Rising Cost of Living in Singapore: An Impact on Mental Health

In recent years, Singapore has experienced a significant rise in the cost of living, creating a multitude of challenges for its residents. As the city-state continues to develop and expand, the financial burden on individuals and families has intensified, leading to notable mental health repercussions. This blog post explores the intersection of the rising cost of living and mental health problems in Singapore, highlighting the need for a comprehensive approach to address this pressing issue.

Singapore’s Economic Landscape

Singapore is renowned for our rapid economic growth and high standard of living. However, while this success creates prosperity, it also creates other challenges that accompany success. For example, the prices of essential goods and services, including housing, healthcare, and education, have increased, making it increasingly difficult for many Singaporeans to maintain their standard of living. The cost of post-pandemic private housing has surged, with a corresponding increase in rental prices. Additionally, healthcare costs have risen, and education expenses continue to climb, adding to the financial strain on families.

The Psychological Toll

 The financial pressures associated with the rising cost of living have led to a significant increase in stress, anxiety, and depression among Singaporeans. The constant worry about meeting daily expenses, paying off rent or mortgages in the most expensive city to live in in the world, or paying for a university education can be overwhelming. These financial concerns can contribute to chronic stress, which, in turn, exacerbates mental health issues.

1. Stress and Anxiety: The fear of not being able to make ends meet can lead to chronic stress. Many individuals find themselves working longer hours or taking on multiple full-time jobs to cope with financial demands. This relentless pursuit to achieve what is deemed by many to be financial stability in Singapore can result in burnout and severe anxiety.

2. Depression: Financial instability and the inability to provide for one's family can lead to feelings of hopelessness and depression. The stigma associated with financial struggles may prevent individuals from seeking help, further deepening their mental health issues

3. Social Isolation both in individual and family settings: The high cost of living can limit social activities and recreational opportunities, leading to social isolation. This might surprise man -: but when people cut back on social interactions to save money, they may lose valuable support systems, which are crucial for mental well-being. This may be especially true in families where both parents juggle working full-time jobs and parenting duties. Unlike in Western societies, parents here in such situations often maintain very few social engagements either to save on discretionary spending or to look after their children.

Vulnerable Populations

 Certain groups are more vulnerable to the mental health impacts of the rising cost of living:

• Low-Income Individuals or Families: Those with fewer financial resources find it harder to buffer against rising costs. The struggle to afford basic necessities often leads to heightened stress and anxiety.

• Elderly Residents: Older adults on fixed incomes may find it challenging to keep up with rising expenses. Social isolation and financial dependency can significantly affect their mental health.

• Young Adults: Young professionals and families who are have not achieved financial stability may find it difficult to achieve financial independence within a short span of time. Given the rising costs of raising children in today’s world, the pressure to secure housing and provide for future children can lead to significant stress.

Addressing the Issue

To mitigate the mental health impacts of the rising cost of living, a multi-faceted approach is required:

Government Initiatives:

The Singapore government has introduced several measures to help alleviate financial pressures. For instance, the Enhanced CPF Housing Grant (EHGH) provides up to SGD 80,000 to first-time buyers of new or resale flats. Additionally, the Workfare Income Supplement Scheme (WIS) offers financial assistance to low-wage workers.

Healthcare subsidies, such as the CHAS (Community Health Assist Scheme), help reduce out-of-pocket medical expenses for lower- to middle-income Singaporeans. The CHAS Green scheme was also introduced in Nov 2019 to allow all chronic patients, regardless of income, to enjoy CHAS subsidies for mental illnesses under the Chronic Disease Management Programme (CDMP) (namely major depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia) at CHAS GPs clinics. Currently, patients can also withdraw up to $500 per year from their MediSave for the outpatient management of conditions under the CDMP.

Mental Health Support

Increasing access to mental health services is crucial. This means, in part, making mental healthcare affordable. The Ministry of Health has expanded the National Care Hotline to provide psychological support and counselling.

