Self-Regulation for Different Attachment Styles

Attachment style refers to the way we form relationships and interact with others. It is believed to develop or form during childhood, mainly through the interaction between a child and the primary caregivers. It's common to hear people attributing their struggles with relationships to attachment styles developed in childhood. However, despite its influence on relationship formation in adulthood, attachment style is not a fixed trait. This means that someone who developed attachment style A in early childhood could possibly grow up to have style B in adulthood. 

Type of Attachment Styles 

Researchers in this area generally agree that they are 4 attachment styles, namely 

The descriptions below focused on explaining attachment styles in the adult context.  

Secure Attachment 

• Individuals with a secure attachment style are able to form stable and close relationships with others. They are also able to maintain a good balance between being independent and showing dependency on another person. 

Avoidant Attachment 

• Individuals with this attachment style may seem detached or uninterested in forming close relationships. They display a strong sense of independence.  

Anxious Attachment 

• In contrast to individuals with an avoidant attachment style, those with an anxious attachment style often display a strong sense of dependency in a relationship. They usually crave intimacy and might appear demanding. 

Disorganised Attachment 

• This is a combination of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles. Individuals with a disorganised attachment style often experience a conflict between the desire for intimacy and the fear of intimacy. They might appear to be unstable and unpredictable in a relationship. 

How to Self-Regulate for Each Attachment Style 

Secure Attachment 

• Individuals with a secure attachment style usually find it easy to regulate themselves, but during times of vulnerability, kindly refer to the tips suggested for other attachment styles and give them a try.  

Avoidant Attachment 

Ψ Challenging Your Thoughts 

• "I shouldn't get too close to him; he will soon leave me" might be an example of a thought that people with an avoidant attachment style usually encounter. Whenever this happens, identify the thought, acknowledge it, and then try to challenge it. Look for evidence that suggests otherwise. For example, find instances where someone actually stayed with you and supported you when you needed them. If you find it challenging to do this virtually in your mind, you can try writing them down in your journal and keep track of how accurate or inaccurate those thoughts are. 

Ψ Gradual Exposure 

• Repression of emotions is one common reaction for individuals with an avoidant attachment style. They often find it uncomfortable to open up to others. One way to manage this is by taking one small step at a time. For instance, start by sharing something that is less emotionally intense or something you are relatively more comfortable sharing. 

• Apart from the emotional intensity, who you are sharing with is important as well. Reach out to someone you are more comfortable talking to, and consider sharing with them what you are expecting (e.g., just a listening ear or looking for suggestions) from the conversation. 

Ψ Communicate Openly 

• When you feel the need to take a break and have your personal space, communicate that openly. Let others know that you need to take a breather, and you will come back and talk about it when you are feeling better.  

Anxious Attachment 

Ψ Mindfulness Practice 

• The first step in self-regulation is recognising and identifying one's anxious thoughts. Mindfulness practice could be useful in this case, as constant mindfulness practice has been found to increase one's awareness of the self, the surroundings, and the present moment. 

• There are various mindfulness techniques available, and one simple technique that we are sharing here today is the “hand exercise”.  

  • Keep your palm at a comfortable distance from your face. In the next few minutes, try observing your hand as if you were an astronaut that just landed on a new planet.  

  • Notice the outline of the hand, the creases in your skin, your fingerprints, the lines that cut across your palm. 

  • Now, flip your hand over. Notice any scars or calluses. Notice how your knuckle turns white when you make a fist.  

  • Notice any judgements or thoughts you’re having. Simply acknowledge them as you bring your attention back to what’s physically in front of you. 

Ψ Reframing Your Thoughts 

• This is similar to challenging thoughts mentioned above, with one additional element, which is to “reframe” your thinking. For instance, when you notice the thought, “She’s not replying to my message; she must hate me”, how can it be reframed? 

  • “She’s not replying to my message; she might be in the middle of a meeting”. 

  • “She’s not replying to my message; she might be driving”. 

  • “She’s not replying to my message; she might be resting and taking a break from her phone”.  

  • “She’s not replying to my message; it’s okay, she will reply when she wants to”.  

