PERSONALITY DISORDERS

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterised by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a preoccupation of being admired and a lack of empathy for the feelings of others. People with NPD tend to believe that they are uniquely talented or attractive and deserve special treatment. This sense of entitlement can often lead them to be perceived as disrespectful and with a disregard for others.

There are two types of Narcissistic Personality Disorders:

Ψ Grandiose NPD: characterised by a sense of entitlement and a strong tendency to overestimate abilities and accomplishments, while underestimating those of others. This is the “typical” NPD. A person with a grandiose presentation will typically appear aggressive and dominant. They may constantly make self-references or brag about themselves to gain the recognition they crave. They are often quick to offend and generally unwilling to forgive others.

Ψ Vulnerable NPD: characterised by intense shame and hypersensitivity to rejection and criticisms, a person with Vulnerable NPD will appear to be condescending and arrogant. However, it is a façade for their fragile and unstable sense of self-esteem. They may avoid interpersonal relations as a result. They may also experience profound shame while being preoccupied with fantasies of outstanding achievement.

What are traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Ψ Has a exorbitant sense of self-importance
Ψ Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Ψ Believes that they are “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people
Ψ Requires excessive admiration
Ψ Has a sense of entitlement
Ψ Is interpersonally exploitative - takes advantage of others
Ψ Lacks empathy
Ψ Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them
Ψ Shows arrogant behaviours or attitudes

This is the central trait of Narcissistic Personality Disorder—an inability or unwillingness to take the perspective of others.

Related: What do narcissistic parents look like?

What causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Like many other disorders, there is no single, contributing cause to NPD.

However, it is generally believed that NPD can be brought about by genetic and environmental risk factors. Studies have found NPD to be heritable, with its heritability ranging from 24% to 77% (clinical sample). In terms of environment, much of the risk factores stem from childhood. Grandiose narcissism is often associated with parental overvaluation manifesting as excessive, unrealistic admiration for the child without sufficient constructive criticism to compensate for it. On the other hand, vulnerable narcissism is associated with physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse.

Intrusive, controlling and cold parenting styles are also known to contribute to the development of NPD.

Parents might appear unemphatic and emotionally unavailable, such that they rarely attend to or are aware of their child’s emotional needs. Another risk factor is when parents give their children roles or functions beyond or inconsistent with the child’s normal development tasks. This prevents the child from building a healthy attachment with their parents, with them thinking that they’re unworthy of being valued and recognised. This might contribute towards the development of NPD, where they act in such a way to compensate for the lack of affirmation they’ve received during childhood. 

How would you manage Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Due to their feelings of entitlement and superiority, people with NPD do not usually seek a solution as they do not think that they have a problem in the first place. They may also attribute serious problems in their lives to the fault of others.

Psychotherapy is typically recommended for addressing NPD. Benefits include improved interpersonal relationships with peers and family, realistic goal setting and managing feelings and self-esteem issues. Psychodynamic Therapy is one viable option considering that many of the risk factors related to NPD are rooted in childhood. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is another option to rectify unhelpful patterns of thinking and change behaviors that contribute to specific difficulties experienced. Yet another alternative is Schema Therapy, which involves emotional regulation and rectifying self-centered behaviors. In doing so, people with NPD may learn to reach a healthier level of self-confidence and treat others in more prosocial ways. Additionally, Family or Couple Therapy can also be considered in instances where conflict resolution is recommended.

What is the prognosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The prognosis of NPD is mixed, and therapy success is dependent on the severity of symptoms, presenting problems (e.g., history of abuse, state of current personal relationships) and commitment to therapy. It is possible for symptoms of NPD to improve over time with sustained motivation to work towards change. Over time, people with NPD can learn to improve and maintain relationships with their loved ones. It is possible to attain life satisfaction despite the challenges with changing personality traits.

What do Narcissistic Parents look like?

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm, but the harm (that they cause) does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves."  