Non-governmental organizations such as Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) provide crisis support and suicide prevention services, ensuring that those in distress have someone to turn to.

Leading a Values-based Life

But I’ve saved the best for last. I want to share a little about what a value-based life is, and what it means for us as unique individuals.

When individuals align our lives with our core values, we often find greater purpose and meaning, which acts as a psychological anchor, helping us navigate financial challenges more effectively. This alignment builds inner strength and resilience, enabling better coping mechanisms against stress and anxiety caused by financial pressures.

For example, emphasising values like community and relationships leads to stronger support networks, providing both emotional and practical support during tough times. These networks reduce feelings of isolation and stress, and promote mutual aid practices where communities share resources, lessening individual financial burdens.

Values-based living also encourages reduced materialism and simplified living. By focusing on contentment and gratitude, individuals find satisfaction with less, lowering the psychological impact of financial constraints. This shift towards mindful spending based on core values helps individuals feel more in control of their finances, reducing stress.

Furthermore, values like self-compassion and acceptance improve emotional well-being. Being kinder to oneself during financial hardships and accepting the situation without undue stress allows individuals to focus on proactive measures rather than ruminating on financial woes.

Lastly, living according to long-term goals aligned with personal values helps maintain focus on broader life objectives, rather than being overwhelmed by immediate financial challenges. This alignment creates a sustainable and fulfilling approach to managing money, reducing financial stress and anxiety over time.

Solving the Impact of Rising Costs on Mental Health

The rising cost of living in Singapore is an undeniable reality that significantly impacts mental health. As financial pressures mount, so do the levels of stress, anxiety, and depression among residents. Addressing this issue requires a collaborative effort from the government, healthcare providers, and the community. By implementing supportive policies and promoting mental health awareness, Singapore can help its residents navigate these challenges and foster a healthier, more resilient society.

More importantly however, the solution does not only lie from external sources, but more importantly, must come from within ourselves. Living a values-based life offers a robust framework for reducing the mental health impacts of rising costs. By focusing on what truly matters, building strong support networks, and cultivating resilience, individuals can navigate financial challenges more effectively and maintain their mental well-being. Emphasising values over materialism and practicing mindful spending and being are practical steps that can make a significant difference in one's financial and emotional health.

Prosperity does not have to come at the expense of health or mental health.

Singapore can work towards a future where all have the opportunity to thrive economically and emotionally.

We're Mental Health Workers but our Mental Health Matters Too

Rising abuse towards mental healthcare workers

Working in healthcare has never been an easy calling. With the added demands brought about by the pandemic, healthcare worker abuse has been dominating the headlines in recent times, in both public (https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/politics/more-healthcare-workers-in-public-institutions-getting-abused-or-harassed) and private settings (https://www.todayonline.com/singapore/clinic-assistants-abuse-patients-gps-be-better-protected-1878696).

 In April 2022, a video (https://www.todayonline.com/singapore/police-probe-clinic-staff-kicked-pram-woman-flung-brochures-1878606) of a clinic assistant shouting and damaging the property of a customer surfaced and made its way around social media. It was later reported that the clinic assistant had suffered physical and verbal abuse from the patient prior to her outburst. 

As a mental health clinic, we empathise with the distress that our patients face. Many of the issues that might bring a person into a mental health setting are immense and debilitating. 

But abuse of healthcare workers, including mental healthcare workers, is also a concerning issue and has been on the rise in recent years. 

The Different Types of Healthcare Worker Abuse

Though we often think of physical abuse as the only form of abuse, abuse presents itself in many guises. The most common form of physical abuse is when a patient makes physical contact with a healthcare worker or throws objects at them. These actions are often unprovoked and can result in serious injury and embarrassment to the healthcare worker.  

More commonly in a mental health setting, healthcare workers experience verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can occur either as outright verbal abuse or what is sometimes known as 'borderline' abuse. Outright verbal abuse happens when a patient berates healthcare workers by shouting, hurling expletives, or making discriminatory or racist remarks. 

