Positive Behaviour Management

What is Positive Behaviour management?

Behaviour management is about guiding your child’s behaviour so that they behave appropriately.

One effective way to do so is by implementing positive behaviour management. This means giving attention to their positive behaviours (e.g. through praises and rewards) instead of punishing or scolding them for negative behaviours.

Below are some steps you can take to manage your child’s behaviour in a more positive and effective way. We will discuss the reasons for your child’s behaviours and provide some strategies you can use to target these behaviours.

Step 1 - Figuring Out the Purpose of the Behaviour

There are reasons for all behaviours.

Existing research suggests that inappropriate behaviours, regardless of whether performed by an adult or child, serve one or more of the six functions illustrated below.

Often, when your child cannot tell you the reason for their behaviours, it is easy to misunderstand their intentions and blame them for being ‘naughty’.

This may cause both of you to become frustrated, which may accumulate over time to create tension in your parent-child relationship.

The Six Functions of Behaviours

To identify the purpose of your child’s behaviour, start by considering: ‘what does my child gain from doing this behaviour?’

Hint: Pay close attention to what happens before and after the behaviour occurs.

Step 2 - Reasons for Each Function from Your Child’s Point of View

Step 3 - Strategies for Each Function

To give you a better idea of how you can implement the strategies with your child, here are some possible case scenarios:

Scenario 1: A 7-year-old child who keeps screaming

Step 1: Purpose → Escape Pain

Step 2: Reason → To escape physical discomfort from a toothache

Step 3: Strategy → Design visuals (drawings, cards, photographs) for the child to communicate that she is in pain

Scenario 2: A 15-year-old student who keeps hitting students

Step 1: Purpose → Escape from a task

Step 2: Reason → Lacks sufficient ability to perform the task

Step 3: Strategy → Make the task easier for student and gradually increase the difficulty

If you feel like you need professional help, do reach out to us or book an appointment with us. We will be happy to assist you.

Additionally, here are some resources you can look through for more information on how to better understand and manage your child’s behaviours.

Ψ Autism Resource Centre: Provides workshops and training for parents and caregivers.
Ψ Ministry of Social and Family Development (Baby Bonus Portal): For parenting resources on development, socialising and well-being of children with special needs.
Ψ SG Enable: Information on parental support and referrals for children and youth with special needs.
Ψ Singapore Counselling Centre: Offers Positive Behaviour Support, a strategy used to address challenging behaviours.

Self-Monitoring Behaviour

What is Self-Monitoring?

Self-monitoring is the capacity to observe (or measure) and evaluate one’s own behaviour. It is a crucial component of executive functioning.

Self-monitoring means being able to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks successfully.

As adults, we often use self-monitoring behaviour. Whether subconsciously or consciously, we often ask ourselves questions to monitor or improve our performance. “How do I feel?”, “Am I on task?” or “How much time do I have left to work on this task?”.

However, young children typically do not have the ability to self-monitor as it is a skill that develops over time. For example, when young toddlers do not get what they want, they will usually let their mother know by crying and screaming.

Challenges of Implementing Self-Monitoring

Self-monitoring can be difficult for children with ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) as they have difficulties in executive functioning such as decision-making, staying focused, and impulse control.

These children find it more difficult self-monitoring compared to neurotypical children, who still have yet to develop these skills. This is similar for adults with ADHD as well. The result is a lot of impulsive behaviour that can disrupt learning, even if it was not intentional.

While this may be frustrating, remember that self-monitoring is a learnt skill and takes time to develop. It is crucial to provide the support children need to develop these skills. Adults can facilitate the development of a child’s executive functioning such as helping them practice necessary skills before they are able to do so independently.

Why Self-Monitor?

Self-monitoring is an effective tool for improving self-management skills and supporting academic, behavioural, and social development.

In a classroom setting, it teaches students to independently observe and record engagement in appropriate behaviour at a particular time. This strategy is used to increase desired behaviours.

Students who pay close attention to monitoring their behaviour are likely to react to the monitoring data collected and change targeted behaviours in the right direction.

This takes advantage of a behavioural principle: the simple act of measuring one’s behaviour and comparing it to an external behaviour or standard can result in lasting improvements in that behaviour.

A Step-by-Step Process for Implementing Self-Monitoring Behaviour

The process listed below is directed towards a teacher-student relationship. However, it can be tweaked for parents at home.

Self-monitoring in a classroom setting requires the student to be an active participant in the intervention. They will be given the responsibility of measuring and evaluating his or her behaviours.

Step 1 - Define target behaviour(s) for self-monitoring

Before you start teaching your student how to monitor their behaviour, both you and your student need to work together to identify target behaviours that need to be improved. By doing so, you are also teaching them to be more independent and responsible for their actions.

Which behaviours do they think are inappropriate in the classroom? Why do they engage in such behaviour? 

Some examples of desirable behaviours: 

Ψ Focusing on the task or assignment
Ψ Making positive statements to classmates
Ψ Completing maths problem sums

For each goal behaviour, it should have a clear, specific behavioural definition that provides observable “look-for’s” to indicate when the behaviour is being displayed. You can also role-play with the students examples and non-examples of the target behaviour (e.g. talking out of turn and raising his or her hand and waiting to be called on) to give the student a clearer understanding of when the behaviour is being displayed.

Step 2 - Choose a method for recording self-monitoring data

There are several ways to record self-monitoring data in the classroom. Below are some ways to record self-monitoring data:

Here are examples of a behaviour checklist, behaviour rating scale and a frequency count!

