relief, and then guilt again for feeling relief. It’s common. And it doesn’t make you a bad person. Or a bad friend, partner, or sibling.

Grieving after suicide is different. Let’s talk about how to survive it, piece by piece.

Ψ Give space to complicated feelings

You may notice your emotions shifting rapidly. Shock, regret, rage, deep sorrow, numbness. Grief after suicide rarely feels linear.

This is partly because suicide loss carries what we call disenfranchised grief, which is grief that isn’t always openly acknowledged. People don’t know what to say. They avoid the topic altogether. That silence can make you feel even more alone in your pain.

It helps to name what you’re feeling, even just to yourself.

“I’m furious and I miss them.”

“I feel guilty, even though I know it’s not my fault.”

These are complex truths, and they can coexist.

Ψ Let go of the urge to find a neat explanation

After suicide, the mind often goes into detective mode: Was there a clue I missed? Was there something I could have done?

This kind of thinking is natural. It’s a way our brain tries to regain control after something that feels senseless.

But suicide is almost never the result of a single moment, or a single failure. It’s often the culmination of prolonged internal distress that the person may have hidden well. Hindsight can make things look clearer than they ever were at the time.

Guilt and responsibility are heavy burdens to carry but they’re not the same as truth. Acknowledge the desire to believe that you could have done more. But remind yourself it is not realistic.

Ψ Stay connected, especially when you want to withdraw

Grief has a way of isolating us. You may feel like no one could possibly understand, or that it’s easier to stay quiet. But staying connected, even in small ways, is protective.

Talk to someone who can sit with your pain without rushing to fix it. It may be a friend, a therapist, or someone in a support group who’s walked this road too.

If words are hard, you can start with presence. Sit beside someone. Share a cup of tea. Let yourself be around people who make space for you as you are.

 Ψ Engage in rituals that help you make meaning

When someone dies by suicide, there is often no goodbye, no closure. You might be left with unsaid words or unresolved hurt.

Creating your own rituals can help bridge that gap. You might write a letter, light a candle, revisit a shared place, or do something they once loved doing. These are ways of continuing bonds, something grief researchers have found can help the healing process.

Remembering the whole person, their humour, their kindness, their struggles, can help shift your focus from how they died to how they lived.

Ψ Notice how grief is showing up in your body

Grief doesn’t just affect your thoughts. It can show up physically. Fatigue, heaviness in your chest, disrupted sleep or appetite changes.

It’s okay to rest more. To eat simple meals. To let yourself do less.

Some people find movement helpful, like short walks, stretches, even just stepping outside for a few minutes. Others find comfort in breathing exercises or grounding techniques (like naming what you see, hear, and feel in the present).

Caring for your body while grieving isn’t about “fixing” anything. It’s about creating small moments of safety, or “normalcy”.

Ψ If the grief becomes too heavy

Sometimes, especially with traumatic or sudden loss, the pain can tip into despair. You might find yourself overwhelmed with thoughts you didn’t expect, or a numbness that feels frightening.

If this happens, please reach out. Call a helpline. Speak to a psychologist. Let someone know that it’s too much right now.

You don’t have to wait until you're “really struggling”. There’s no threshold of suffering you need to meet before you ask for support.

What healing might look like, eventually…

You may not believe this now, but the pain won’t always feel this raw. Over time, many people find that their relationship with the loss changes.

You may begin to remember with more warmth than pain. You may speak their name again. You may laugh without guilt. These are not signs you’ve “moved on”. They’re signs you’re learning to live alongside the loss.

Grief is not something to “get over”. It’s something you live with. And in that living, you can still find joy, meaning and connection.

If you’ve lost a loved one to suicide and are struggling to cope, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

You are surviving something deeply painful. And you deserve care through it. Let us know if you need a listening ear.

Trauma Anniversaries: Understanding how you feel and how to cope

Trauma anniversaries can be a result of private (e.g. sexual assault, domestic violence or childhood abuse) or public trauma (e.g. natural disasters, terrorist attacks or political violence). Whether private or public, trauma anniversaries can stir up intense emotions and symptoms. These reactions are normal, and they are known as anniversary reactions.   

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Why do trauma anniversaries occur? 

Trauma affects both our minds and bodies. When a traumatic event occurs, our body activates its fight, flight, or freeze response to protect us from the overwhelming danger. When this trauma is not fully processed, this survival response becomes overactive. Resultingly, cues that remind us of the traumatic event can trigger this intense reaction, even when there is no real threat.  