Borderline abuse is often less obvious but equally insidious. Such abuse often arises from backhanded or snide comments to healthcare workers, insulting their abilities and qualifications, or being disrespectful. While borderline abuse in isolated incidents might not seem to be as damaging or severe as outright verbal abuse, such abuse can have long-lasting on healthcare workers if sustained over a period of time. 

Mental Health Impact of Abuse on Healthcare Workers

We often forget that healthcare workers are human too.  

We experience and go through the same emotions that you feel. When a mental healthcare worker is constantly dehumanised or verbally assaulted by patients, it takes a toll on our mental health. 

In 2021, the Ministry of Health reported 1,400 cases of healthcare worker abuse, a 16% increase when compared to 2019, prior to the Covid-19 pandemic. In the same span of time, healthcare workers seeking counselling services have increased by 169%. Separately, it was also reported that the safety and well-being of front-line healthcare workers in private clinics are often overlooked as compared to those working in the public healthcare setting. 

Prolonged abuse and lack of appreciation can be traumatic for healthcare workers, resulting in mood and emotional difficulties. Healthcare workers suffering from constant abuse from patients are left feeling unmotivated to carry on with work or plagued with feelings of dread, increasing the possibility of occupational burnout as well. More importantly, such difficulties affect the ability of healthcare workers to provide their best at providing healthcare services to patients and reduce the quality of care received by patients. 

The frequent toll of abuse ultimately results in resignations or leaving the healthcare industry altogether. This phenomenon can have a lasting impact on the healthcare industry, such as longer waiting times due to a lack of manpower, overworked healthcare workers that can compromise on providing a quality healthcare service, and rapidly rising healthcare costs. In the long run, abusive patients ultimately result in lower healthcare quality.

Why do patients abuse healthcare workers?

There are several reasons why patients might unknowingly abuse healthcare workers.  

Some patients might act out due to mental health conditions or because they are not used to seeking medical help. Others might be angry about their condition or the lack of progress made, and some might have faced abuse in similar settings and are projecting their anger onto healthcare workers. 

When someone you care about is suffering from a mental health condition, it's difficult not to be worried. The unknown and a lack of understanding about a medical or mental health condition and its prognosis can be frightening. This overwhelming fear coupled with limited healthcare resources might lead to patients and their caregivers believing that a healthcare worker has uncaring attitudes toward their needs. While this perceived neglect varies by patient and caregiver, they may feel justified in expressing their anger if they feel their medical or psychological healthcare needs are neglected. 

Whatever the reason, it is important to remember that healthcare workers are not responsible for the patient's condition, and abuse towards them will not result in a better outcome for the patient.

Help us help you

At times, it might feel as if the staff is deliberately resisting a patient’s wishes, especially when a patient request is not in line with legal regulations or an internal policy.  

We ask that patients understand that mental healthcare workers have a duty of care to all patients and must follow certain ethical and legal guidelines in order to ensure quality care for all. These guidelines are in place to protect patients, staff, and the healthcare organisation from potential harm. 

Sometimes, what a patient perceives as mistreatment might be adherence to guidelines. For example, a therapy modality might not be clinically indicated or advisable or a patient might want to see a specific healthcare worker when it is not possible due to scheduling conflict.  

Other examples might include:

1. not being able to perform a requested therapy modality, assessment or test.

2. not being able to support a diagnosis or management plan where it is clinically inappropriate.

3. seeking a parent or guardian's consent in respect of a minor before providing non-emergency services.

4. in a private healthcare setting, enforcing a last-minute no-show or cancellation policy to ensure that patients have fair access to limited healthcare services.

5. an obligation to verify that a patient has consented to receive a healthcare service.

How can we work together without abuse?

Healthcare workers usually choose to work in this demanding industry because of our passion for helping those in need. It is important to remember that healthcare workers and patients work on the same team; both share a common goal of providing every patient with the help and support they need.  

