Disordered Eating

Wait! Disordered eating or eating disorder? Aren’t they the same?  

Not exactly! While they share some similarities, they are different.

An “eating disorder” is a clinical diagnosis, with specific criteria for conditions like anorexia or bulimia. On the other hand, “disordered eating” refers to unhealthy eating behaviours or patterns that don’t meet the full criteria for an eating disorder. 

Someone with disordered eating may not have an eating disorder, but people with eating disorders often exhibit disordered eating behaviours. Disordered eating is quite common and can often go unnoticed, as it may show up in small actions you might do daily without realising.  

How do I know if I have a disordered eating and not an eating disorder? 

Disordered eating can fly under the radar because its signs are usually more subtle. In contrast, eating disorders are generally more severe and easier to spot. For more information, read more about eating disorders here. 

But when it comes to disordered eating, here are a few behaviours to take note of: 

• Eating when stressed or for comfort 

• Eating when not hungry or not for nourishment 

• Following restrictive diets 

• Fasting for extended periods (more than 24 hours) 

• Regularly skipping meals 

• Episodes of binge eating 

• Using diet pills to control weight 

• Misusing diuretics, laxatives, or enemas 

• Feeling guilty after eating or for eating certain foods 

If any of these sound familiar, it may be time to reflect on our relationship with food.  

Disordered Eating vs Eating Disorder: A Summary 

Here’s a short summary of the differences between disordered eating and eating disorders: 

There is no single, perfect guideline on what constitutes “normal eating”. Each of our bodies is different, and healthy eating is about nourishing our body in a balanced and flexible way. Not overly restrictive, preoccupied, or obsessed (binging, excessive calorie counting). Eat when hungry and stop when satiated. Whether it’s 3 regular meals a day, or smaller portions but more frequent, our food intake should have all the necessary nutrients our body needs. 

Disordered Eating and Mental Health: The Connection 

While disordered eating might seem less severe than an eating disorder, it can still impact both physical and mental health over time. Disordered eating often stems from emotional reasons, particularly to cope with distress. This distress may come from feeling heightened stress in our lives, or anxiety about our weight, health or appearance. 

For example, finding ourselves rummaging through the office pantry right after lunch because we’re feeling stressed or skipping dinner because we’re already full from snacks, telling ourselves, "I need to lose weight.”  

Soon after, feelings of regret and guilt may arise, whether from eating or restricting food. This can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, or feeling unsatiated, prompting behaviours like skipping meals or overeating. This cycle of stress, eating, guilt, and restriction can create a pattern that’s hard to break. 

If you notice these signs, it might be time to check in on your emotional needs.  

Okay, I think... I might have it. So, what should I do now to stop it? 

The key is to start from within. Addressing disordered eating isn't just about changing eating habits – it's also about understanding the emotional and mental factors that drive these behaviours. Here are some steps you can take: 

1. Gather knowledge and check in with yourself often  

Start by learning the signs of disordered eating and eating disorders, just like you’re doing now! Recognising these patterns early can help you catch them before they become more ingrained.   

Mindfulness plays a big role here. Stay grounded and present and be aware of your emotions and physical cues. Eat when you’re hungry and try to differentiate between physical hunger and emotional hunger.   

2. Try alternative coping mechanisms 

If you’re using food to deal with emotions like stress or sadness, or even binge eating when you’re feeling happy, try adopting healthier ways to manage your emotions and eating, such as: 

• Exercise: Physical activity can help relieve stress and improve mood. 

• Creative hobbies: Engage in activities like painting, writing, or crafting to channel your emotions in a productive way. 

• Heathy snacks: Opt for nutritious options like fruits.  

3. Avoid fad diets 

Fad diets often promise quick results but can harm your body and disrupt healthy eating habits. Focused on balanced, long-term changes (choosing healthier options, or preparing your own meals) instead of drastic restrictions that can lead to disordered eating behaviours.  

4. Self-positive encouragement 

Celebrate small victories! Even the tiniest steps toward healthier behaviours deserve recognition. Use positive self-talk to motivate yourself. You could say things like: 

• “Good job to me! I didn’t overeat, even though I loved the food!” 

• “I made it! I didn’t skip any meals this week!” 

Sometimes, enjoying a good meal can be a form of celebration – just remember to enjoy it in the right portion and be aware of when you feel satiated.  