-T.S. Elliot

People with NPD as Parents: “You are what you achieve”

Narcissistic parents don’t see their children as individuals, with their own needs, feelings and wants. No. They usually see their children as extensions of themselves, existing only to fulfil their own wishes. In fact, they may sometimes become envious of their children, or see them as competitors.

Narcissistic parents seek to control the actions and behaviours of others, more so for their children. This is actually to preserve an underlying fragile self-image. They feel the need to control their children, maintaining their children’s dependence on them. They can be threatened by any attempt of independence or self-identity, or when their children try to set boundaries. Common reactions include berating their children for any show of weakness, constantly putting them down for not meeting expectations or for “embarrassing” them.

Impact on Children

Children of narcissistic parents often feel as if they don’t have any memory of being appreciated or loved for who they truly are. They are usually ignored or belittled, yet find themselves on the receiving end of criticisms and anger when things go wrong.

In families with more than one child, narcissistic parents tend to employ different tactics for different child:

Ψ The “scapegoat”: this may be the child who reflects or exposes the weaknesses of the narcissistic parent. In return, the child is subjected to the worst abuse, such as being constantly undermined, rejected or gaslighted. The child may be pitted against other siblings or family members, making them feel isolated and worthless.

Ψ The “golden child”: this may be the child whom the narcissistic parent projects on. In other words, this child is the “chosen one” and has to be everything that the narcissistic parent wants him/her to be. This is hardly a privilege, however. This favoured child lacks his/her own volition and agency, and may be punished for any attempts to break away. The child may likewise be subjected to isolation and resentment from other family members. These children may, in fact, develop narcissism themselves.

Such experiences can be detrimental to the mental health of children of narcissistic parents, with the following characteristics commonly observed:

Ψ Incoherent sense of self; fragile self-esteem; lacking resilience and independence: Children of narcissistic parents, especially younger ones, rarely have coherent principles of their own. As they can be at the receiving end of negative consequences from demonstration of independence or identity, they tend to orient their values around those that their parents endorse.

Ψ Anxiety; hypersensivity: It can be nerve-wrecking to be raised by narcissistic parents, it’s as if you are constantly walking on eggshells for fear of setting them off. Moreover, it can feel like a challenge trying to earn their love and validation—which unfortunately, is rarely attainable.

Ψ Parentification: Children may become overly responsible to fill the void left by their narcissistic parents, leading to a role reversal where they act as parents to their narcissistic parents and/or siblings.

Ψ Unhealthy beliefs about love: Children of narcissistic parents often believe that they are unworthy of love and affection,and that they have to be earned.

Long Term Impact of Narcissistic Parents on their Children

In the long term, these children may experience profound and lasting consequence. They may adopt the following beliefs that can have significant impact on various aspects of their lives:

“I’m a burden. If I want to be loved, I need to ask nothing from others”

Some children of narcissistic parents become echoists, or someone who fears appearing narcissistic in any way. They may make themselves appear as ‘small’ as they possibly can. Due to a lifetime of dismissing their own needs and wants in place of that of their narcissistic parent, they may become unusually afraid of becoming a burden to others and may struggle to find a voice or be independent. Often, they may become compulsive caretakers and even be more likely to form relationships with narcissists.

“If only I were quieter, if only I were more obedient, maybe my mother would love me.”

Being unable to simply walk out and leave their family, children of narcissist parents try to cultivate a sense of hope in their childhood by telling themselves that once they “fix themselves”, their parent will love them. This also creates an illusion of control they are able to hold on to. Unfortunately, this pattern of thinking also leads to chronic self-blame, deprecation and guilt.

“Why won’t you pay attention to me!”

Attachment styles are basically the way in which we interact and behave in relationships with others, characterized by how safe/ comfortable we feel and how we depend on others. We usually develop our attachment style based on our early attachments with our caregivers. People who had emotionally healthy childhoods typically develop a secure attachment style whereas children who grew up with neglect, emotional abuse and absence—such as that of narcissistic parenting—usually develop an insecure attachment style. This may manifest in two ways; due to fear of abandonment or constantly questioning the safety of the relationship, children of narcissists may choose to shut other people out. On the other hand, they may chase love and connection from the wrong people or in unhealthy ways such as becoming extremely needy or demanding love and attention angrily.