If you are feeling frustrated, try to communicate your feelings in a calm and respectful manner. We want to help you, but we can only do so if we can understand what you need. If you remain unhappy with a response made by staff, we recommend that you speak to a manager or supervisor about your concerns rather than expressing their frustrations to the healthcare worker in question.  

We take each and every complaint seriously. When a complaint is received, our management conducts a thorough investigation into the circumstances of the complaint. If a complaint is valid, we will take the appropriate disciplinary action against our member of staff. Disciplinary outcomes for staff include counselling, supervision by managers and/or clinical supervisors, compulsory refresher or training courses, issuance of verbal and written warnings, being placed on administrative leave, or in appropriate circumstances, being asked to leave the organisation. 

At the same time, we have an obligation to ensure that our colleagues feel safe in their work environment. We do not tolerate any form of abuse towards our staff whether physical or verbal. We will refuse service to anyone who engages in abusive behavior. 

We're Mental Health Workers but our Mental Health Matters too.

Cutting Ties with Your Parents

Should I Divorce My Parents?

Toxic Parents and Abusive Relationships

The image of a happy and cohesive family is one concept that is often drilled into our heads. As is the idea of filial piety and respect for our elders. However, for some, it can be a bit more complicated. Things just don’t seem to work no matter how hard they try.

This is the reality for some families with toxic parents and abusive relationships, even if the child is generally decent. While such parents might do various things, they share one common theme—they do harmful things, or do things that they know will hurt their child(ren), all in the name of “love”. Such things may include gaslighting, enabling abuse in the family, or blaming the child(ren) for said abuse.

Being subject to toxic parenting is detrimental to children’s mental well-being with lasting profound effects. When they enter therapy as adults, these people tend to report issues with self-esteem, difficulties with interpersonal relationships and parenting.

Despite repeated attempts to “fix” the relationship, many adult children find that some things just don’t change. The decision to divorce their parents, or to sever ties, thus becomes very real.

If you’ve been harboring genuine thoughts about doing so, here are a few things to consider:

Exploring Options:

Helpful questions:
Ψ Can I maintain my relationship with my parents while improving my well-being/ mental health?
Ψ Do my parents show any sign of genuine remorse, or interest, in rebuilding our relationship?

This is an important decision that requires thought and reflection. Taking the time to thoroughly consider will help you feel more assured when you’ve made your decision. It can also help save you lots of possible future stress, guilt or regret. At the same time, don’t forget to consider the importance of your own mental health and well-being! 

Being Firm:

It is natural to experience unpleasant emotions, such as anger, sadness or guilt, during this process. At the same time, people around you may not understand your decision, which can add to the stress and difficulty. After all, this is something that goes against societal norms and is rarely discussed.

It’s important to remain objective and not let these emotions cloud your judgement. Find ways to process these emotions, such as journaling or talking to someone you trust. If you’re currently seeing a therapist, bring this up during sessions. The key is to ensure that your decision was a well-thought one and not simply created out of spite or malice. 

If you’re cutting your ties with your parents face to face, know that it’s okay if they don’t understand your decision. In fact, if they’re not remorseful, it is possible that they might attempt to thwart your plan. Don’t fall for it! Be clear with your intentions and actions and walk away if need be. At this point, it’s okay if they don’t understand. You are no longer obligated to make them do so. 

Letting Go of Guilt:

All of us want normal, healthy relationships. Remind yourself that you have the right to healthy relationships in your life. Understand that you’re not wrong to want this. If your parents remain abusive with little sign of changing, you have the right to walk away.

Nevertheless, it will be a challenge. After all, our parents are ones who raised and provided for us when we were growing up, at least to some extent. It is possible to be grateful for this, and also be cognizant of the abuse they were responsible for. Moreover, the fact that they have the responsibility to raise and provide for you healthily makes it difficult to excuse themselves of what they did. Know that you’re not in any way at fault for the abuse that occurred. 

Moving on

Cutting parents out of your life is a painful decision to make, no matter how awful they might have been. Here are some strategies to help you cope with the pain:

Ψ Make self-care a habit or maintain it. 