Step 3 - Choose a self-monitoring schedule

As self-monitoring requires periodical measurements of their own behaviour, both teacher and students have to decide on what schedule the monitoring will occur. Teachers should also gauge the capabilities of their students and decide on a schedule that will work best for them. We recommend starting with an easier one to follow. There are several options for this:

Step 4 - Decide on a monitoring cue

After determining a monitoring schedule with your student, you should then decide on a cue to trigger the start and end of a monitoring session.

Step 5 - Introduce simple rewards (Optional)

To motivate students, teachers may choose to reward students when they consistently engage in positive behaviours. They can do so by praising the child with positive comments upon displaying desirable behaviours. They can also reward them with simple tangible rewards (e.g. stationeries).

To figure out desirable rewards for students, teachers can observe the students’ behaviour in their free time (e.g. where they like to go, who they enjoy spending time with, or activities they often engage in) to get strong hints as to what rewards will be desirable for a student. 

Step 6 - Conduct periodic accuracy checks

Occasionally, the teacher should check the student’s self-monitoring data and procedures to ensure that he or she is recording accurately. This is especially important at the start of the monitoring when the student is new to this procedure. Random spot checks tend to result in higher quality self-recording data.

Step 7 - Fade the self-monitoring plan

Over time, the student is likely to achieve his or her behavioural goals. When this occurs, self-monitoring procedures should be faded, that is, gradually simplified or discontinued. This is to streamline self-monitoring goals so that it becomes sustainable over the long term while maintaining the student’s behavioural gains. 

Fading strategies may include reducing the monitoring questions over time (e.g. reducing a 6-item checklist for monitoring into a single question, “Am I ready to work?”), changing the monitoring cue to promote independence (from teacher-delivered cues to student-delivered cues) and monitoring less frequently (e.g. shifting from monitoring daily to monitoring twice per week).

Token Economy

Remember those stickers or points your teacher or parents would give if you did something they liked?

In developmental or child psychology, this strategy is known as establishing a token economy.

A token economy is a positive reinforcement strategy to encourage and maintain appropriate performance and behaviour, be it at home or in a classroom setting.

In a token economy, if a child acts or behaves in an appropriate manner, they will be able to trade their tokens for a reward or privilege.

Physical tokens are given to children after appropriate behaviour and accumulated points or tokens can be exchanged for rewards at a specified time. A predetermined goal is established for the number of tokens or points required to earn a reward. The teacher or parent is responsible for distributing the tokens and exchanging it for rewards.

What are the main steps involved in establishing a token economy?

This process is directed towards a teacher-student relationship. It can also be modified to be used at home between parent and child.

1. Select Behaviours to Target for Change

You (teacher or parent) should select a few, 2 to 4, target behaviours to change. The behaviour defined should be clear, specific and observable. Vague target behaviours make it difficult for you to observe and children to be aware when they have performed them.

It should also be motivational and encouraging, focused on increasing desired behaviours. These behaviours should be framed in things the child should do, and not what they shouldn’t do. Here’s some examples:

2. Develop a Method for Keeping Track of Tokens and Points

For younger children (4-7 years old), it is recommended that physical tokens such as stickers, stars or stamps be used.

For older children, points and numbers can be written on a card on their desk or simply written in a journal.

3. Identify Meaningful Rewards

This is key to the success of a token economy.

In order for the reward to be motivating, the child must find it desirable.

One way is to involve the child in generating a list of possible rewards. You can come up with a list of possible rewards and the child can rate whether he or she finds each of them desirable. After, come up with the list of rewards based on the rewards the child rated as most desirable.

Another way is to observe what the child does in his or her free time. You can get a good idea of a child’s preferred rewards simply by observing. Where they choose to spend their free time, who they choose to spend it with, the activities they engage in are all strong hints about what they find rewarding. Behaviours that they engage in frequently can be used as rewarding activities. 

For example, if a child enjoys spending time with a particular friend, having “free time with a friend” may be a meaningful reward for the student. Similarly, if a student often requests to care for the classroom pet, having “5 minutes with the class pet rabbit” will be a desirable reward for him or her. There may also be classroom responsibilities that children find rewarding, such as assisting the teacher or erasing the chalkboard.

Another way of coming up with rewards is to ask those that know the student well (if you are a teacher), such as parents or past teachers that have regularly interacted with the student. They will be able to come up with rewards that will really motivate him or her.

Some examples of rewards in a classroom setting

Ψ Computer time
Ψ Leading songs 
Ψ Being captain of a team 
Ψ Erasing the chalkboard
Ψ Writing lesson plans on the chalkboard
Ψ Feeding the fish or classroom pets

Some examples of rewards in a home setting 

Ψ 30 extra minutes on phone
Ψ Watching TV during breakfast
Ψ Go out for ice cream or McDonalds
Ψ Special activity with parents
Ψ Pick a rental movie
Ψ Having a sleepover
Ψ Family bowling night

4. Establishing Goals

The next step is to determine an appropriate goal, or the number of tokens or points needed to exchange for the reward.

Initially, the goal should be easily achievable by the child. If the goal is too high, the child may think it is unachievable and will not put in the effort to achieve it. 

One way of ensuring this is to monitor his or her targeted behaviours for a week before starting the token economy. The starting goal should be just slightly above their normal performance. This reasonable starting goal makes it more likely for the child to attain success and experience the reward of appropriate behaviour in the early stage of the programme. The goal difficulty can be gradually increased over time.

You can also assign different behaviours to different token levels. The behaviour you really want to see changed are those that have a higher token value and are also more difficult to change. For example, turning in homework on time might have a value of 5 assigned to it and obeying class rules for a whole class might have a value of 10 assigned to it. 