As the trauma anniversary nears, we may feel more on edge as our body reacts to perceived threats. These cues can be internal, such as emotional or physical states (i.e. feeling the same emotions or bodily sensations felt during the trauma). Cues can also be external, such as time-based (i.e. seasonal changes, time of year) or environmental triggers (i.e. sights, sounds, smells). Encountering a cue can activate the body’s survival response and can leave you feeling anxious, nervous or scared. 

However, these trauma reminders are not always negative. In some cases, they can support the healing process. For example, the anniversary of a loss may bring memories of a loved one and offer space to process your grief more deeply. Media coverage of a public tragedy can also rally survivors together and facilitate community support. 

For trauma anniversary signs in children and how to support them, check out our parenting guide.

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Trauma Anniversary Symptoms  

Trauma anniversaries can often make PTSD symptoms worse. You may experience feelings of self-judgement and question “Why am I still bothered by this?”. Or you may face anticipation anxiety, dreading the day for fear you will struggle.  

Other common symptoms include: 

• Reliving the event 

• Most common symptom  

• Re-experiencing the feelings, bodily responses and thoughts that occurred during the trauma  

• Avoidance  

• Avoidance of anything related to the traumatic event (i.e. people, places, objects) 

• Negative changes in beliefs and feelings  

• Old thoughts or feelings of guilt or shame may return  

• Daily mood affected (e.g. sad, anxious, nervous)  

• Affects how they relate to others (i.e. friends and family) 

• Feeling “on edge” (hyperarousal) 

• Constantly feeling jittery, nervous or worried  

• Difficulties sleeping or having nightmares  

• More reactive to small triggers (i.e. irritable, easy to anger) 

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How can we feel better? 

Over time, the distress will become less frequent and less intense. Most people start to feel better within a week or two after the anniversary of the traumatic event. While symptoms can feel overwhelming, there are effective strategies to help you cope.  

1. Caring for Your Physical Health  

Your physical health pays a big role in your mental well-being. A balanced diet, regular exercise and sufficient rest is especially important when dealing with trauma anniversaries, as they help regulate emotions and build emotional resilience. 

Exercise releases endorphins, commonly known as “happy hormones” that reduce anxiety and boost our mood. What you eat can significantly impact your mood. So, eating nutrient-rich foods can ensure your energy levels are stable and improve your feelings of anxiety, fatigue or irritability. Lastly, rest is crucial in facilitating recovery from trauma. Sleep helps restore your brain function, regulates your moods and calms your nervous system. Rest is not a luxury; it’s a necessity when coping with anniversary trauma.  

2. Lean on your loved ones 

When facing something as heavy as trauma, it is important to surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, seen and supported. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries, listen without judgement and show genuine concern. Remember, you are not alone! When trauma anniversary symptoms surface, reach out to someone you trust to get support. 

3. Journalling  

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to reduce your anniversary trauma symptoms. Writing it down can help you acknowledge and process all the complex emotions you may be feeling. It can express emotions or thoughts that are too hard to say out loud, providing an outlet to reduce emotional overwhelm and facilitate healing.  

4. Try Calming Exercises  

Heart pounding, hands shaking and thoughts racing – when our survival response takes over, it can be difficult to steady ourselves admists the overwhelming emotions. Mindfulness exercises can help bring awareness to our emotions, calm our nervous system, and reground us to the present.  

5. Seek Professional Help 

Trauma is not something to dismiss or minimise. When left unaddressed, it can become deeply rooted and lead to serious mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety and emotional dysregulation. Sometimes, self-care alone is not enough – and that is okay! There is no shame in asking for help. Just like how you would visit a doctor when your body’s not feeling well, it can be helpful to visit a mental health professional if you have been struggling with your mental health. Therapists, counsellors and psychologists are trained to create a safe space where you feel supported, understood and heard. Asking for help is the bravest thing you can do for yourself. 

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Anniversary trauma and the distressing feelings, thoughts and physical symptoms it brings can be incredibly difficult to face. Navigating trauma can sometimes feel like an endless dark tunnel. But take heart – healing is possible. Lean on those who love you and be patient with yourself.  

Healing is never linear. Every small step forward makes all the difference to recovery. 