This will come in handy when you find yourself questioning your decision. It is normal to feel sad or guilty over your decision. In fact, it is expected. We are wired to form an attachment to our caregivers early in life, and the fact that this isn’t happening to us might make it difficult for us to accept.

Know that dealing with a toxic parent is an emotionally draining and taxing experience. Check in on yourself from time to time. You may consider doing so through journaling, mindfulness exercises or meditation. They serve as mental and emotional inventories and can be effective in tracking your progress on this matter.

Continue to engage in hobbies that you’ve always enjoyed. Therapy and counselling could also be viable options to help you process your emotions and move on from this. Ultimately, the goal is to reduce the effect their parenting has on our lives, be it emotionally or mentally. 

Ψ As long as you trust yourself and your decision, it’s good enough. 

People may be quick to judge you as ungrateful, narcissistic or selfish when they hear about this. More often than not, they do this out of ignorance—they do not fully understand what you’ve been through, your family dynamics and how difficult it was for you to make this decision.

Regardless, tell yourself that it’s good enough if you experience the benefits. We have the right to set boundaries we deem fit. You don’t deserve the abuse or maltreatment from your parents and you’re not at fault. As long as you feel your mental well-being has benefitted from cutting them out, who cares about what others say about it? 

Ψ Find emotional support, be it face-to-face, online or in the form of books. 

Trusting our decisions is easy advice to give, but the process of reaching there is not as simple as it sounds. However, it can be made easier with the right support—the key is to realize that you’re not alone in this. Many others have been through similar processes before.

Attend group therapy sessions, join a support group, or read books about others with similar experiences as you did. Such activities can be rather validating and cathartic. They can also help you learn about the common behaviors from toxic parents. 

There are many things that come into consideration when it comes to severing ties with parents. It is a serious decision to make and can be emotionally draining at times. However, remember to put your mental health and well-being as priority and know that you’re not at fault for whatever that happened to you! It takes courage to make this decision.

If you know of someone who is struggling to make this decision, offer them a listening ear. Understand that it is not an easy one to make. Respect their decision even if you may not completely agree with it. It could very well be a last resort to them. 

Women and Mental Health

Among the UN nations, only 11 nations had a female head of state while 12 nations had a female head of government (we suspect most of these nations are headed by - deep breath - Her Majesty The Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of her other realms and territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith; by contrast, the head of government in a commonwealth country will usually be the Prime Minister - to continue the analogy, this would be The Right Honourable Boris Johnson MP, Prime Minister).

In Parliament (including the Singapore Parliament), women parliamentarians constitute approximately 20% of the parliament. Within the workforce, women account for less than a quarter of senior roles globally and the gender pay gap persists around the world.

There’s no denying it. Gender bias permeates through every aspect of our lives: at home and at the work place. Even in medical settings, especially when clinical judgment is involved.

For example, depression is one of the most common mental illnesses in the world, but it is almost twice as common in women than men. Women are also the single largest group of people affected by Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Reasons for this gender disparity may include gender-based risk factors, such as domestic violence, socio-economic disadvantages, income disparities or inequalities, differences in social standing or empathy for others, all disproportionately affect women. Of course, other factors such as how symptoms are differently perceived and diagnosed in women and men also come into play.

Can we reduce the risk of developing mental illness in women?

Yes! Research shows that there are 3 main factors that are highly protective against the development of mental disorders (in men or women) arising from severe or traumatic events:

Ψ Having sufficient autonomy to exercise control over your actions after the event
Ψ Resources to allow the making of informed choices
Ψ Support from family, friends, and psychological support from mental health professionals

More is needed to reduce the risk of women developing mental illnesses such as depression. Changes are needed as a society to ensure that women have autonomy and equal access to resources and essential services; basically, we must improve the protective factors against the development of mental illnesses in women.

As persons – employers, co-workers, friends, or family members – we must all do our part to address personal biases, acknowledge and respect “the other half” of humanity.

Dealing with Shame

On a scale of 1-10, how true do the following 3 statements feel?