    These are some possible alternatives, and you can always come up with your own ones. The idea is to redirect or reframe our negative automatic thoughts, telling our minds that we don't know for sure that what's in our minds is absolutely right; we would like to consider other possible alternatives as well. 

Disorganised Attachment 

Individuals with a disorganised attachment style experience both avoidant and anxious thoughts. Practising a combination of different mentioned above could be helpful.  

Understanding your attachment style is the first step towards building healthier relationships and improving your emotional well-being. While these patterns may have been shaped during childhood, they are not set in stone. With self-awareness and consistent effort, we can shift towards a more secure attachment style and develop stronger, more fulfilling connections with others. 

How to Deal with Procrastination

“Do I really have to start this task now – maybe in ten minutes...or tomorrow?”

(Fast forward a week later and an hour to the deadline, you realised you barely started on the task – screams panic!) 

Procrastination is a common experience that we deal with on a daily basis, something some of us are guilty of (this author included) - you are not alone! While procrastination may appear harmless, it could be debilitating for some as they struggle to break free from the cycle of procrastination. If you find yourself in this situation, reading on may be helpful to navigate around procrastination.  

Identify Underlying Causes 

Before you embark on breaking the cycle of procrastination, it is important to understand why procrastination happens in the first place. People procrastinate for various reasons. Some individuals hold high standards of their work and fear not being able to achieve that level of perfection. Others may lack motivation to start a task or may have hit the work slump. Identifying the underlying causes or possible triggers of your procrastination could help in developing practical strategies that will be most helpful for you. 

Strategies to Manage Procrastination 

1. Setting Realistic Expectations 

   How do you know when your expectations need to be adjusted? If the task is either too easy or too challenging to the extent that it demotivates you from starting, it is an indicator that your expectations should be adjusted. With a realistic expectation, one would be able to gain the necessary motivation to work on their task and complete it within the given timeframe.  

2. Breaking Tasks Down 

   Complicated and heavy tasks can be overwhelming and it is often easier to push them to the bottom of the to-do list. However, putting them off may often lead to increased stress due to accumulating deadlines. One simple strategy could be:  

   • Breaking down the task into smaller, achievable steps. For instance, instead of attempting to write a 1000-word essay in a single day, break it down into writing 200 words per day. 

3. Scheduling 

   On the contrary, some individuals may find it challenging to meet deadlines when tasks are broken down into smaller steps. They may find that it extends the timeframe of task completion. As such, it could be helpful to schedule a realistic timeframe and allocate how much time is needed for each task. This can be done in the following ways:  

   • Write out a timetable of any existing or new tasks.  

   • Ensure sufficient time is allocated to complete the tasks at hand. 

   • Carve out extra time for any revision or edits. 

   • Time yourself (if necessary) to gauge how much time you actually take to complete tasks.

   • Scheduling also facilitates efficient time management as it holds us accountable and eventually prevents tasks from piling up. 

4. Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts 

   In some cases, people procrastinate due to thoughts of performing poorly or they fear criticism of their work quality. These thoughts are also known as 'unhelpful thoughts' as they hinder any progress on tasks, fuelling procrastination. To address this, try challenging these thoughts by seeking evidence against them or reframing them. For example, you could ask yourself: “Have I received any negative feedback that supports my current view about the quality of my work?”  

   Finding alternative and balanced thoughts may not come easy to all and if you find it difficult to challenge these thoughts on your own, you could consider seeking support from trusted family members, mates or professionals.  

5. Minimise Distractions 

   Keeping your workspace clean and minimal of possible distractions can be beneficial.  You may consider working or studying alone rather than in a group as it may be counterproductive if you are easily distracted.  While some find listening to music helpful to maintain focus, others may be easily distracted by any form of sound. Understanding your own preferences is important in creating an environment conducive to productivity.  

As tempting as it is to say, 'I know what I need to do, and I'll start tomorrow,' it is best to find your prime time and attempt your tasks when you are at your optimum! Breaking the cycle of procrastination is not an easy journey, but with consistency (and doing what works best for you), you will gradually get better at managing it.  

Trauma Bonding

“Guys, can we just trauma bond for sec? You know when your shift is about to end and suddenly you get an order of 20 drinks...” 