What is the right portion? 

There’s a Chinese saying, “qi (7) fen bao, gang gang hao,” which means “eat until you’re 70% full.” This could be the balanced portion your body needs.

5. Set realistic goals 

Don’t expect to change everything overnight. Set achievable, small goals that focus on improving your relationship with food and your body. This could be as simple as: 

• Eating 3 regular meals per day 

• Reducing emotional eating from 5 times a week to 3 times 

Lastly, if you’re struggling to manage disordered eating on your own, reaching out for professional support is a great next step. Therapists, dietitians, or counsellors specialising in eating behaviours can guide you toward healthier coping strategies and a balanced relationship with food. 

Fertility, IVF, and Egg freezing

The clock ticks 

We’ve graduated from school at last! With energy abundant, we hit the ground running. We’re eager and zealous to take on the world, to explore its beauty, to pursue our hobbies, and to carve a name for ourselves in our careers! The world is truly our oyster! 

Yet, in a seemingly cruel twist of fate, this moment is also the most conducive period to conceive a child as our fertility is at its peak. If we choose to sprint ahead with other pursuits, time waits for no man and marches on mercilessly. For most of us, fertility begins to decline at approximately 32 years of age. This means that the chances of pregnancy get lower as we age. Additionally, there is also a higher risk of complications when getting pregnant later in life, which poses health risks to our child and ourselves.  

As time ticks on, the pressure to decide between motherhood and our other pursuits rises steadily. We are bombarded with unending questions of when we plan to have kids, “friendly” reminders of our age, and have to contend with our own desires to make sure that our kids will be born healthy. Over time, it can be very stressful and distressing.  

Assistance 

Thankfully, there are a few methods available to us if we wish to have both pursuits and motherhood!  

The first would be IVF (in vitro fertilisation). IVF can help boost fertility and chance of pregnancy, and this is done by fertilising our eggs with our partner’s sperm in a laboratory and then replacing the eggs back into our wombs.  

The other option would be EEF (elective egg freezing).  EEF can help preserve fertility by freezing and storing our younger and healthier eggs.  

With these two methods, we have the options to preserve or boost our fertility so that we can enjoy other pursuits in our youths! 

 How do I decide? 

1. Radical acceptance 

   It’s stressful to face our biological clocks. It’s frustrating to be bombarded with questions. It might feel unfair that we need to pause our other pursuits for motherhood. We hear you. These are all natural and very valid feelings to have. But holding on to such feelings can quickly tire us out, and we could already use more sleep as is!  

   Instead, let’s try to make the conscious effort to acknowledge our emotions and the reality of the situation. Acceptance would not lessen our stress or frustration, but it could afford us the energy to move forward, to make and stick with our decisions. 

2. Challenging thoughts 

   Societal and cultural expectations can be harsh, and we may worry about how our decisions may be perceived: 

   • “Am I selfish for pursuing my career/hobby?” 

   • “Will others think less of me if I use these technologies?” 

   • “Am I a terrible mother?” 

   These unhelpful thoughts hurt us and may not actually be true. So, what can we do about them? Well, we can try to recognise these thoughts when they do happen and challenge them by asking ourselves the following questions: 

   • What would we say to a friend who is going through the same situation? 

   • Is there evidence that supports these thoughts? 

   • What about evidence that contradicts these thoughts? 

3. Seek support 

Our loved ones and friends know us well and this could be a great opportunity to check in with them. Let’s try to share about our worries, receive their support, and to hear their opinions and thoughts on the matter.  

We could also consider booking an appointment with a health professional to find out more about fertility, the available options, and any possible side effects. That way, we empower ourselves to make a more informed decision in the future. 

Our body 

It’s not easy being a woman, so let’s be kind to ourselves. Let’s remember that it’s our body and our choice as to whether we wish to have children earlier, later, or not at all.   

Breast & Ovarian Cancer

The shock of the diagnosis. The uncertainty of treatment, results or mortality. The feeling of everything being out of our control.  

But first… 

What is Breast Cancer? 

A kind of cancer that begins as a growth of cells in the breast tissue. Abnormal breast cells grow out of control and form tumours.  

Breast cancer usually occurs in older women above 50 but can also affect men and younger women. In Singapore, breast cancer is the most commonly occurring cancer among women, accounting for 29.7% of all cancers diagnosed in females. 