1. ‘I am a mistake’

2. ‘I am defective’

3. ‘I am unworthy of being loved’

Any score above 8 starts to indicate the problem of shame. Though to be fair, people who are disproportionately ashamed of who they are would have probably wanted to award themselves a thousand more.

“Shame is a way of life here. It’s stocked in the vending machines, stuck like gum under the desks, spoken in the morning devotionals. She knows now that there’s a bit of it in her.”

- Casey McQuiston

What is Shame?

In shame, the focus of attention is on the “bad” self. Shame is a family of unpleasant self-conscious emotions that include embarrassment, guilt and humiliation, which makes us feel awful about ourselves.

Imagine tripping down the stairs and falling face-first onto the ground in a shopping center. Why was your initial thought ‘Did anyone see that?’ instead of tending to your agonizing physical pain first?

Shame is always present in our lives. We are motivated to maintain and achieve a positive sense of ourselves.

The issue with shame comes with a tendency to hide these negative emotions. Who likes to openly humiliate themselves? This makes it hard to recognize shame when it happens. For example, adolescents may superficially laugh off a poor exam result together while privately experiencing tremendous feelings of anxiety about failure.

As we avoid talking about our feelings of shame, we continue to have a lack of understanding about it.

Comparing the Cycles of Shame: Healthy vs Unhealthy

Let us work together to understand the diagram of a typical circumstance for a healthy shame cycle (see diagram on the left). Imagine being called out or reprimanded in a group chat by your manager for a serious error you made at work. You start to feel psychologically stressed as your heart begins to beat faster, your palms sweat, and your cheeks flush with embarrassment. You feel ashamed of your mistakes as you worry about being judged poorly by your coworkers. To alleviate these unpleasant emotions of shame, you are driven to strive more in the future to avoid repeating the same mistake.

Unfortunately, this is not the case for those who struggle with shame (see diagram on the right). Replaying the same event above, instead of trying harder to lessen the feelings of shame, you find yourself in an unhealthy spiral. By having excessive self-critical thoughts, or even indulging in self-destructive behaviours, you inadvertently feed these shameful emotions. You begin to mistakenly ascribe your mistake to a dispositional problem that only arises due to your lack of skill, causing you to get stressed once again.

It is essential to deal with the unhealthy shame cycle as excessive feelings of shame can lead to serious mental health problems. Some of the negative consequences of toxic shame include:

• Fear of letting people in

• Excessively pushing people away

• Feelings of embarrassment and/or humiliation

• Low self-esteem

• Lack of empathy for others

• Cynical thoughts about the future (e.g., believing that bad things happen to bad people)

• Obsessive rumination on self-critical thoughts (e.g., ‘I am unworthy of being loved’)

• Self-destructive/Addictive behaviours (e.g., substance use, self-harm and suicide)

Overcoming Shame

One way to overcome the problem of shame is from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach. ACT is a psychological intervention that involves accepting and embracing life events as they are without seeking to change them. It also involves committing to making meaningful steps to improve and enhance your life.

Before we dive deeper into ACT, we need to first understand how an unhealthy shame cycle forms and takes root.

As you get older, you start to develop a better understanding of how your actions affect others through learning from your mistakes. Parents hold an important responsibility to remind you that mistakes are normal. We can use the lessons we have learned from our failures to make better decisions in the future.

However, instead of guiding children through their mistakes, parents may unintentionally send unhelpful messages to the child. They may do so by expressing criticism and/or disappointment directed at the child rather than their conduct:

“Can you stop being the laziest child in the house and do some chores?”
“You just had to be the only student in class to fail that test.”
“Stop embarrassing me and behave yourself.”

This may give the child the false idea that he or she is undeserving of affection, which can lead to shame. Unhealthy shame thus prevents a more positive perspective of oneself, making it difficult for the child to develop a healthy sense of self-worth.