Ever heard this on Tiktok? Actually, the term “trauma bond” has been misused in this context. It doesn’t mean bonding over the same negative experiences. Rather, it's an unhealthy connection in abusive relationships – where the victim is overly attached to and dependent on the abuser. 

Signs We’re in a Trauma Bond 

1. We deny all the red flags. 

We refuse to acknowledge the bad parts of the relationship. Maybe we choose to leave it out of conversations with our loved ones.  

2. We defend and justify our abuser’s actions. 

“She didn’t hit me that hard.” We tell our friends that it wasn’t a big deal.  

“I shouldn’t have looked in their direction, it’s my fault.” We explain that we deserve the abuse.  

Physical and emotional abuse are never okay! You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You are worthy of respect and safety.  

3. We find it hard to leave the relationship.  

Separation from our abuser means losing the emotional connection we depended on them for.  

4. We cut off the people who try to help. 

We’re clouded by our abusers’ opinion and block out others who disagree. 

7 Stages of Trauma Bonding 

1. Love-bombing 

The abuser convinces us that they have good intentions and want the best for us. They can provide us with anything we need. 

2. Developing Trust and Dependency 

At some point, our abuser leads us to question their intentions. But they turn it back at us, talking about all they had done for us in the love-bombing stage – are we not grateful?  

3. Criticism 

Just when they’ve gained our trust, they start to point out “problematic” traits we have, or things we’ve done that they’re not happy about. We feel guilty and apologise – because we think we’re wrong, and they’re right.  

4. Manipulation and Gaslighting 

“You definitely said this yesterday, how could you be changing your mind?” Our abusers cause us to doubt our reality, and we question whether we’re going insane.  

5. Resignation and Giving Up 

Feeling unworthy, we give in to the abuse. We deserve it anyway. 

6. Loss of Self 

We no longer have our own identity – everything we do or say is tied to our abuser. We lose our social connections because we are no longer who we were. 

7. Obsession 

In a period of calm, our abuser apologises. We forgive them and feel all positive again. Love-bombing restarts and the vicious cycle continues.  

What to do to break the bond 

• Recognise the trauma bond 

Acknowledging the unhealthy relationship is the first step to healing. We need to recognise the abuse that we were put through. 

• Leave the relationship (safely) 

We can start by distancing ourselves from the abuser. Be assertive and set boundaries. If having a conversation is dangerous, we need to create a safety plan to keep ourselves safe. Work this out with a trusted friend and talk to a therapist about it.  

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 

In CBT, we’re guided to challenge beliefs told to us by the abuser. In the process, we also learn to better manage difficult emotions or situations.  

Help is available:

• National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline: 1800-777-0000 

• Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 

Why Someone Rubs You the Wrong Way

If you are reading this, you have likely encountered someone who rubs you the wrong way. This person could be a colleague, a friend, a neighbour, or even a family member. There is always something about them, whether it's the way they speak, behave, or simply their mere presence, that makes you feel irritable.

But why is this the case? 

Different Values 

Values drive our actions, perceptions, and essentially every aspect of our lives. When two people with different values, or even opposing values, come together, clashes and conflicts can become inevitable. We must invest extra effort in regulating our emotions and managing our expectations in such situations. However, as time passes, it may become increasingly challenging to tolerate these differences. For example, consider someone who highly values punctuality meeting with someone who has a more relaxed approach to time. Being late once might be tolerable, but a consistent pattern of lateness can gradually wear down the person who values punctuality, making them increasingly irritable over time. 

Different Personality 

Apart from values, personality is another factor that might play a role here. Introverts and extroverts are probably two of the most common personalities known. Introverts are those who prefer solitary and low-stimulation environments, while extroverts are those who prefer social interaction and enjoy external stimuli. When people with these two different personalities meet, clashes could potentially happen. On one hand, introverts may feel overwhelmed by extroverts' social demands, and on the other hand, extroverts may feel that introverts are aloof or uninterested. 

Past Experiences 

Our life experiences shape our perceptions. If we've had a bad experience with an insurance agent, it's possible that when we encounter another insurance agent in the future, we might already have a negative impression of them before knowing much about them. When we meet someone who shares similar characteristics with those whom we had unpleasant experiences with in the past, they can easily rub us the wrong way even without doing anything. 