Breast & Ovarian Cancer

The shock of the diagnosis. The uncertainty of treatment, results or mortality. The feeling of everything being out of our control.  

But first… 

What is Breast Cancer? 

A kind of cancer that begins as a growth of cells in the breast tissue. Abnormal breast cells grow out of control and form tumours.  

Breast cancer usually occurs in older women above 50 but can also affect men and younger women. In Singapore, breast cancer is the most commonly occurring cancer among women, accounting for 29.7% of all cancers diagnosed in females. 

What is Ovarian Cancer? 

It occurs when abnormal cells in ovaries or fallopian tubes grow and multiply out of control. It may originate from the ovary or more commonly from nearby structures such as fallopian tubes or the inner lining of the abdomen.  

Ovarian cancer usually occurs in older women above 60 who are in the menopausal stage but can also affect younger women. In Singapore, ovarian cancer was 4.4% of all cancers diagnosed in women from 2016-2020. It is the 5th most common cancer in Singaporean women. 

Mental Health Challenges 

Here are the moments that women may struggle the most in the cancer journey:  

6. Awaiting follow-up results  

• Waiting for the outcomes of follow-up tests 

7. Survivorship phase (Life after diagnosis or treatment) 

• Persistent guilt (about family, children, responsibilities) 

• Fear of recurrence 

• Diminished self-esteem 

• Problems with social acceptance and body image 

• Difficulty in re-entry into previous life 

• Perceived and actual loss of employment and insurance discrimination 

• Concerns about infertility 

8. Symptom recurrence 

9. Facing end of life 

As treatment goes on, distress heightens (with all the physical and social impacts too). It is then no surprise that these can culminate into anxiety, depression, PTSD, or other conditions. 

1. Before diagnosis  

• Noticing a concerning symptom  

• Anxiously awaiting test results 

2. Initial diagnosis  

• Receiving the news of the diagnosis for the first time 

3. Anticipating treatment 

• Waiting to learn about the recommended treatment plan  

4. Leaving the hospital  

5. Completion or adjustment of treatment  

• Fear of finishing a treatment course   

• Adapting to a change in the plan 

How to Cope, Psychologically 

Receiving a diagnosis is never easy. The shock and distress can be overwhelming, and we might not know how to cope with such complicated emotions and thoughts.  

Yet, how we feel, think and cope with the diagnosis and treatment can greatly affect our physical health, treatment progress, adherence and recovery. So let’s take time to prioritise ourselves – physically and mentally.

Here are some ways to cope better: 

1. Find your support pillars 

Lean on those trusted friends and family, they tend to be the reasons we keep going even in tough times. 

Many have also gone through the same journey, and we do not need to fight cancer alone. Consider the links below to find communities of like-minded individuals who may share the same struggles as you:  

• Singapore Cancer Society 

• Women’s Emotional Health Service (WEHS) 

• BCF Support Groups (for breast cancer) 

• Cancer online resource library  

  2. Look back within 

How are you feeling? What emotions can you pinpoint exists? Was it fear, anxiety, shock, anger, regret, or hopelessness?  

What about your thoughts about this journey – from diagnosis to treatment? What do your thoughts tell you about… 

• Cherished things and people 

• Personal hopes and dreams 

3. Stay engaged, moment-to-moment 

We know we bring up mindfulness often, but bear with us. When time seems limited and more precious than ever, we often want to capture and “stay” in the moments we cherish the most.  

This speaks to a part of us that wants more presence, and connection to what is going on around us. To do so, we need pause, observe and engage.  

Here’s our guide to being more mindful (general tips are at the bottom of the article). 

4. Show kindness to yourself 

Your pain and suffering is valid. Your feelings are valid. The journey is not easy, and there is little that others can do to make it easier on us.  

 Yet, how do we respond to our pain and emotions? What our pain and emotions often need is soothing. Like a mother soothing a child in pain, aim to soothe the pain and emotions within you. Here are some ways to soothe and be kind to yourself: 

• Cry it out 

• Calming music or smells  

• Visualise a place that is calming to you  

  • Sunsets, starry night sky, pet café, comforts of a bed or bath 

  • Focus on your 5 senses  

• Repeat personal mantras  

  • “I can do this” 

  • “I got this” 

  • “Take it easy” 

  • “This will pass” 

People differ in how they cope with difficult emotions and painful situations. There is no “best” method here, so find ways that you are comfortable with and personalise your recovery journey in your own way.  