What is Ovarian Cancer? 

It occurs when abnormal cells in ovaries or fallopian tubes grow and multiply out of control. It may originate from the ovary or more commonly from nearby structures such as fallopian tubes or the inner lining of the abdomen.  

Ovarian cancer usually occurs in older women above 60 who are in the menopausal stage but can also affect younger women. In Singapore, ovarian cancer was 4.4% of all cancers diagnosed in women from 2016-2020. It is the 5th most common cancer in Singaporean women. 

Mental Health Challenges 

Here are the moments that women may struggle the most in the cancer journey:  

6. Awaiting follow-up results  

• Waiting for the outcomes of follow-up tests 

7. Survivorship phase (Life after diagnosis or treatment) 

• Persistent guilt (about family, children, responsibilities) 

• Fear of recurrence 

• Diminished self-esteem 

• Problems with social acceptance and body image 

• Difficulty in re-entry into previous life 

• Perceived and actual loss of employment and insurance discrimination 

• Concerns about infertility 

8. Symptom recurrence 

9. Facing end of life 

As treatment goes on, distress heightens (with all the physical and social impacts too). It is then no surprise that these can culminate into anxiety, depression, PTSD, or other conditions. 

1. Before diagnosis  

• Noticing a concerning symptom  

• Anxiously awaiting test results 

2. Initial diagnosis  

• Receiving the news of the diagnosis for the first time 

3. Anticipating treatment 

• Waiting to learn about the recommended treatment plan  

4. Leaving the hospital  

5. Completion or adjustment of treatment  

• Fear of finishing a treatment course   

• Adapting to a change in the plan 

How to Cope, Psychologically 

Receiving a diagnosis is never easy. The shock and distress can be overwhelming, and we might not know how to cope with such complicated emotions and thoughts.  

Yet, how we feel, think and cope with the diagnosis and treatment can greatly affect our physical health, treatment progress, adherence and recovery. So let’s take time to prioritise ourselves – physically and mentally.

Here are some ways to cope better: 

1. Find your support pillars 

Lean on those trusted friends and family, they tend to be the reasons we keep going even in tough times. 

Many have also gone through the same journey, and we do not need to fight cancer alone. Consider the links below to find communities of like-minded individuals who may share the same struggles as you:  

• Singapore Cancer Society 

• Women’s Emotional Health Service (WEHS) 

• BCF Support Groups (for breast cancer) 

• Cancer online resource library  

  2. Look back within 

How are you feeling? What emotions can you pinpoint exists? Was it fear, anxiety, shock, anger, regret, or hopelessness?  

What about your thoughts about this journey – from diagnosis to treatment? What do your thoughts tell you about… 

• Cherished things and people 

• Personal hopes and dreams 

3. Stay engaged, moment-to-moment 

We know we bring up mindfulness often, but bear with us. When time seems limited and more precious than ever, we often want to capture and “stay” in the moments we cherish the most.  

This speaks to a part of us that wants more presence, and connection to what is going on around us. To do so, we need pause, observe and engage.  

Here’s our guide to being more mindful (general tips are at the bottom of the article). 

4. Show kindness to yourself 

Your pain and suffering is valid. Your feelings are valid. The journey is not easy, and there is little that others can do to make it easier on us.  

 Yet, how do we respond to our pain and emotions? What our pain and emotions often need is soothing. Like a mother soothing a child in pain, aim to soothe the pain and emotions within you. Here are some ways to soothe and be kind to yourself: 

• Cry it out 

• Calming music or smells  

• Visualise a place that is calming to you  

  • Sunsets, starry night sky, pet café, comforts of a bed or bath 

  • Focus on your 5 senses  

• Repeat personal mantras  

  • “I can do this” 

  • “I got this” 

  • “Take it easy” 

  • “This will pass” 

People differ in how they cope with difficult emotions and painful situations. There is no “best” method here, so find ways that you are comfortable with and personalise your recovery journey in your own way.  

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” – Aristotle 

Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs): Understanding and Thriving with Sensitivity

In today’s modern society, we recognise that being highly sensitive is not a weakness but a unique strength. If you’ve ever been told you’re "too sensitive" or find yourself overwhelmed in certain situations, you might identify as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). In this article, we’ll explore the traits, challenges, and strengths of HSPs, along with practical strategies and how therapy can help. 