Conflicting Goals 

One simple example to illustrate this is by looking at football fans. I believe most of us have come across news where rival football fans were fighting or involved in violent clashes. Two different groups of individuals with different goals. When this occurs, or in cases where someone obstructs us from achieving our goals, it is natural for us to view them as enemies. 

There are various reasons that could contribute to why someone rubs us the wrong way, but there is probably one simple antidote to it, which is by being mindful. Being mindful of how our behaviours or perceptions are affected by our values, personalities, experiences, and goals allows us to be aware of our thinking and behaviour and gain better control of our actions.  

10 "harmless" things parents say that are actually emotionally damaging

EMOtional DAmage!  

Kids say the darndest things, but how about parents? In reality, some things we say that sound harmless are actually emotionally damaging to our children.  

Watch your words! Here are 10 things we want to avoid saying to our children.  

1. You’re getting fat. 

Shaming your child for their weight is not helpful. Doing so hurts their self-esteem and could even lead to body image issues.  

2. Why can’t you be more like your cousin?  

Perhaps you want to inspire them to model the behaviour of other children. But comparing your child to others may instead make them feel inferior. They may even choose to distance themselves from these “role models”. In the end, they lose the motivation to improve themselves.  

3. I sacrificed so much for you. Yet... 

Sure, you gave up years of your own time to raise your children. But that wasn’t their choice, so don’t blame them when you’re unsatisfied with your own life. Making them feel like burdens may instead stop them from sharing feelings and challenges with you.  

4. When I die, no one’s going to clean the house. 

This is another way we guilt-trip our children. Saying this makes them feel incapable of independence.  

5. You’re just like your father. 

Pitting our children against grown adults is unfair. Especially when we compare them to the negative qualities of that adult. Not only does this put the adult in a bad light, but the child may also be burdened by the qualities that they now think they have.  

6. Nobody will ever love you as much as I do. 

This might seem like we’re just expressing how much we love our children. In reality, we’re letting them know that they’re not worthy of love from others – it sounds like we are doing them a favour by loving them. It’s manipulative and toxic! 

7. Crying won’t change anything. 

Children cry when they are upset, and so do we. Telling them to stop crying dismisses their real feelings. Besides, it’s not easy to switch off your tears! 

8. This is so easy, why don’t you understand? 

Maybe the math is easy to you, but don’t belittle your child for not understanding! Doing so can hurt their confidence, lower their motivation to try again, and even lead them to develop negative beliefs about themselves. Instead, be encouraging and patient as they learn. 

9. Practice makes perfect. 

Pressuring children to be perfect sets them up against impossible standards! When they’ve worked hard but still fall short, they may feel inadequate – not because they failed, but because the expectations set were unrealistic for their age.  

10. Hurry up! 

Yes, your next appointment is in 20 minutes, and your child has barely put on a sock. But rushing them with a “hurry up” can make them feel stressed and slow. Instead, try saying “Let’s quickly put on your shoes”. A gentler and collaborative approach can build their confidence and empower children to work towards independence. 

As a parent, we want what’s best for our children – but the words we choose matter more than we may think. Children pay attention to the language we use and the comments we make can deeply affect a child’s self-esteem, emotional well-being and self-identify. By being more mindful and compassionate in our words, we can cultivate a safe and nurturing environment for our children where they feel valued, understood and empowered to grow.  

5 hygiene hacks when a shower is just too much

I haven’t showered in days. I know I need to but I can’t get up.  

Showering can feel like a daunting task. Mentally, we’re drained, so it’s not a priority. But we need to clean ourselves for the sake of our physical health. Not only is showering a part of basic hygiene, but it can also improve our self-esteem and even help us relax. The next time a shower is too much for you, try any of these 5 hacks. 

1. Take a seat 

We don’t have to be standing in the shower! Try using a stool or shower seat. Make sure everything – soaps and showerhead - is within arm’s reach. 

2. Set the mood 

Taking a shower may not be something we look forward to. Try pairing it with something fun, like watching your favourite drama. Lying in bed with your phone? Turn on your shower playlist first, and sing along while you soap up.  

3. Take baby steps  

Undressing can feel like the biggest first step of the shower. If you’re not ready, keep your clothes on. Start by washing your face, or washing your hair over the sink. Smaller steps are still steps in the right direction! 