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” – Aristotle 

How to Deal with Procrastination

(Fast forward a week later and an hour to the deadline, you realised you barely started on the task – screams panic!) 

Procrastination is a common behaviour that many of us are guilty of (this author included) - you are not alone! While occasional procrastination may appear harmless, it could be debilitating for those who are trapped in this complex and self-defeating cycle. Seeking short-term relief from avoiding the task in exchange for longer term negative consequences such as poorer work performance and relationships can also impact our stress levels and self-efficacy.  

Identify Underlying Causes  

To begin with, it is important to understand why procrastination happens for the person involved. People procrastinate for various reasons. Some individuals hold high standards of their work and fear perceived failure, including not being able to achieve that level of perfection. Others may lack motivation to start a task or may have difficulty sitting with uncomfortable feelings such as boredom or work anxiety. Identifying the underlying causes or possible triggers of your procrastination could help in developing practical and effective strategies to overcome this.  

Strategies to Manage Procrastination  

1. Setting Realistic Expectations  

How do you know when your expectations need to be adjusted? This might be the case if an objectively realistic/ reasonable task feels too challenging and you are demotivated from starting. Seeking feedback or consulting with supportive peers/ mentors might help us gain new insights and renewed motivation to complete our task within the given timeframe.   

2. Breaking Tasks Down  

Complex tasks/ projects can feel overwhelming, and it is often easier to push them to the bottom of the to-do list. However, putting them off can lead to heightened stress due to looming deadlines. One simple strategy could be:   

• Breaking down the task into smaller, achievable steps. For instance, instead of attempting to write a 1000-word essay in a single day, break it down into writing 200 words per day.  

• Reward yourself with a treat such as cup of coffee from your favourite café or a massage when small/ mundane tasks as well as milestone goals are achieved.

 3. Scheduling  

In addition to the above, these scheduling tips can help us be more intentional in setting aside time to complete important tasks:   

• Create a task list with timelines and prioritise them based on their importance and urgency. You could review this at the start and end of your workday too.  

• Time yourself (if necessary) to gauge how much time you actually take to complete tasks. 

• Allocate specific time-slots in your schedule for specific tasks, and ensure sufficient time (with some buffer) is given.

• Attempt the Pomodoro (or other) time management techniques: Work in focused time-intervals (e.g. 25 minutes) and take short breaks in between. Ensure that your work plans are achievable within the timeframe set to avoid discouragement.

4. Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts  

In some cases, people procrastinate due to fears of criticism or perceived failure. These thoughts may become 'unhelpful thoughts' if it becomes exaggerated, entrenched and hinders our progress on tasks. To address this, try re-evaluating these thoughts by seeking evidence for/against them or reframing them with more self-compassion. For example, you could ask yourself: “What feedback have I received regarding the quality of my work?”  or “Are the requirements for this task as high as I perceive?”. 

Having alternative and balanced thought patterns may not be easy. Do consider seeking support from trusted family members, mates or professionals if you find it difficult to challenge these thoughts on your own.   

5. Minimise Distractions  

Keeping your workspace clean and free from possible distractions can be beneficial. Choose a quiet and conducive environment especially when doing focused work, and remove likely interruptions or noise distractions, such as being with others who like to chat. Additionally, it might help to turn off email/ phone alerts including social media applications. Understanding your own pitfalls and preferences is important in creating an environment that is conducive for you.   

Breaking the cycle of procrastination is not easy, especially if it is an entrenched “habit”, but you will gradually get better with consistency (and doing what works best for you).   

A Guide to Healing from Parentification

Did you ever have to worry about looking after your siblings? Did you often find yourself acting as a confidant to your parents when they had an argument? Have you been complimented for your maturity in mediating family conflicts?  

If you identify with any of the above,
you might be a parentified child. 

What is Parentification? 

Parentification occurs when a child assumes the role of the parent. A parentified child is robbed of a carefree childhood and takes on hefty responsibilities that are inappropriate for their age. In adulthood, you might learn to only trust and rely on yourself, which hinders you from forming healthy relationships. 

Types of Parentification 

Ψ Instrumental Parentification. This is when a child takes on the physical and tangible duties of the parents. They might take care of their younger siblings, pay the bills or care for a loved one with a disability or an addiction.

Ψ Emotional Parentification. This is when a child provides emotional support for their parents. The parentified child might feel responsible in providing a listening ear or comfort and advice to their parents in times of distress. 