Targeted rewards can also vary in the number of tokens needed in accordance to its value. For instance, rewards that are relatively easy to achieve (e.g. exchanging tokens for stationeries) require lesser tokens as compared to a bigger reward (e.g. having one-on-one time with a teacher for lunch). This will also teach children the value of spending and saving. They will learn to save tokens to attain a greater reward. 

5. Explain the Token Economy to the Child

You should sit down with the children and discuss target behaviours and how to successfully perform appropriate behaviours. The goal for earning the rewards and when the rewards will be given should also be communicated clearly with the children.

6. Providing Feedback

You should decide how tokens will be distributed to the children.

Tokens can be given for each occurrence of a target behaviour or at specified intervals. For example, if the target behaviour is to raise your hands before speaking, a token can be given for every time the behaviour is displayed. If the target behaviour is the completion of mathematical questions, the child can earn a token for every 5 questions completed.

It is important to reward the target behaviours with tokens consistently. Praise and compliment the child for appropriate behaviour throughout the day.

7. Providing Rewards

At a predetermined time, you should review the child’s progress towards the targeted goals.

At the beginning, reward children immediately so as to allow them to experience the reward of appropriate behaviour.

This means rewarding children on a daily basis. Gradually, the length of time to give out rewards can be extended. It is also okay to look over small mistakes in targeted behaviours initially. 

If the child has obtained the goal for the day, they should be allowed to choose a suitable reward from the list of possible rewards. However, if they did not achieve the goal for the day, the child should be informed in a matter-of-fact manner that he or she did not earn the reward. 

This also gives you an opportunity to check in with the children and track their progress. Here, you can also discuss areas for improvement and praise them for their improvement or positive behaviour. 

It is important to stay consistent and do not go back on your word. Regardless of what happened that day, dispensing rewards when it is due or expected is crucial in ensuring the success of a token economy. If not done consistently, children may be less motivated to earn tokens for rewards. 

However, if you need to change or modify certain aspects of the program, it is important to get the children involved in the discussion whenever possible and give them a voice in these decisions.

8. Changing the Program

Over time, as the child’s behaviour gradually improves to a desired level, the program can be changed and modified in various ways. For instance, the number of tokens required to exchange for a reward can be increased. The number of times that they can exchange tokens for rewards can also be reduced (e.g. from daily to several times a week to weekly). 

New target behaviours can also be introduced. However, when making changes to a token economy, remember to praise the child for his or her improvements and success and explain the changes and expectations. 

After several weeks, you can also introduce a punishment technique called response cost. This involves the loss of tokens or privileges following the occurrence of inappropriate behaviour.

Do note that a response cost should not be introduced in the beginning of a token economy.

Additional pointers

Ψ Try to avoid rewarding children for the achievement of good grades. The desired behaviours we are trying to target should be their effort and not final scores.

Ψ Teachers can also choose to have a reward system for the whole class. A class-based token economy system should be tied with classroom rules that have already been established. However, it should only be used if a teacher deems it appropriate (e.g. there are many students that will benefit from it).

Ψ You can also choose to have an end-of-year auction. In this manner, there will always be an opportunity to earn rewards and this can serve as a continuous motivation for students to earn tokens all year round. This serves as an exciting alternative in comparison to other rewards that may seem “old” or “boring” over time. 

For instance, a teacher can announce that there will be an exciting excursion to a specific location at the end of the month for students that manage to accumulate a certain amount of tokens. This will give students a huge incentive to earn tokens and display appropriate behaviours.

Children and Grief

What do children know about death? 

Death is a common theme in cartoons and movies, so may not be as foreign as you might think. Having a vague understanding about death and experiencing it first hand is different, and can be a confusing and turbulent time for children.

The pain of loss, grief and sadness is a common emotion that adults can relate to when it comes to death, but oftentimes we may forget that children tend to experience additional feelings of confusion and fear. This is exacerbated by the often foreign emotions that accompany them, making it a rather disorienting experience.   

Sheltering your child from the pain of loss is like fighting a losing battle - death is inevitable and is a part of life. Instead, equipping your child with the skills necessary to cope can help them feel safe and secure.   

Death can be a daunting topic to tackle. However, by allowing them to understand their emotions and validating their fears, you can help build healthy coping skills that allow them to deal with grief appropriately.   

Children grief differently 

Children may express grief in different ways from adults - similarly, they may respond to death in different ways depending on their age and personalities.  

Young children (2-4 years old) typically see death as temporary and reversible - they may not have an adequate understanding of what death means or it’s permanence. Sometimes, they blame themselves for the death of their loved ones, and mistakenly assume they have done something to cause the death. Your child may seem unbothered about the passing or even experience severe mood swings (from crying to wanting to play). They may also ask the same questions repeatedly  - it's understandably frustrating, but remember to be patient and reassuring. 

• Expressions of grief: Regression to earlier behaviours (wetting the bed, sucking their thumb), sleep problems, irritability and confusion

• How to help: Following an established routine, coupled with lots of care, love and reassurance will be helpful. Play may be an outlet for grieving at this age.    

Children between the ages of 5 to 7 years start to grasp the concept of death, but may have an innocent perception that they and their loved ones are not susceptible to death, that is, it will never happen to them or anyone they know.  

• Expressions of grief: Nightmares, regressions to earlier behaviors, violent play 

• How to help: Encourage the expression of emotions through symbolic play or talking about the person who passed. 

