Not Knowing how to Live vs Wanting to Die

At some point, we might feel lost – we don’t know how to live. How is this different from wanting to end our lives?  

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Not knowing how to live 

I don’t know what to do with my life. 

Many of us have these thoughts when we face a turning point. We could be going through change and making decisions – like leaving school, starting a new career or losing a family member.  

We feel uncertain as life presents us with a blank slate. With no clear purpose, we are confused. This turns into what is commonly dubbed as an “existential crisis”. This period can feel highly distressing, as we continue to have unanswered questions. 

What can we do when we don’t know how to live? 

• Explore our passions and continue our hobbies 

• Expand our horizons: Read widely and talk to people 

• Know and acknowledge our strengths 

• Accept that this is a period of uncertainty 

Wanting to die 

While we could consider feeling lost to be a normal part of life, it could turn dangerous. Without the plan and intention of ending our lives, the desire to die or no longer exist are considered passive suicide ideation. This signals that we have overwhelming emotions and pain, and we’re in desperate need of relief. 

Passive suicide ideation is a warning sign. Likely, there are underlying issues that we need to address. These challenges don’t just fade away over time. In fact, they can lead to active plans for death. As such, it is best that we pay attention to our thoughts, and get the help that we need. 

What can we do when we want to die? 

• Call the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 

• Talk to someone 

• Consider therapy 

• Make a safety plan: Decide and write down what we will do to keep ourselves safe when we want to die. 

Our existential crises may not be entirely bad – it hints at us to reassess what we’re going through. Perhaps some redirection and exploration can help us find meaning in our lives. But our alarm bells should ring when we find ourselves thinking of dying to relieve our pain. In this case, we can reach out to the available support around us – whether it’s talking to friends, family or professionals.  

Understanding Disordered Eating and Mental Health

Misconceptions of Disordered Eating
Credit: TEDx Talks

Wait! Disordered eating or eating disorder? Aren’t they the same?

Not exactly! While they share some similarities, they are different.

An “eating disorder” is a clinical diagnosis, with specific criteria for conditions like anorexia or bulimia.

On the other hand, “disordered eating” refers to unhealthy eating behaviours or patterns that don’t meet the full criteria for an eating disorder.

Someone with disordered eating may not have an eating disorder, but people with eating disorders often exhibit disordered eating behaviours. Disordered eating is quite common and can often go unnoticed, as it may show up in small actions you might do daily without realising.

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How do I know if I have disordered eating and not an eating disorder?

While there is no single, perfect guideline on what constitutes “normal eating” as each of our bodies is different, healthy eating is about nourishing our body in a balanced and flexible way. Not overly restrictive, preoccupied, or obsessed (binging, excessive calorie counting).

The golden rule: eat when hungry and stop when satiated (not when you’re about to unbutton your pants).

Whether it’s 3 regular meals a day, or smaller portions but more frequently, our food intake should have all the necessary nutrients our body needs.

In contrast, disordered eating can fly under the radar because its signs are usually more subtle. In contrast, eating disorders are generally more severe and easier to spot. For more information, read more about eating disorders here.

But when it comes to disordered eating, here are a few behaviours to take note of:

Ψ     Eating when stressed or for comfort
Ψ     Eating when not hungry or not for nourishment
Ψ     Following restrictive diets
Ψ     Fasting for extended periods (more than 24 hours)
Ψ     Regularly skipping meals
Ψ     Episodes of binge eating
Ψ     Using diet pills to control weight
Ψ     Misusing diuretics, laxatives, or enemas
Ψ     Feeling guilty after eating or for eating certain foods

If any of these sound familiar, it may be time to reflect on our relationship with food.

Here’s a short summary of the differences between disordered eating and eating disorders:

Disordered Eating	Eating Disorders
Eating for emotional reasons	Frequently thinking about food
Eating to cope with distress	Extreme calorie concern
Rigid rituals or routines around food and exercise	Fixation on weight and body shape
Occasional calorie restriction or bingeing	Disruption in daily life
Selective eating	Significant weight changes

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Disordered Eating and Mental Health: The Connection

While disordered eating might seem less severe than an eating disorder, it can still impact both physical and mental health over time.

Disordered eating often stems from emotional reasons, particularly to cope with distress. This distress may come from feeling heightened stress in our lives, or anxiety about our weight, health or appearance.

For example, finding ourselves rummaging through the office pantry right after lunch because we’re feeling stressed or skipping dinner because we’re already full from snacks, telling ourselves, "I need to lose weight.”

Soon after, feelings of regret and guilt may arise, whether from eating or restricting food. This can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, or feeling unsatisfied, prompting behaviours like skipping meals or overeating. This cycle of stress, eating, guilt and restriction can create a pattern that’s hard to break.

If you notice the signs, it might be time to check in on your emotional needs.

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Okay, I think... I might have it. So, what should I do now to stop it?

The key is to start from within. Addressing disordered eating isn't just about changing eating habits – it's also about understanding the emotional and mental factors that drive these behaviours. Here are some steps you can take:

Ψ    Gather knowledge and check in with yourself often

Start by learning the signs of disordered eating and eating disorders, just like you’re doing now! Recognising these patterns early can help you catch them before they become more ingrained.

Mindfulness plays a big role here. Stay grounded and present and be aware of your emotions and physical cues. Eat when you’re hungry and try to differentiate between physical hunger and emotional hunger.  

Ψ    Try alternative coping mechanisms

If you’re using food to deal with emotions like stress or sadness, or even binge eating when you’re feeling happy, try adopting healthier ways to manage your emotions and eating, such as:

• Exercise: Physical activity can help relieve stress and improve mood.

• Creative hobbies: Engage in activities like painting, writing, or crafting to channel your emotions in a productive way.

• Heathy snacks: Opt for nutritious options like fruits.  

Ψ    Avoid fad diets

Fad diets often promise quick results but can harm your body and disrupt healthy eating habits.

Focused on balanced, long-term changes (choosing healthier options, or preparing your own meals) instead of drastic restrictions that can lead to disordered eating behaviours.

Ψ    Self-positive encouragement

Celebrate small victories! Even the tiniest steps toward healthier behaviours, deserve recognition. Use positive self-talk to motivate yourself. You could say things like:

• “Good job to me! I didn’t overeat, even though I loved the food!”

• “I made it! I didn’t skip any meals this week!”

Sometimes, enjoying a good meal can be a form of celebration – just remember to enjoy it in the right portion and be aware of when you feel satiated. 

Okay, but what is the right portion?
There’s a Chinese saying, “qi (7) fen bao, gang gang hao,” which means “eat until you’re 70% full.” This could be the balanced portion your body needs.

Ψ    Set realistic goals

Don’t expect to change everything overnight. Set achievable, small goals that focus on improving your relationship with food and your body. This could be as simple as:

• Eating 3 regular meals per day

• Reducing emotional eating from 5 times a week to 3 times

Lastly, if you’re struggling to manage disordered eating on your own, reaching out for professional support is a great next step. Therapists, dietitians, or counsellors specialised in eating behaviours can guide you toward healthier coping strategies and a balanced relationship with food.