How to Heal from Parentification? 

Fortunately, it IS POSSIBLE to address the parentification trauma. Here are some tips to start embarking on your journey of recovering from parentification.  

Ψ Acknowledge your experience of being a parentified child. Be open to speaking up about your trauma. Accept the reality of a loss childhood and the repercussions it may have in your adulthood. Allow yourself to feel and process the grief and anger. 

Ψ Explore your needs and prioritize them. Reconnect with your inner child and explore these needs. You might need love, attention, or the freedom to play. You are now your own parent and have control over your needs. As a child, you might have missed out on activities that were meant for children. It might be difficult to put yourself first, but you can try with small steps. Start by spending time with friends, listening to music, meditating, or anything that makes you happy! 

Ψ Cultivate self-compassion. As parentification is covert and insidious, it often goes unnoticed. This does not mean that your feelings are any less justified. Don’t be too critical of yourself; understand that it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you could have done better as an innocent child. Tell yourself “I am sorry for what you had to go through, and I love you”. 

Ψ Learn to establish healthy boundaries. Growing up with parents who push your boundaries might impair your ability to establish healthy boundaries. To set boundaries, be clear and direct to avoid miscommunication. While being polite, don’t feel apologetic for wanting to meet your own needs; remember that self-care is not selfish. 

It takes time and patience to allow yourself to heal. Our childhood wounds do not define us, and you deserve to have your needs taken care of. If you need support, feel free to reach out to our team of psychologists!  

How to Deal with Passive Aggressive Colleagues

But what exactly is passive aggressiveness? 

Passive aggressiveness occurs when a person harbors negative feelings towards an individual and expresses those feelings in an indirectly harmful manner.

A person may feel negative feelings such as anger or jealousy, but instead of communicating honestly, they mask their emotions through indirect hostility.

These are some examples of displays of passive aggressiveness at the workplace: 

• The silent treatment 

• Chronically procrastinating on tasks 

• Intentionally neglecting their share of the workload or shirking responsibilities as a form of “retaliation” 

• Withholding information 

• Disguised insults and non-compliments 

• Downplaying or ignoring other people’s achievements 

• Sarcasm 

• Spreading rumors 

• Being silent, sulky, sullen and resentful to get attention or sympathy 

Passive aggressive behaviors are usually not immediately recognizable as “aggression”. After all, it is easier to notice aggression when people lash out at you. However, in the workplace, such behaviors create a toxic workplace environment, which comes along with a host of negative consequences such as burnout and lowered morale. Considering all these negative consequences, it is therefore important for passive aggressiveness to be carefully and effectively dealt with.

How should I respond to a passive aggressive colleague?

Responding to a passive aggressive colleague is tough and a great deal of patience is usually needed. This often comes with a hefty amount of stress and anxiety on your end too. However, equipping yourself with these skills goes a long way in making you a more confident and effective person!

Ψ Remove the reward

With many kinds of behaviors, a person will be more likely to engage in an action again if it is met with reinforcement. In the context of workplace passive aggressiveness, if you respond to a colleague’s behavior by going tit for tat, your response may actually end up reinforcing that colleague’s behavior such that it becomes even more likely for them to engage in passive aggressive behaviors again.

It can be difficult to resist the urge to respond to provocations by similarly being sarcastic or saying “it’s fine” when it actually is not. However, doing so is unlikely to get you anywhere and may even further escalate the conflict by perpetuating the person’s bad behavior. Instead, try to focus on keeping cool so you will remain composed and not act impulsively. The best way to achieve this is by giving the person objective, emotionally neutral responses whenever appropriate. For example, instead of using “you”, use first-person pronouns such as “I”, “we”, and “our”.

Ψ Ensure that expectations and deadlines are clearly and explicitly set at the start of any task or project

This is a good habit to carry out regardless of whether you have a passive-aggressive colleague or not. After all, communication is key! Ensure that you communicate diligently and set crystal clear expectations on the scope, expectations, and deadlines of any given project. To do this, confirm any discussions that you have about deadlines and actions in writing, send follow-up emails after meetings, or draft a performance agreement.

When this occurs, reasons such as “I did not know” become less plausible and it increases behavioral accountability. By ensuring that all communication is clear and understood by everyone, a passive-aggressive colleague will have to take responsibility for their own actions and have fewer opportunities to blame others for their mistakes.