“I’ll become the best and make sure people know it. No one can make me feel unimportant!”

Children of narcissistic parents, especially those who are particularly aggresive and stubborn are likely to become narcissists themselves, unfortunately continuing the cycle.

Supporting Children of Narcissistic Parents

If you have a young loved one who is a victim of narcissistic parenting, be it your student, your niece or even your own child (narcissistic spouse/ former spouse), there are ways that you can the impact on their development and future.

Ψ Educate: Educate yourself as much as possible about what narcissism is, what it means and the impact it has on a child. Afterwards, if possible, educate the child as well. Teach them about what it means to be emotionally abused in an age-appropriate language and manner. Help them to identify the signs so they are aware and do not fall into the trap of manipulation and gaslighting at the hands of the narcissist. Nurture confidence and composure in them so they learn not to internalise the verbal abuse and attacks of the narcissist.

Ψ Be Transparent: Be respectfully honest with the child regarding what is happening and why. Do not attempt to “protect” them by lying to them about their narcissistic parent or ignoring the problem, it will only add to their confusion.

Ψ Offer comfort, support and validation: Make it known to them that you can be a trusted source of comfort and warmth for them. Be there in their times of need and offer support or simply a listening ear. Validate their feelings and prevent them from falling into chronic self-blame. Teach and show them that love is not transactional or conditional upon their achievements or conduct.

“I think my parent might be a narcissist!”

…I am now in my thirties and recalling that all holidays were like this growing up, with a fear to please her. I had always been scared into finding ways to afford her expensive and extravagant gifts. For years holiday gifts took up most of my money and own creative energy. It's even triggered arguments between my spouse and I- why is my Mother the one to always receive the most and best gifts in all the family year after year? It was just embedded in me that if she wasn't properly rewarded, I would have to pay for it, so I worked hard to present more enhanced gifts to never again have to feel the pain she made me feel like on that one Mother's day. … we know deep down that no card will ever be good enough to make a narcissistic mother love you more than they love themselves. She had still trained me well, but now, I realize that it's not me and it never was about me and I just needed to stop.

—an adult child with a narcissistic mother

If you are the one with the experience with a narcissistic parent, here are some ways to help you make sense of your experience:

Ψ Educate yourself on what narcissism means and what narcissistic parenting entails. Even though you have lived through it, having a different perspective will allow you to identify patterns of behaviour and emotional repercussions so deeply ingrained in your daily normality that you may not perceive them as abnormal or dysfunctional.

Ψ Get in touch with your feelings and be honest with yourself without any judgement. It may feel uncomfortable at first especially if your feelings have been invalidated for most of your life. Know that it is normal to feel hopeless about your relationship with your narcissistic parent, and helpless that you can’t change them or guilt due to feeling like you should have done more. Be aware of any narcissistic habits you may have picked up from them over the years or any tendencies to be attracted to narcissistic partners.

Ψ Address difficult feelings by seeking psychological therapy and support from people you can trust. It may be necessary to set firm boundaries and minimise contact with the narcissistic parent. Accept that you cannot change them because holding on to hope will expose you to further manipulation and abuse. (Related article: Toxic Parents and Abusive Relationships)

Ψ Refrain from blaming or hurting yourself. Recognise that none of it is your fault. Your parent has been a narcissist from even before you were even born. Recognise that you are worthy of love and you have no reason to be ashamed. Repair your relationship with yourself, first and foremost.

Ψ Identify the different roles the presence of the narcissist has created in your family, for instance, the scapegoat, the golden child or the enabler (could be the other parent). Attempt to mend family relationships affected by the narcissist’s actions, if possible, and form a united support system. Otherwise, form an external support system with people you can trust and do not be afraid to seek professional help and support.

Remember, what you experienced is not your fault. You may not be able to change the circumstances that you came from, but you can now be in control of the solutions that you may seek for yourself.