If you’re looking to understand high sensitivity and how it relates to mental health, emotional well-being, and stress management, you’re in the right place.  

What Is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?

A Highly Sensitive Person is someone who experiences heightened sensitivity to physical, emotional, and social stimuli. It’s not classified as a mental disorder but a personality trait that shapes how individuals process their experiences.

This personality trait, known as Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), was first described by Dr. Elaine Aron. It is thought that around 15-20% of the population are HSPs.

Traits of Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs)

HSPs have unique qualities that distinguish them:

• Deep Emotional Processing: HSPs think and feel deeply about their life experiences.

• Heightened Empathy: They often pick up on the emotions of others with great accuracy.

• Awareness of Subtleties: HSPs notice small details in their surroundings.

• Overstimulation: They can feel overwhelmed in loud, crowded, or chaotic environments.

These traits often overlap with topics like emotional sensitivity in relationships, managing overwhelm, and mental health coping strategies. 

Strengths of Being Highly Sensitive

Sensitivity can be a powerful asset. HSPs often excel in: 

• Creative Expression: Many HSPs are highly artistic and innovative. 

• Emotional Intelligence: Their empathy helps them build meaningful relationships. 

• Attention to Detail: Their awareness of subtleties makes them exceptional problem-solvers. 

• Connection with Nature: HSPs often find peace and inspiration in natural settings. 

What Challenges do Highly Sensitive Persons Face?

Highly Sensitive Persons face unique challenges due to their heightened sensitivity to a combination of emotional, physical, and social stimuli. They often experience overstimulation in chaotic or noisy environments, emotional exhaustion from deeply processing their own and others’ feelings, and sensitivity to criticism, which can impact self-esteem. HSPs may struggle with setting boundaries, avoiding conflict, and balancing their need for rest with social obligations, leaving them prone to stress, burnout, or anxiety. They are also more likely to feel misunderstood or invalidated in a world that often prioritises resilience over sensitivity.

• Overstimulation and Burnout: Crowded spaces or busy environments can be draining.

• Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Many HSPs struggle to say no, leading to exhaustion.

• Sensitivity to Criticism: HSPs can feel deeply hurt by negative feedback.

• Stress and Anxiety: Their heightened emotional reactivity makes them more vulnerable to stress.

Misconceptions About HSPs

Sensitivity is often misunderstood, and it’s important to address some of the common misconceptions surrounding Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs). First, sensitivity does not equate to weakness; it is a natural personality trait that can be a source of great strength when understood and embraced. Additionally, not all HSPs are shy. In fact, research suggests that approximately 30% of HSPs are extroverted.

Lastly, high sensitivity is not a mental health disorder but rather a distinct personality trait that shapes how individuals process the world around them. Recognising these distinctions is essential for promoting mental health education and fostering greater self-awareness, empowering HSPs to embrace their unique characteristics.

How Highly Sensitive Persons Can Thrive

With the right strategies, HSPs can live fulfilling and enriching lives. Consider:

• Self-Care Practices: Create downtime for recharging, practice mindfulness, and design a sensory-friendly space.

• Healthy Boundaries: Learn to say no without guilt and prioritise your needs.

• Stress Reduction Techniques: Engage in calming activities like yoga, meditation, or time in nature.

• Supportive Relationships: Surround yourself with people who respect your sensitivity.

How Therapy Supports Highly Sensitive Persons

If you feel that you have traits of sensitivity that are affecting your daily life, you may want to consider seeking professional help. Psychologists can help HSPs explore their sensitivities and build resilience. Our services include:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Manage overwhelming thoughts and emotions effectively.

• Emotion Regulation Therapy: Develop tools to handle intense feelings.

• Assertiveness Training: Build confidence in setting boundaries.

• Psychoeducation: Understand your sensitivity and how to leverage it as a strength.

Supporting Highly Sensitive Children

Children can also be highly sensitive.

As parents, it is important to understand our child’s unique temperament and how to nurture them. Highly sensitive children thrive in environments that are safe, structured and predictable. Encouraging verbal and emotional expressions is another powerful way to support their development, as it allows them to communicate their needs in a meaningful and non-destructive or oppositional manner. Equally important is ensuring that we provide ample opportunity for rest and quiet time to recover from overstimulation.