4. Take the shortcut sometimes 

When getting into the shower is too impossible, go for alternatives. Opt for dry shampoo and wet wipes, and use a leave-in conditioner. 

5. Set a goal 

Set a goal for the week. Whether it is taking one full shower or just washing your hair, make it a point to work towards that goal. Reward yourself with a treat after you have accomplished it. You can even get a friend to keep you accountable. 

Taking a shower is a form of self-care. Let’s remember to celebrate the little steps we took – whether it was washing our faces, turning on the shower head, or taking a whole shower! 

Not Knowing how to Live vs Wanting to Die

Why are we here and where do we go after? Thinking about life and death is human.   

At some point, we might feel lost – we don’t know how to live. How is this different from wanting to end our lives?  

Not knowing how to live 

I don’t know what to do with my life. 

Many of us have these thoughts when we face a turning point. We could be going through change and making decisions – like leaving school, starting a new career or losing a family member.  

We feel uncertain as life presents us with a blank slate. With no clear purpose, we are confused. This turns into what is commonly dubbed as an “existential crisis”. This period can feel highly distressing, as we continue to have unanswered questions. 

What can we do when we don’t know how to live? 

• Explore our passions and continue our hobbies 

• Expand our horizons: Read widely and talk to people 

• Know and acknowledge our strengths 

• Accept that this is a period of uncertainty 

Wanting to die 

While we could consider feeling lost to be a normal part of life, it could turn dangerous. Without the plan and intention of ending our lives, the desire to die or no longer exist are considered passive suicide ideation. This signals that we have overwhelming emotions and pain, and we’re in desperate need of relief. 

Passive suicide ideation is a warning sign. Likely, there are underlying issues that we need to address. These challenges don’t just fade away over time. In fact, they can lead to active plans for death. As such, it is best that we pay attention to our thoughts, and get the help that we need. 

What can we do when we want to die? 

• Call the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 

• Talk to someone 

• Consider therapy 

• Make a safety plan: Decide and write down what we will do to keep ourselves safe when we want to die. 

Our existential crises may not be entirely bad – it hints at us to reassess what we’re going through. Perhaps some redirection and exploration can help us find meaning in our lives. But our alarm bells should ring when we find ourselves thinking of dying to relieve our pain. In this case, we can reach out to the available support around us – whether it’s talking to friends, family or professionals.  

Coping with Social Anxiety at the Dining Table

Sit. Eat. Chat. Sounds simple enough, right?  

Yet, for those with social anxiety, joining a meal can feel excruciating. We are confined to a spot, and everyone is focused on each other. However, eating together is a good way to bond with others. Let us explore how we can cope with our social anxiety and bond:  

Think back 

A saying goes “If I had an hour to solve a problem, I’d spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem, and five minutes thinking about solutions”. It could help to first identify our specific fears.

Think back and try to recall what was upsetting:  

Am I boring? 

There are too many people!  

They are judging me! 

Let us jot down our fears so that we know what to work on. 

Prepare 

Has “I’m boring… I have nothing fun to talk about” crossed your mind? We can prepare conversation topics by reading up on current events, the latest books, movies, or games. Alternatively, we can also recall recent memories that we are comfortable to share with others. Note these down so that we can refer to them during our meals! 

Relaxation techniques 

Conversation topics? Check. But what about our emotions? To help manage them, here are some useful relaxation techniques: 

1. Taking long, slow breaths and focus on them. 

2. Noticing our emotions and letting them wash over us. 

3. Progressive muscle relaxation by slowly tensing and then relaxing different muscles in your body, one at a time.  

Find the techniques that work best for you and practise them before you head out! 

Sit firm! 

Is “There are too many diners!” a familiar thought? Let’s start small and first dine with one person. During the meal, remember to use your prepared conversation topics and employ relaxation techniques to bear with the stress. Paying attention to how often the embarrassing situations we are afraid of actually take place will also help us. 

Focus on others 

“Am I appropriately dressed?”, “Am I chewing too loudly?”. There are so many things about ourselves that we can pick on.  What if we focused on others instead? Some things to consider include: 

Do you like their appearance? 

Does their food look tasty? 

What emotions are they experiencing? 