Ψ Try to adopt an empathetic approach and understand the reasons behind their actions  

Why is your colleague acting this way? Do they derive happiness from making others feel manipulated? It might be easy to simply write off their behaviors as being due to a nasty personality or intentionally being difficult. However, studies have found that passive aggressive behavior is often driven by deep seated fears of being rejected, a lack of self-esteem, as well as insecurity or as a maladaptive way of handling conflicts. When we take on an empathetic approach, this enables us to better understand why people act the way that they do, and to select a more appropriate means of responding.

Ψ Create a Safe Environment

Finally, foster an environment where your colleagues know that it is safe for them to raise concerns and issues with you in an open, direct, and constructive manner, rather than in covert ways. Let your colleagues know that they can always approach you if they are facing any problems rather than letting them bubble beneath the surface. 

Of course, you will have to walk the talk too! You can create an encouraging and supportive workplace culture by fostering genuine, positive relationships with your colleagues.

Should you have any concerns about the well-being of your work team or wish to further support your employees, our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) aims to help employees in Singapore, from staff to managers, manage work- and personal-related issues that may otherwise result in a negative impact on their emotional well-being and job performance.

Losing a Baby to Miscarriage or Stillbirth

Both miscarriage and stillbirth refer to the loss of a baby during pregnancy. Whereas miscarriage occurs before 20-24 weeks of gestation, stillbirth is when a baby is born dead after 20-24 weeks of pregnancy.  

Statistics in Singapore

In Singapore, about 20% of pregnancies end up in a miscarriage while stillbirth happens in 0.5%-1% of pregnancies. In most cases, the cause cannot be established. Some known causes include infection, umbilical cord accidents, and placental complications.

A word from our clinical psychologist:

Perinatal loss is a term broadly used to describe losses before, during and after pregnancy. There are different types of losses during pregnancy, including miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancies and medical termination for various reasons. No matter when or how the pregnancy loss happened, losing a baby has been described by some of the clients I have worked with, to be the worst kind of pain. Their loss experience defied their assumptions and expectations of a "normal" course of pregnancy through the trimesters until the smooth delivery of their healthy baby, just like everyone else! A "typical" path towards parenthood, towards forming a family (with children) is all that they had hoped for. Given this, a range of emotions - anger, sadness, grief, shock, guilt amongst others may result, as a part of the grieving parents' mourning process. 

For there is so much to mourn - the loss of their "healthy" baby, the loss of sense of "normalcy" in their lives, the loss of that anticipated future with baby as a part of the new family, and the loss of the new identity, hopes, dreams as soon-to-be parents. Instead of celebration of their baby's arrival, some grieving parents may find themselves confronted with the starkest reminder of their loss, in the form of a symbolic farewell ritual, or funeral ceremony and burial event for their baby. For some families who choose these practices, they shared that it can be very helpful for their grieving process and closure. But, there is no one way to grieve, so honour your own needs, beliefs, emotional and physical capacity to decide what is best for your unique situation. 

What can complicate perinatal grief is also in part due to the "invisible" nature of pregnancy loss, especially in the early stages. This can make it very hard to talk about it with others and for loved ones to fully acknowledge the deep, emotional and psychological impact of such losses. Hence, it is necessary to remind all that perinatal losses are as worthy of care and compassion as other types of relationship losses. This is because attachment relationship bonds has already formed between conceiving parents and baby, as soon as they learn about being pregnant. 

Given the tough, unbearable pain of perinatal losses, much compassion is needed all around. Grieving mothers/fathers need to learn to be more self-compassionate and manage their own harsh self-talk, especially those about failure and being unworthy as parents. Given that the nature of perinatal losses are often unexpected, resulting in a big sense of loss of control, it can be beneficial to find little ways of taking charge, for instance, of daily routines, or setting of boundaries about what you are comfortable discussing. This can assist with restoring some sense of normalcy and control as you navigate grief. 

A journey shrouded by shame and silence

Given that pregnancy losses are common, some women may feel that they do not deserve to grieve. On the other hand, despite the substantial occurrence rate, resources to support these women are scarce.

There has also been stigma and blame attached to pregnancy loss, where mothers are implied to have failed to take good care of their babies. Even well-intentioned advice could come across as insensitive and dismissive. This unspoken roller-coaster journey can feel unforeseeably lonely and difficult. 