These strategies form the foundation for effective parenting approaches for sensitive children and can be complemented by child therapy to enhance emotional regulation and resilience.

Celebrating Sensitivity 

At Annabelle Psychology, we believe sensitivity is a gift that enhances your ability to connect, create, and contribute meaningfully to the world. By embracing your sensitivity, you can unlock your full potential. Whether you’re navigating the challenges of high sensitivity or seeking guidance to thrive, our team is here to help. 

Self-Regulation for Different Attachment Styles

Attachment style refers to the way we form relationships and interact with others. It is believed to develop or form during childhood, mainly through the interaction between a child and the primary caregivers. It's common to hear people attributing their struggles with relationships to attachment styles developed in childhood. However, despite its influence on relationship formation in adulthood, attachment style is not a fixed trait. This means that someone who developed attachment style A in early childhood could possibly grow up to have style B in adulthood. 

Type of Attachment Styles 

Researchers in this area generally agree that they are 4 attachment styles, namely 

The descriptions below focused on explaining attachment styles in the adult context.  

Secure Attachment 

• Individuals with a secure attachment style are able to form stable and close relationships with others. They are also able to maintain a good balance between being independent and showing dependency on another person. 

Avoidant Attachment 

• Individuals with this attachment style may seem detached or uninterested in forming close relationships. They display a strong sense of independence.  

Anxious Attachment 

• In contrast to individuals with an avoidant attachment style, those with an anxious attachment style often display a strong sense of dependency in a relationship. They usually crave intimacy and might appear demanding. 

Disorganised Attachment 

• This is a combination of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles. Individuals with a disorganised attachment style often experience a conflict between the desire for intimacy and the fear of intimacy. They might appear to be unstable and unpredictable in a relationship. 

How to Self-Regulate for Each Attachment Style 

Secure Attachment 

• Individuals with a secure attachment style usually find it easy to regulate themselves, but during times of vulnerability, kindly refer to the tips suggested for other attachment styles and give them a try.  

Avoidant Attachment 

Ψ Challenging Your Thoughts 

• "I shouldn't get too close to him; he will soon leave me" might be an example of a thought that people with an avoidant attachment style usually encounter. Whenever this happens, identify the thought, acknowledge it, and then try to challenge it. Look for evidence that suggests otherwise. For example, find instances where someone actually stayed with you and supported you when you needed them. If you find it challenging to do this virtually in your mind, you can try writing them down in your journal and keep track of how accurate or inaccurate those thoughts are. 

Ψ Gradual Exposure 

• Repression of emotions is one common reaction for individuals with an avoidant attachment style. They often find it uncomfortable to open up to others. One way to manage this is by taking one small step at a time. For instance, start by sharing something that is less emotionally intense or something you are relatively more comfortable sharing. 

• Apart from the emotional intensity, who you are sharing with is important as well. Reach out to someone you are more comfortable talking to, and consider sharing with them what you are expecting (e.g., just a listening ear or looking for suggestions) from the conversation. 

Ψ Communicate Openly 

• When you feel the need to take a break and have your personal space, communicate that openly. Let others know that you need to take a breather, and you will come back and talk about it when you are feeling better.  

Anxious Attachment 

Ψ Mindfulness Practice 

• The first step in self-regulation is recognising and identifying one's anxious thoughts. Mindfulness practice could be useful in this case, as constant mindfulness practice has been found to increase one's awareness of the self, the surroundings, and the present moment. 

• There are various mindfulness techniques available, and one simple technique that we are sharing here today is the “hand exercise”.  

  • Keep your palm at a comfortable distance from your face. In the next few minutes, try observing your hand as if you were an astronaut that just landed on a new planet.  

  • Notice the outline of the hand, the creases in your skin, your fingerprints, the lines that cut across your palm. 

  • Now, flip your hand over. Notice any scars or calluses. Notice how your knuckle turns white when you make a fist.  

  • Notice any judgements or thoughts you’re having. Simply acknowledge them as you bring your attention back to what’s physically in front of you. 

Ψ Reframing Your Thoughts 

• This is similar to challenging thoughts mentioned above, with one additional element, which is to “reframe” your thinking. For instance, when you notice the thought, “She’s not replying to my message; she must hate me”, how can it be reframed? 