As a bonus, we can even comment on them to keep the conversation going!  

Clarify 

“You look…great.” 

“Why the pause? Oh no…I must look terrible!” 

When in doubt, it can be helpful to clarify. The person could have sincerely meant it and was simply struggling to find thier words! 

Consistently march on! 

Practice makes perfect. Let us try to consistently have meals with others, and when comfortable, consider increasing the amount of people at the table.  

We hope that some of these will help you, and that we will all be able to eat together with our loved ones. Let us no longer be trapped between the rock (anxiety) and a hard place (feeling lonely from missing out on meals with others)! 

20 questions to ask your psychiatrist/psychologist after you’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

We may feel overwhelmed by emotions when we are finally given an official diagnosis. Gone, is that feeling of uncertainty, that uneasiness of “just what is wrong with me?”. We may experience relief from now having a label to describe our experiences, or perhaps feel sombre over being different. It is okay to allow ourselves some time to breathe and to feel our emotions.  

Once calmed, the thought may then occur to us, “What’s next? What do I need to know? What should I ask?”

Here are 20 questions that may prove useful: 

Clarification of diagnosis 

1. What does “borderline” mean?

2. Why is it called a “personality disorder”? Am I a bad person? 

3. What symptoms of BPD do I display? 

4. Could there be other diagnoses with similar symptoms? Are we certain I have BPD? 

5. Do I have any comorbidities? 

Learning

6. Was I born with this? How did I get this?

7. Do you have any tips for managing my symptoms and feelings? 

8. Do you have any recommended resources that would help me better understand BPD?

9. Do you know of any support group that I can join? 

10. Are there films or books about BPD that I may be able to relate to? 

11. How should I tell my loved ones about this?

12. How can I tell if someone still loves me?

13. Will this affect my relationships?

14. Will this impact my professional career?

15. Is there anything I should avoid? 

Treatment 

16. Is this curable? 

17. Are there any medications that may help? What are the side effects?

18. What is the most effective treatment? 

19. When will I get better? 

20. Is it possible to relapse? 

It has likely taken bravery and effort on our part to seek professional assessment, and we should give ourselves a pat on the back. Similarly, the road to recovery may seem arduous and daunting, but let us once again find the courage to persevere, so that we may better enjoy relationships with others.

I've been called manipulative, what should i do?

Depending on the context and our personalities, we may react differently to being called manipulative. Some of us may revel in having control over another, while others may feel guilty and ponder, “Am I a bad person?”.  

We may even have heard that people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) are manipulative and worry if we may have the same disorder too. So, what should we do to check? 

Reflect 

Firstly, let us take a moment to reflect on these questions: 

Have others called me “manipulative”? 

What constitutes an acceptable behaviour can vary between individuals and cultures. If only one person labelled us as such, perhaps our personalities simply do not match. However, when many people think of us as manipulative, it may be beneficial to consider the next few questions. 

What did I feel while carrying out the acts? 

“Manipulation” may draw to mind a calm and collected con artist. If we enjoy lording over others, we may even feel exhilaration! On the other hand, individuals with BPD experience feelings of desperation! They engage in such behaviours as they are terrified of being abandoned and need the consistent reassurance or validation. 

What was I hoping to achieve through my actions? 

Unlike notions of manipulation where we are trying to gain something at the expense of someone else, individuals with BPD have different aims! Granted, individuals with BPD may sound manipulative with requests like “If you love me, help me do…” or “Do …, otherwise I will hurt myself”. However, their intention isn’t to inflict harm or dominate the other person. Instead, it is usually done to seek emotional comfort and reassurance that they are cherished and not about to be abandoned. 

After having pondered these questions and if it seems that we are similar to a person with BPD, let us move on to the next step to further explore if we may have BPD. 

Consult the family 

BPD runs in the family, with studies estimating that having a parent, sibling or child with BPD puts us at a 5 times greater risk of developing it ourselves. Checking in with our loved ones to see if there are any relatives within the family with BPD may help confirm or allay our worries. 

Seek professional opinion 

Lastly, the sure-fire way to check if we may have BPD would be to seek out a mental health professional. With their expertise and more in-depth assessment tools, they are more likely to provide you with an accurate assessment.