An unimaginable pain

The loss of a child, no matter how brief they have been in your life, is profound. It goes against the natural order of life and no parent can ever be prepared for it. The loss of a child is also the loss of an imagined future with them – the hopes and dreams that cannot be fulfilled.

With the devastation, there may also be guilt that you could have been more attentive to your diet and body, and anger that it had to happen to you. Mothers may also feel alone thinking that their partner does not understand their pain since their partners are not the one who carried the child.

How can I cope with a miscarriage or stillbirth?

Everyone grieves differently – in different ways and on different timelines.

Here are some ways we hope can help with your grief.

Ψ Make room for your feelings

Allow yourself to feel all that you feel – guilt, anger, confusion, panic. Observe where you are feeling these emotions in your body – aches in the stomach, tightness in chest? Let yourself be where you are at the moment. There is no prescribed timeline which states the stage of grief you should be at at any point of time.

Ψ Be compassionate to yourself

Understand that it is not your fault nor a personal failure.

As mentioned earlier, there is no timeline for grief; you will move along with your grief rather than moving on from it. Do not expect yourself to forget. Instead, expect yourself to feel triggered on the anniversaries or when you see other families with children. When that happens, allow yourself to take short breaks to grieve – it can be in a toilet cubicle or in a corner of a park. This place should be somewhere you feel safe and comfortable to express your emotions. 

Ψ Pay attention to unhelpful thoughts

Certain narratives may start playing in your head: “My life is worth nothing if I do not have children”, “I am not complete without children”, “It is all my fault”, “I’m a useless mother”. When played enough times in your mind, these thoughts may seem convincing. But they are not true.  

You could challenge these thoughts by asking these questions.

• What's the evidence for and against these thoughts?

• What would I tell a loved one who is going through the same situation? 
  
  

Ψ Grieve with your partner

An event like the loss of a child could bring a couple closer to each other or lead them to drift apart.

You and your partner may respond to the death of the baby differently – one may turn to crying, one may turn to work to avoid thinking about the pain. Some couples may not want to burden their partner with their anguish so they choose to keep their feelings to themselves. When you are unsure of how your partner feels about the loss, there is a chance that you feel that they are less affected by the loss. And this, will lead to emotional distance and tension in the relationship. 

Recognise that this is uncharted territory for both of you. Seek your partner to grieve as a team. Communicate with each other your sorrow, and try to understand how both of you will grieve in different ways, but together. 

Ψ Consider a grief ritual

For some, a grief ritual gives some form of closure to the episode. The symbolic ritual could be in the form of a scrapbook, memory box, journal entry or even a remembrance trip. 

Ψ Look after yourself

The miscarriage or stillbirth takes a toll on your physical body. The grief and emotional pain may take hold of your life, leaving you with no mental capacity to plan for your day. A routine may be helpful to ensure that your physical well-being is taken care of. You need your sleep, food and physical activity.

Ψ Seek support

Reach out to your family and friends. Be with your loved ones even if you do not feel like talking about the loss; their company in itself may be comforting.

To ease your return to work, we encourage you to speak with your bosses to let them know how you want your return to be managed (e.g., shorter hours, work-from-home arrangement, inform your colleagues to not broach the topic).

The pain of grief could be overwhelming. But you are never alone. Consider seeking professional psychological help in the forms of support group and therapy. Some support groups include:

• Child Bereavement Support (Singapore)

• Angel Hearts

• Miscarriage, Stillbirth, & Child Loss Support Group

• Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group Singapore

• Pregnancy After Loss Support (PALS)

How family members can support their loved ones

This key idea should underlie all of your efforts to support them: Acknowledge and validate their pain.

Understand that the loss hurts them deeply, and it will take time for the pain to feel more bearable. Some may feel comforted by phrases like “I’m so sorry it happened”, “I cannot imagine your pain but I’m here for you”.

The aim is never to cheer them up – you would be disappointed if you want to do that because you cannot take their pain away; rather, it is to join them in their pain as they struggle with their intense and painful emotions.

On anniversaries or in situations where the parents may be reminded of their loss, you could check in on them gently by asking how they are feeling or if they want to spend time together.

If you notice that their grief has affecting their daily life for a concerning amount of time, let them know why you are concerned (i.e. what did you notice and explain why it is concerning), and encourage them to ask for professional help. You could also go the extra mile and accompany them to visit a psychologist.