  • “She’s not replying to my message; she might be in the middle of a meeting”. 

  • “She’s not replying to my message; she might be driving”. 

  • “She’s not replying to my message; she might be resting and taking a break from her phone”.  

  • “She’s not replying to my message; it’s okay, she will reply when she wants to”.  

    These are some possible alternatives, and you can always come up with your own ones. The idea is to redirect or reframe our negative automatic thoughts, telling our minds that we don't know for sure that what's in our minds is absolutely right; we would like to consider other possible alternatives as well. 

Disorganised Attachment 

Individuals with a disorganised attachment style experience both avoidant and anxious thoughts. Practising a combination of different mentioned above could be helpful.  

Understanding your attachment style is the first step towards building healthier relationships and improving your emotional well-being. While these patterns may have been shaped during childhood, they are not set in stone. With self-awareness and consistent effort, we can shift towards a more secure attachment style and develop stronger, more fulfilling connections with others. 

How to Deal with Procrastination

“Do I really have to start this task now – maybe in ten minutes...or tomorrow?”

(Fast forward a week later and an hour to the deadline, you realised you barely started on the task – screams panic!) 

Procrastination is a common behaviour that many of us are guilty of (this author included) - you are not alone! While occasional procrastination may appear harmless, it could be debilitating for those who are trapped in this complex and self-defeating cycle. Seeking short-term relief from avoiding the task in exchange for longer term negative consequences such as poorer work performance and relationships can also impact our stress levels and self-efficacy.  

Identify Underlying Causes  

To begin with, it is important to understand why procrastination happens for the person involved. People procrastinate for various reasons. Some individuals hold high standards of their work and fear perceived failure, including not being able to achieve that level of perfection. Others may lack motivation to start a task or may have difficulty sitting with uncomfortable feelings such as boredom or work anxiety. Identifying the underlying causes or possible triggers of your procrastination could help in developing practical and effective strategies to overcome this.  

Strategies to Manage Procrastination  

1. Setting Realistic Expectations  

How do you know when your expectations need to be adjusted? This might be the case if an objectively realistic/ reasonable task feels too challenging and you are demotivated from starting. Seeking feedback or consulting with supportive peers/ mentors might help us gain new insights and renewed motivation to complete our task within the given timeframe.   

2. Breaking Tasks Down  

Complex tasks/ projects can feel overwhelming, and it is often easier to push them to the bottom of the to-do list. However, putting them off can lead to heightened stress due to looming deadlines. One simple strategy could be:   

• Breaking down the task into smaller, achievable steps. For instance, instead of attempting to write a 1000-word essay in a single day, break it down into writing 200 words per day.  

• Reward yourself with a treat such as cup of coffee from your favourite café or a massage when small/ mundane tasks as well as milestone goals are achieved.

 3. Scheduling  

In addition to the above, these scheduling tips can help us be more intentional in setting aside time to complete important tasks:   

• Create a task list with timelines and prioritise them based on their importance and urgency. You could review this at the start and end of your workday too.  

• Time yourself (if necessary) to gauge how much time you actually take to complete tasks. 

• Allocate specific time-slots in your schedule for specific tasks, and ensure sufficient time (with some buffer) is given.

• Attempt the Pomodoro (or other) time management techniques: Work in focused time-intervals (e.g. 25 minutes) and take short breaks in between. Ensure that your work plans are achievable within the timeframe set to avoid discouragement.

4. Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts  

In some cases, people procrastinate due to fears of criticism or perceived failure. These thoughts may become 'unhelpful thoughts' if it becomes exaggerated, entrenched and hinders our progress on tasks. To address this, try re-evaluating these thoughts by seeking evidence for/against them or reframing them with more self-compassion. For example, you could ask yourself: “What feedback have I received regarding the quality of my work?”  or “Are the requirements for this task as high as I perceive?”. 

Having alternative and balanced thought patterns may not be easy. Do consider seeking support from trusted family members, mates or professionals if you find it difficult to challenge these thoughts on your own.   

5. Minimise Distractions  

Keeping your workspace clean and free from possible distractions can be beneficial. Choose a quiet and conducive environment especially when doing focused work, and remove likely interruptions or noise distractions, such as being with others who like to chat. Additionally, it might help to turn off email/ phone alerts including social media applications. Understanding your own pitfalls and preferences is important in creating an environment that is conducive for you.   