Children between 7 to 13 years may be overly fearful of sickness and injuries because they do not have a full understanding of how death works and why people die.They may want to believe death as reversible, but are beginning to understand the finality in death.  

• Expressions of grief: Regression, school issues, social issues, acting out, changes in sleeping and eating habits, thoughts about their own death 

• How to help: Explain to them that death may occur because of serious illness or injuries. Reassure them that death will not occur to them till a long time later.  

As children grow older (13 years and up), it is important for parents to support and educate them on death and how to process and cope with loss. Teenagers are capable of understanding more abstract concepts, and thus have a better comprehension of the concept of death.  

• Expressions of grief: Extreme sadness or anger, denial, regression, risk taking, acting out, suicidal thoughts  

• How to help: Be present, and give them space to process their emotions, above all, encourage the expression of feelings! 

Your child may feel immediate grief following the death of the loved one, but also have a belief that the loved one is still alive. This is normal weeks after the passing, however if persists beyond that, can be emotionally unhealthy and lead to more severe issues. Additionally, be observant of your child’s behaviours, especially if your child is unable to cope with grief and loss, they may suffer from adjustment disorder. Adjustment disorder occurs as a reaction to a painful or stressing event, the reaction to the event being excessive to what would be expected. The reaction also significantly interferes with social, occupational and educational functioning. During times of loss, it may be especially difficult to have the bandwidth to deal with both your own grief along with your child’s. Do seek help from a professional if you are unable to cope or help your child cope with these complex emotions. 

Keep in Mind 

Be mindful of your child’s developmental age when it comes to helping your child cope with death. Here are some general guidelines you could follow when helping your deal with grief:  

1. Be Direct  

Stay away from using euphemisms such as “went to sleep”, “gone”, or “we lost them”. Children are very literal, so these abstract and intangible languages can make them feel anxious and scared. As a result, they may believe the deceased will come back to life, and that death is not permanent. “Went to sleep” is particularly problematic, since it may cause your child to develop a fear of sleeping. 

2. Tread Carefully 

The way your child reacts to death is unpredictable and varies among individuals. When comforting your child, be mindful of their developmental age, and directly answer their questions. Try not to offer additional information as it may be overwhelming for them. Do your best to answer as honestly and clearly as you can - remember, it’s okay if you are unable to answer certain questions (i.e  What happens after we die? Will I ever get to see grandma again?). A helpful suggestion is to relate back to your core values and beliefs to help guide along your responses. At the end of the day, what’s most important is that you are emotionally available and present for your child in this turbulent time.  

3. Expressing Their Feelings  

It is important to allow your child to articulate and pinpoint the emotions they are experiencing during this time. If your child is unable to express what they are feeling, you could prompt them by saying “Mummy/Daddy is feeling very sad that grandma passed away. Do you feel the same way?”. Other ways you could help your child express their emotions is through play - drawing pictures, playing with dolls or telling stories.  

4. Funeral Matters 

Funerals can be particularly helpful in providing closure, but can also be an intense experience. Whether your child attends the funeral is a personal decision, and is a judgment call the parents can make. However, do take into consideration your child’s preference as well, as it is never a good idea to force your child to attend a funeral they are not ready for.  

Funerals are often emotionally charged, therefore your child has to be prepared for the visceral emotions they will see and feel around them. Moreover, if a casket is present, you may have to prepare them for that too. Do note that even the best prepared child may get upset and feel intense emotions. Children’s behaviours can be unpredictable, so expect the unexpected. 

If you decide that funerals may not be the best way, a good alternative is to memorialise the person who passed away with your child. This involves remembering the deceased and sharing memories about the person. Some activities you could do with your child: 

• Planting a tree in honour and remembrance for the deceased 

• Releasing balloons with messages for the deceased  

• Sharing favourite memories of the person  

• Creating a scrapbook of memories of the person  

There are many ways you could memorialise a person, so be creative with it. The purpose of the activity is to express the regret and sadness of losing the person and to find closure for both you and your child. It can be a helpful catharsis especially if your child is unable to attend the funeral to say their final goodbyes.  

Different types of grief 

The death of a loved one may not be the only time your child is faced with loss - and this can range from pets, to grandparents. Moreover, there are also different reasons for the death of loved ones. Here are some ways you can explain what happened: 

• Death of a Pet

  The death of a pet may have significant impacts on your child because they essentially lost a lifelong friend. This may be your child’s first encounter with death, and can shape the way they perceive and think about death. Be transparent about the reason behind the passing, especially if the death occurs unexpectedly. If the pet had to be euthanized, explain that the vet tried everything to help but the pet was too sick to recover.

• Death by suicide

  This is a particularly traumatic death - especially on the surviving family members and loved ones. The child will be curious about how the loved one passed, therefore you should not avoid explaining the reason. That being said, be developmentally appropriate in your explanation.

  For example, you may explain that this is caused by a psychiatric disorder which is a disease of the brain that resulted in their death. Try not to use the phrase “committed suicide” because the word has negative connations related to crime or even sin. Instead, you could say the person passed by suicide or took their own life. Moreover, it is important to emphasize that suicide is never the solution and there are always other options.

• Death by addiction

  Similar to suicide, it is important to have a conversation with the child regarding to the cause of death. Focus on how addiction is a disease, and blame it for the cause of death, not the person. It may look something like telling the child that addiction is a disease that causes a person to want more of a substance that was harmful to them, which ultimately resulted in their death. Reassure the child that addiction does not make their loved one bad, but just someone who suffered from a disease.