Let’s now look at how the ACT’s 6 key processes can help you overcome shame:

(1)  Acceptance

When we are overwhelmed with unwanted feelings of shame, it is instinctive for us to try to avoid and suppress them. Acceptance, on the other hand, is acknowledging and embracing the portion of yourself that feels “not good enough”, “unlovable” and/or “rejected”. 

Do not get us wrong, acceptance does not mean that you are inviting or seeking feelings of shame. After all, who likes to dwell in their misery? Acceptance simply makes room to experience the agony of shameful emotions.

Soon, you will quickly notice that you are less disturbed by these feelings of shame if you do not attempt to escape from them. Isn’t it funny? The more you want to embrace and accept your shame, the less salient they become.

(2)  Cognitive Defusion

“I am unlovable at home.” “I am not good enough at my workplace.”

These are some common self-criticizing thoughts from someone struggling with shame. Cognitive defusion involves establishing a psychological distance from these self-defeating beliefs, understanding that they are just one of many non-threatening perspectives.

To do so, start by asking yourself this question: Who will have control over your life – you or your mind? Choosing a different relationship with your problematic thoughts allows you to take a step back and not be consumed by them.

For instance, you can recognize a mistake you made at work as it is without attributing them as part of your personality.

(3)  Being Present

Take a trip back home from work or school with me. What do you usually do on the train/bus/walk back home? Are you consumed by social media on your phone? Or maybe you are planning ahead of time on how you are going to rest at home? Notice how none of these options include spending intentional time in the present.

Being in contact with the present moment is also known as “being in the now”. It involves focusing on what is happening to you, and/or in your environment at the present moment rather than on what has happened in the past or what may happen in the future.

When you are faced with feelings of shame, fully embrace them first! Then, acknowledge that past events are irreversible. Although you could have responded better, understand that you cannot change the past. Making mistakes is what makes us human!

When you start to focus more on the present, you spend less time evaluating and criticizing yourself and others.

(4)  The Observing Self

If we are being honest, we sometimes feel ashamed of ourselves in certain situations because we project our worries or past experiences onto the current situation. However, we fail to see that most of these assumptions are irrational and therefore our interpretation of such occurrences is often incorrect.

Hence, the next phase is observing and knowing yourself as part of a context. Think of this phase as objectively looking at your situation from an observer’s point of view. Refrain from allowing your thoughts and feelings to cloud your judgment on the situation.

This is realizing that your thoughts and feelings are a result of the situation, not of your personality. You can experience feelings of shame but you are NOT defined by them!

(5)  Values – What matters to you? 

Whether you recognize them or not, everyone has values. Values are qualities that you believe are the most important. They determine your priorities, guide your personal growth and help you make decisions about how you want to live your life.

The issue with our values is that we are not constantly in touch with them. When life gets in the way, we might lose track of them and become unsure of what they are. This causes our values to become more vulnerable and susceptible to change.

What used to be unimportant to you such as fear of judgment or embarrassment could have unconsciously become your most important value over time.

Hence, we encourage you to take some time to consider:

1)    What are the things that are most important to you?

2)    How would you like to be remembered?

3)    What are the things you strongly object to?

Our values need to be sorted out first before we can come up with a plan to challenge your feelings of shame.

(6)  Taking Committed Actions

Now that you have learned to embrace the unwanted feelings of shame and developed a clearer sense of values you wish to live by, we have now come to the final step of overcoming shame – taking committed actions. This is where you take concrete actions and behave in ways that lead to positive changes in your life.

There are many ways you can do this depending on what you are struggling with. For instance, you can set goals that are in line with your values and beliefs. You could even intentionally expose yourself to difficult thoughts or experiences.

Consistently practice and commit to those behaviours to achieve the goals that you have set out. The key to taking committed actions is to incorporate changes in your life that will align with your established values.

A Final Piece of Advice

We should stress that every human being is radically imperfect and broken in their own way. It’s okay to accept your flaws as everyone has them. Remind yourself that no one is perfect! If you feel comfortable enough, find a friend whom you trust and share your feelings of shame with them. We are positive that they will be more than happy to listen to your struggles!