Breaking the cycle of procrastination is not easy, especially if it is an entrenched “habit”, but you will gradually get better with consistency (and doing what works best for you).   

Trauma Bonding

“Guys, can we just trauma bond for sec? You know when your shift is about to end and suddenly you get an order of 20 drinks...” 

Ever heard this on Tiktok? Actually, the term “trauma bond” has been misused in this context. It doesn’t mean bonding over the same negative experiences. Rather, it's an unhealthy connection in abusive relationships – where the victim is overly attached to and dependent on the abuser. 

Signs We’re in a Trauma Bond 

1. We deny all the red flags. 

We refuse to acknowledge the bad parts of the relationship. Maybe we choose to leave it out of conversations with our loved ones.  

2. We defend and justify our abuser’s actions. 

“She didn’t hit me that hard.” We tell our friends that it wasn’t a big deal.  

“I shouldn’t have looked in their direction, it’s my fault.” We explain that we deserve the abuse.  

Physical and emotional abuse are never okay! You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You are worthy of respect and safety.  

3. We find it hard to leave the relationship.  

Separation from our abuser means losing the emotional connection we depended on them for.  

4. We cut off the people who try to help. 

We’re clouded by our abusers’ opinion and block out others who disagree. 

7 Stages of Trauma Bonding 

1. Love-bombing 

The abuser convinces us that they have good intentions and want the best for us. They can provide us with anything we need. 

2. Developing Trust and Dependency 

At some point, our abuser leads us to question their intentions. But they turn it back at us, talking about all they had done for us in the love-bombing stage – are we not grateful?  

3. Criticism 

Just when they’ve gained our trust, they start to point out “problematic” traits we have, or things we’ve done that they’re not happy about. We feel guilty and apologise – because we think we’re wrong, and they’re right.  

4. Manipulation and Gaslighting 

“You definitely said this yesterday, how could you be changing your mind?” Our abusers cause us to doubt our reality, and we question whether we’re going insane.  

5. Resignation and Giving Up 

Feeling unworthy, we give in to the abuse. We deserve it anyway. 

6. Loss of Self 

We no longer have our own identity – everything we do or say is tied to our abuser. We lose our social connections because we are no longer who we were. 

7. Obsession 

In a period of calm, our abuser apologises. We forgive them and feel all positive again. Love-bombing restarts and the vicious cycle continues.  

What to do to break the bond 

• Recognise the trauma bond 

Acknowledging the unhealthy relationship is the first step to healing. We need to recognise the abuse that we were put through. 

• Leave the relationship (safely) 

We can start by distancing ourselves from the abuser. Be assertive and set boundaries. If having a conversation is dangerous, we need to create a safety plan to keep ourselves safe. Work this out with a trusted friend and talk to a therapist about it.  

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) 

In CBT, we’re guided to challenge beliefs told to us by the abuser. In the process, we also learn to better manage difficult emotions or situations.  

Help is available:

• National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline: 1800-777-0000 

• Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 

Why Someone Rubs You the Wrong Way

If you are reading this, you have likely encountered someone who rubs you the wrong way. This person could be a colleague, a friend, a neighbour, or even a family member. There is always something about them, whether it's the way they speak, behave, or simply their mere presence, that makes you feel irritable.

But why is this the case? 

Different Values 

Values drive our actions, perceptions, and essentially every aspect of our lives. When two people with different values, or even opposing values, come together, clashes and conflicts can become inevitable. We must invest extra effort in regulating our emotions and managing our expectations in such situations. However, as time passes, it may become increasingly challenging to tolerate these differences. For example, consider someone who highly values punctuality meeting with someone who has a more relaxed approach to time. Being late once might be tolerable, but a consistent pattern of lateness can gradually wear down the person who values punctuality, making them increasingly irritable over time. 

Different Personality 

Apart from values, personality is another factor that might play a role here. Introverts and extroverts are probably two of the most common personalities known. Introverts are those who prefer solitary and low-stimulation environments, while extroverts are those who prefer social interaction and enjoy external stimuli. When people with these two different personalities meet, clashes could potentially happen. On one hand, introverts may feel overwhelmed by extroverts' social demands, and on the other hand, extroverts may feel that introverts are aloof or uninterested. 