  As the child grows older, you may want to explain in greater detail what addiction is and the particular substance it was. This is because they may start hearing that addiction is hereditary, and start developing fears themselves. While this may be true, you can start explaining that addiction is also a result of both the genes and environment. Thus having a relative who struggled with addiction does not mean they will struggle with it.

• Death by illness

  In this case, the child may have had time to mentally prepare for the death of the loved one. Alternatively, it may have been unexpected. Either way, it is important to keep the child up-to-date on the health status of the loved one, in the case that they pass. You may want to let the child know that their loved one was suffering from a disease, that the doctors tried everything they could, but weren’t able to cure the disease.

Concluding Thoughts 

Do not be discouraged. if you find yourself unable to process the grief of the passing of your loved ones, seek help from your social support systems or even professional help (i.e grief counsellor, psychologist). Death can be traumatic and deeply emotional, and even the people that come to face death on a daily basis (think hospital doctors and nurses) may find it difficult to cope with it. It can be difficult to find courage when everything is overwhelming, and it is okay to feel that way. 

Prioritizing yourself will be crucial during this period, and is one of the best ways to support both you and your child. In fact, research shows that how well a child does after a death is associated to how well the adults in their life are doing. This means ensuring you are surrounded by your support system with healthy coping methods to provide comfort for yourself. This models the behaviour for your child on ways to take care of themselves, and at the same time gives you some mental space to reassure and be there for them without being burnt out.

How to Raise Kind Children

Kindness and compassion are traits that most parents value highly in their children. So, what can you do to raise children who are kind and altruistic? This is where psychological research comes in handy! Numerous studies have been conducted to find out what parenting behaviours are most strongly associated with raising kind children. Here are some tips and guidelines on what you can do:

Ψ Model positive behaviours

Children model their behaviour significantly from their parents. When your children see you performing acts of kindness, they will be much more likely to do the same. Research has consistently shown that children who have at least one parent who demonstrates values of altruism to them are more likely to be altruistic too. Similarly, when caregivers are nurturing and intentionally model helping behaviour, young children engaged in more helpful behaviours and displayed more sympathy to other children who were hurt.

Ψ Hold children personally responsible and accountable

If your children know that you are specifically counting on them to be kind, they will be more likely to behave more kindly. For example, a study looked at how much Halloween candy 4 to 13 year olds donate to children in hospitals. Children donated more when the researchers told them specifically and individually that the researchers would put their names on the candy the children donated and that they were counting on them. Children tended to donate less when they believed that their donations were not individually traceable. As such, giving your children their own responsibility to be kind makes them more likely to behave accordingly.

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Ψ Do not give children extrinsic rewards for helping

Children, even those who are young, are intrinsically motivated to be kind. Giving them extrinsic motivation, such as money or toys, can make them attribute their kindness to the reward, thus losing their intrinsic motivation. Young children who were rewarded materially for helping other people become less likely to help in the future when no reward is presented, compared to children who were only praised or not rewarded at all for helping. So instead of rewarding your child whenever they display acts of kindness, praise and encourage them instead!

Ψ Use positive, non-coercive methods

Parents who discipline their children with positive, non-coercive methods and express positive feelings more tend to raise children who are more compassionate toward others. Positive, non-coercive discipline methods include showing empathy, explain reasons behind requests, and using non-controlling languages that imply they have a choice. Coercive discipline methods include yelling, spanking, and using threatening language.

Ψ Expose children to the less fortunate

This may seem like a counterintuitive point as parents often instinctively want to shield their children from all the pain and suffering out there in the world. However, doing so limits the opportunities for children to feel compassion for others. In the other hand, exposing children to the less fortunate provides them more opportunities to dedicate their time and energy to others, extends their compassion, encourages feelings of gratitude, and makes them more altruistic.

All in all, the most important thing is to love your children and make character a top priority in your family!

Children and Their Greens

How do you encourage your children to eat their vegetables?

“It’s time to eat your veggies!” 

“No! I don’t want to eat my veggies! 

“But veggies are good for you!” 

“I don’t like them, ew!” 

Does this conversation sound familiar?  

Many parents struggle to get their children to eat their vegetables. This is an age-old problem that many parents face. It is a daily hassle to persuade their children to consume their vegetables but it is something parents persist in trying since the importance of a balanced diet takes precedence over letting them have their way.  

Vegetables are important for a healthy and balanced diet as they contain different nutrients, including vitamins, antioxidants, minerals, and fibre. These nutrients are essential to normal growth and development. Moreover, some of these nutrients play a role in warding off chronic diseases, like hypertension, heart disease, and cancer by strengthening your child’s immune system.  

It can be frustrating when your child starts fussing about their food. If your child refuses to eat their vegetables, try these simple tips to get them to enjoy their vegetables and meet their nutritional needs: 

Ψ Lead by example (Monkey see, monkey do!)

Young children model behaviours from their parents and older siblings. Show your child that you enjoy eating a particular vegetable dish. Prepare something that you like and eat it with enthusiasm. Sooner or later, your child is likely to be curious about the food that you think is so delicious. Remember to enjoy meals together with your children whenever possible.

Ψ Do not make the dinner table a battlefield (Avoid pressuring them!)

Forcing your child to eat their vegetables may cause them to resist and dislike them more. Avoid pressuring them and allow them to decide how much they want to eat. Recognise that it may take many repetitions before a child accepts new food. Offer the vegetables to your child and if he or she refuses, do not get upset, plead, or engage in lengthy discussions about the benefits of vegetables. Instead, move on to other topics and try again another day.

Ψ Familiarity 

Children need a chance to learn to enjoy fruits and vegetables. Since fruits and vegetables may initially seem unappealing or unappetising to children, they may need to see the fruit or vegetable many times before they are willing to try it. Accordingly, your role as a parent is to ensure that these vegetables are available at the dinner table. Try including a small serving on your child’s plate every day and encourage them to try it. However, let them decide if they want to eat it or not.  

Ψ Resist the urge to prepare different options for the meal you have prepared.  

Some children may be picky eaters and avoid certain foods. Nonetheless, they will learn to accept the meal prepared for them if alternatives are not offered. It is important to consistently introduce vegetables and fruit in a variety of ways, as children learn to eat what is familiar to them. Never assume your child dislikes a particular vegetable or fruit. The next time you offer it, they may decide to try it.  

Ψ Get them involved

If you are still met with reluctance after several tries, ask your children to help you prepare the next meal. They are less likely to refuse to try the dish they helped make if they spend part of an afternoon preparing the vegetables with you. You can also have your child help you plant vegetables in a vegetable garden, have him or her water the plants, harvest the crop, bring them in the kitchen, and proceed to help cook them. This will also provide an opportunity for your children to learn about their food!

Ψ Offer non-food rewards (Not desserts!)

Do not reward your child with sweet treats such as a dessert after you have successfully gotten them to eat their vegetables. Rewarding children in this manner may send them the wrong message that the dessert is more important than the vegetables. Instead of inculcating a desire to eat and love vegetables, they may focus on the reward more than the behaviour which gets them the reward. Accordingly, this will deter your child from embracing positive eating habits. Although you may occasionally serve dessert, do not treat it as a reward for positive behaviour. Alternatively, try to encourage the consumption of fruits and vegetables by providing non-food or social rewards, such as stickers or one of your child's favourite activities.

Ψ Serve vegetables as the entrée

Normally, vegetables will lose the competition against all the other delicious plates of food on the dining table. Vegetables might not lose that battle for everyone, but they do for most children.  

This strategy puts vegetables in a competition they can win, by pitting vegetables against no food at all. To do that, serve the vegetables first before any other food and ensure that your child has eaten them before other food is displayed on your table. Your child is usually the hungriest at the start of the meal. Thus, when they are unable to pick something else on their plate, they are more likely to consume their vegetables. 

A final piece of advice 

Do not let mealtimes become a time for arguments because of vegetables, or any healthy eating. Instead of getting frustrated, recognise that there are good reasons as to why your child might be reluctant to accept new foods. If you set a good example and are persistent with your efforts, it is likely that your child will eventually embrace and even enjoy their vegetables. 

It is normal to be disheartened during the initial attempts at getting your children to eat their vegetables. Try the aforementioned tips and, most importantly, do not give up! It is important to keep encouraging your child to eat their vegetables. If you help your child develop healthy eating habits now, you will inculcate in them healthy habits for life. Lastly, your child’s diet is merely one element of a healthy lifestyle. It is paramount to also ensure your child is getting enough sufficient physical activity, sleep, and adequate fluid intake.  

Screen Time

What is Screen Time?

Screen time is the time spent using devices with screens like TVs, smartphones, tablets, and video consoles.

Screen time can be interactive (e.g. playing video games, video calling via Skype) or non-interactive (e.g. watching movies or YouTube videos). It can also be educational (e.g. Koobits, doing homework online) or recreational (playing games or watching movies for fun).

Depending on how you manage and monitor your child’s screen time, there can be both benefits and risks associated with it.

Benefits of Screen Time

Screen time can have a positive influence on your child when used wisely. This usually occurs when you participate with your child while using these devices, and meaningful interactions are formed as a result of your participation in the activity with your child.

Screen time can be a good platform for you to share your own life experiences and guidance with them. Young children learn best through a two-way conversation and research has shown that it is the “back-and-forth” conversation that improves language skills, rather than passive listening or a one-way interaction with the screen.

Good-quality content and programs for your children are also important. Examples of quality content for your children are those enabling your child to think creatively or learn new skills. These would be much better for your child than watching an online animation or advertisement.

For example, watching a 15-minute video on nursery rhymes with your 2-year-old child can help him or her develop language and literacy skills when you interact with him or her. A video or dance accompanying the rhymes would be even more ideal as it encourages them to be physically active, such as moving along to the rhymes. This is much better compared to watching a 15-minute online animation advertising toys.

Risks of Screen Time

Screen time can also pose physical, developmental, and other risks to your child when not monitored carefully.

Physical: Staring at a screen for long periods of time can cause sore or irritated eyes, headaches, and fatigue. Being inactive for long periods of time can also lead to a less active lifestyle and pose dangers such as obesity.

Developmental: Too much screen time can also impact children’s language and social skills. Screens cannot replace interacting with caregivers, such as talking and playing with them. Engaging in reciprocative conversation is essential for language development.

Excessive screen time can also result in children missing out on developing a wide range of interests, and the learning and friends associated with that interest. Screens can be tempting and have irreplaceable allure, but it is also crucial that it does not displace interactions, engagement, and relationship building.

Other risks: Other risks include the negative influence some media may have on children and their behaviour. For example, children may learn or model violent imagery and coarse language seen in the media. This can be reduced by educating your child on media literacy and monitoring their screen time.

Screen Time Guidelines

American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends limiting the amount of time children spend in front of a screen.

Ψ Babies younger than 18 months should not have any screen time, with the exception of video calling with other family members.

Ψ Toddlers aged 18 - 24 months can start to enjoy screen time with the supervision of a parent or caregiver.

Ψ Screen time for preschool children aged 2 - 5 should be limited to just 1 hour a day of high-quality programming.