Past Experiences 

Our life experiences shape our perceptions. If we've had a bad experience with an insurance agent, it's possible that when we encounter another insurance agent in the future, we might already have a negative impression of them before knowing much about them. When we meet someone who shares similar characteristics with those whom we had unpleasant experiences with in the past, they can easily rub us the wrong way even without doing anything. 

Conflicting Goals 

One simple example to illustrate this is by looking at football fans. I believe most of us have come across news where rival football fans were fighting or involved in violent clashes. Two different groups of individuals with different goals. When this occurs, or in cases where someone obstructs us from achieving our goals, it is natural for us to view them as enemies. 

There are various reasons that could contribute to why someone rubs us the wrong way, but there is probably one simple antidote to it, which is by being mindful. Being mindful of how our behaviours or perceptions are affected by our values, personalities, experiences, and goals allows us to be aware of our thinking and behaviour and gain better control of our actions.  

5 hygiene hacks when a shower is just too much

I haven’t showered in days. I know I need to but I can’t get up.  

Showering can feel like a daunting task. Mentally, we’re drained, so it’s not a priority. But we need to clean ourselves for the sake of our physical health. Not only is showering a part of basic hygiene, but it can also improve our self-esteem and even help us relax. The next time a shower is too much for you, try any of these 5 hacks. 

1. Take a seat 

We don’t have to be standing in the shower! Try using a stool or shower seat. Make sure everything – soaps and showerhead - is within arm’s reach. 

2. Set the mood 

Taking a shower may not be something we look forward to. Try pairing it with something fun, like watching your favourite drama. Lying in bed with your phone? Turn on your shower playlist first, and sing along while you soap up.  

3. Take baby steps  

Undressing can feel like the biggest first step of the shower. If you’re not ready, keep your clothes on. Start by washing your face, or washing your hair over the sink. Smaller steps are still steps in the right direction! 

4. Take the shortcut sometimes 

When getting into the shower is too impossible, go for alternatives. Opt for dry shampoo and wet wipes, and use a leave-in conditioner. 

5. Set a goal 

Set a goal for the week. Whether it is taking one full shower or just washing your hair, make it a point to work towards that goal. Reward yourself with a treat after you have accomplished it. You can even get a friend to keep you accountable. 

Taking a shower is a form of self-care. Let’s remember to celebrate the little steps we took – whether it was washing our faces, turning on the shower head, or taking a whole shower! 

Not Knowing how to Live vs Wanting to Die

Why are we here and where do we go after? Thinking about life and death is human.   

At some point, we might feel lost – we don’t know how to live. How is this different from wanting to end our lives?  

Not knowing how to live 

I don’t know what to do with my life. 

Many of us have these thoughts when we face a turning point. We could be going through change and making decisions – like leaving school, starting a new career or losing a family member.  

We feel uncertain as life presents us with a blank slate. With no clear purpose, we are confused. This turns into what is commonly dubbed as an “existential crisis”. This period can feel highly distressing, as we continue to have unanswered questions. 

What can we do when we don’t know how to live? 

• Explore our passions and continue our hobbies 

• Expand our horizons: Read widely and talk to people 

• Know and acknowledge our strengths 

• Accept that this is a period of uncertainty 

Wanting to die 

While we could consider feeling lost to be a normal part of life, it could turn dangerous. Without the plan and intention of ending our lives, the desire to die or no longer exist are considered passive suicide ideation. This signals that we have overwhelming emotions and pain, and we’re in desperate need of relief. 

Passive suicide ideation is a warning sign. Likely, there are underlying issues that we need to address. These challenges don’t just fade away over time. In fact, they can lead to active plans for death. As such, it is best that we pay attention to our thoughts, and get the help that we need. 

What can we do when we want to die? 

• Call the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 

• Talk to someone 

• Consider therapy 

• Make a safety plan: Decide and write down what we will do to keep ourselves safe when we want to die. 

Our existential crises may not be entirely bad – it hints at us to reassess what we’re going through. Perhaps some redirection and exploration can help us find meaning in our lives. But our alarm bells should ring when we find ourselves thinking of dying to relieve our pain. In this case, we can reach out to the available support around us – whether it’s talking to friends, family or professionals.