Tips for Parents regarding Screen Time

1. Be a role model for healthy screen time habits. Your child will learn and model screen time habits from you.

This means you should model good habits such as turning your phone off during meal times and turning off the television once the program is over. You will also be more available to them if you are interacting and playing with them rather than looking at a screen.

2. Balancing screen time with other activities

a) Set limits for your child’s screen time according to the age of your child and your family routines. For example, you may choose to give your child more screen time during weekends or when video-calling a distant relative.

b) Creating tech-free zones is important in encouraging more family interaction, healthier eating habits, and better sleep. This could mean switching off all screens during mealtimes, during family gatherings or outings, and an hour before bedtime. This will also help children learn about socialising and develop better communication skills.

c) Including other activities, such as physical exercise, or creative games, such as puzzles, into their daily routines. Unstructured and offline play helps to stimulate creativity and interaction with caregivers and is important for a healthy development

3. Encourage your children to deal with their emotions

The media can be a very effective way of keeping your children entertained or quiet, but it should not be the only way they calm down. It is important for children to learn how to identify and manage their emotions, how to come up with activities to deal with their boredom, discuss solutions to their problems, learn breathing techniques to calm down, and find alternative ways to handle their emotions.

One way to encourage this behavior is to provide alternative screen-free methods to deal with boredom. For example, during long journeys in the car, instead of letting your child be solely entertained by the media, you can also play games such as “I spy” or pack an activity bag filled with puzzles, books, or drawing materials. This will not only encourage them to be more creative and learn social skills, but it also prevents them from relying too much on technology to occupy themselves.

4. Managing screen time

One effective way of managing screen time is to lay out the choices available to them. You can make a list of programs or games and let them take charge of how they want to use their limited screen time. This helps them to think, plan, and make responsible decisions about their media usage.

Determining how long they are allowed to have screen time may also help. When there is an agreed upon duration, it is more likely that they will cooperate and stop using their devices when given a warning.

As much as possible, you should co-view (watch media with your child) or co-play (play video games or apps with your child) as greater interaction and communication will promote healthy development. However, if they are using media on their own, make sure to be in the know of what platforms, software, or apps they are using and educate them about media literacy.

Setting Boundaries with Your Child

As with all physical matter, we all know that kids need limits and boundaries! But, it is another thing when it comes to setting and enforcing those limits.

If you have not at least once, try telling a kid “no”.

It is uncomfortable for many parents to start putting boundaries into place, especially if you haven’t before! As parents, we love our kids, and we would never want to see them upset over something we did (or could have prevented).

Even so, we need to remind ourselves that setting limits for our children is necessary. Not only will it benefit them, it can also make our parenting journey a lot easier as our children grow! We all need to learn what’s expected of us, and childhood is the best time for children to learn this. What’s more, it aligns perfectly with their developmental goals. Children are all attempting to explore their environment at this stage--keenly observing their environment, imitating behaviours they observe, noting down cause-and-effect relationships, and forming beliefs about rules based on what they see.

Don’t worry if they’re too young to be taught such boundaries.

Learning about boundaries early in life gives children the skills to navigate future relationships, such that they are less likely to do things that make others uncomfortable. It all boils down to knowing what is acceptable behaviour, and what is not. This important life skill is one for you to teach as parents, and one for them, as children, to learn and hold.

Next, comes the important question: how do we go about teaching children boundaries in a healthy way, such that they are able to learn and still understand that we still love them? Here are some tips!

Source: LunarBaboon (The Awkward Yeti Guest Comic)

1.     Give Clear and Direct Rules

This leaves little ambiguity or loopholes. Your child is less likely to cross the line as it’s easier for them to follow and understand the rules. Remember, they are still developing their language capabilities too! Your language should be directive and close-ended (and not open-ended or open for misinterpretation).

Let’s have a look at two instructions:

A: “Why don’t you finish your dinner before playing with your toys?”

B: “Please finish your dinner before you play with your toys.”

The second instruction is direct, close-ended and impactful. It is more effective in getting your point across to your child. Not only will your child understand what you want quickly, they would also be able to know how firm you stand by these rules.

2.     Consistency is key!

With consistency comes familiarity. By enforcing rules consistently, there is structure and discipline at home, both of which are important elements of effective parenting. It would be easier for your children to know how to stay within the limits that you impose on them. Moreover, they would also know that you are serious about the boundaries, which helps teach them about being accountable for their actions. Hopefully, this will make them think twice before they commit a (potential) transgression!

3.     Appropriate, Congruent Body Language

We’ve all heard about how verbal language contributes only a small percentage of how convincing a message is. This applies to teaching children boundaries as well!

When teaching or disciplining your child, give appropriate eye contact, speak with a firm voice, and have a neutral facial expression. Consider giving eye contact at their level, which means that you have to stoop down. This is done so as not to intimidate them too much.

Do not attempt to discipline them while still laughing or smiling at them--if you don’t think that you would be convinced when someone does this to you, chances are, your child won’t as well. As long as whatever you say is congruent with your actions, your child will understand that you’re serious about what you say. This makes them more likely to keep within the set boundaries.

4.     Remain Decisive and Follow Through with the Consequences

In an ideal world, our children will never be upset. Especially not with us.

However, know that it’s alright if your child is upset with you in the process of setting boundaries. They need to learn what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Moreover, the experience can also help them learn how to cope with negative emotions in a healthy, rational way. These lessons you have for them are very necessary, so don’t feel bad for it.

It can be tempting to withdraw whatever you’ve said or done but do know that empty threats are not the way to solve things, either. While they may make your child happy with you for now, empty threats just show your child that you are not serious about the boundaries. They might choose to defy these boundaries in the future.

5.     Recognise when they have stuck by the boundaries you’ve set too!

This is a great way to show your child that you still love them even though they did something wrong! When they’re done something good, praise them and acknowledge their efforts. Children love to be acknowledged and praised for something they did, especially when it’s from their parents! This makes them feel loved and cherished. They will thus be more motivated to stick to these boundaries in order to feel these positive feelings again! Positive reinforcement is great at maintaining a child’s good behaviour.  

6.     Have Developmentally-Appropriate Expectations

Understand what can be done at certain ages and what might be too advanced for your child. This prevents you from setting expectations that are too high and will save you lots of agony later.

Look up what healthy expectations you can have for your child and use these as yardsticks for their growth. You can keep track of their progress and let them know about their improvement! This can also serve as motivation for them to continue sticking to your limits and exhibiting prosocial behaviour.

7.     Don’t Give Them Too Much Power and Control in the Family

Basically, do not spoil your child.

Children develop an inflated sense of influence and authority when they are given too much power and control in the family. The boundaries that you’ve set for them get blurred. They might feel emboldened to test the limits set and will be less inclined to stick to what you’ve told them. This effectively sets the stage for future parent-child conflicts and power struggles when they grow older.

Worse still, if not curbed from young, it might become more challenging to place limits on your child as they enter adolescence, which is a stage highly associated with independence-seeking and identity-formation.

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Loving our children means teaching them the right, albeit difficult, lessons to better navigate life, values, and relationships.

Teaching them appropriate behaviour happens to be one of these important lessons.

We can start doing so in their childhood as they are keenly exploring their environment. Not only will an early head start help them in life, it will also make your parenting journey an easier one as time passes by! 

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Dr Annabelle was featured in the Mummy’s Market magazine and shared these views on how to set boundaries with a child. Check it out!

Juggling Motherhood and Career

An ACT approach

It’s often said that a baby is a bundle of joy to the family. But at 3am when you’ve tried everything everyone in your local mummy’s forum have suggested, we can’t help but feel whoever said the aforementioned phrase should be hanged, drawn, and quartered (hint: it is often the father).

It is challenging to juggle motherhood and career at the same time.

We worry about…

… having to return to a huge load of work while worrying if your child meets each developmental milestone

… how our colleagues might view us if we are unable to complete our work with the same level of efficiency as before

… the list goes on...

All these problems accumulate over time and become overwhelming, especially when sleep deprivation is a real issue for mothers.

Taken together, they can snowball into burnout if not dealt with in time.

Is there anything we can do to juggle motherhood and career at all?

One way to do that is to adopt an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach by:

Ψ acknowledging and accepting our experiences, no matter how difficult they might be
Ψ being aware and being in the present moment
Ψ using values to guide our actions

Mindfulness: Accept, and be present

It is normal for mothers to avoid, suppress, or escape from unwanted private experiences (e.g., thoughts, emotions, memories, etc.) associated with the pressure to juggle family and work commitments. After all, to confide in others is akin to admitting that weakness and vulnerability. That said, wouldn’t it be better to accept our experiences instead?

Mindfulness promotes the acceptance of experiences related to expectations as a working mother. One mindfulness exercise involves taking deep breaths and writing 5 things about the self and environment. Applications, such as UCLA Mindful, are also available for those who prefer guided approaches. 

Valued Direction: what’s truly important?

Besides mindfulness, the ACT approach involves being aware of what matters to us. When things get tough, it can be easy for us to lose track of what we value, or what meaning we derive from doing certain things. Journalling is one good way to help us uncover these important questions:
Ψ What kind of parent would I like to be?
Ψ What can I do to foster the bond with my child, while nurturing their development and dreams?

Take Action: putting it all together.

After deciding on what values are important to us, we can now take steps to align our actions with them. Think about the domains in your life that you would like to address, such as career or parenting, and set relevant goals. On this note, it is helpful to set SMART goals to increase the chances of success.

Credit: VComply

Suppose you are someone who values work-life balance immensely. Your short-term goal might then look like this:
S: I will prioritise my work during weekday mornings and afternoons; evenings and weekends reserved for my family.
M: I will spend quality time with my child by focusing on my family during evenings and weekends; I will switch to “work mode” once the next work day starts.
A: I will plan my schedule each day to help me be more attentive and aware of my family’s needs, and my work responsibilities.
R: This is something I can do over the next few weeks, given that I do not work on weekends.
T: I will do this over the next four weeks and see if this works out fine. 

It’s not easy to juggle motherhood and career. Kudos (or in local parlance: add oil) to all mummies out there for being strong!

When things get overwhelming (and they often can and do!), it’s easy to lose track of what is important to us. Learning to take a breather from time to time is important so that we do not react immediately to everything that’s happening. It also helps to remind us that our values are really good guides in helping us decide what we should do when we face obstacles!

Motherhood and career are both long-term endeavors; give yourself the opportunity to learn these skills to flourish and thrive in the long run!

Content adapted from Annabelle Kids

Coping with Caregiving: Stress Management

For the parents who constantly feel like pulling their hairs out.

The Reality of Caregiver Burnout

Caring for your child can be emotionally draining, time-consuming, stressful and can create a sense of imbalance in the family system.

It is easy to neglect your own well-being in this challenging process. However, it is also important to take care of your own emotional and physical health.

Why? Doing so will not only improve your well-being, but also puts you in a better position to care for your child. When you take care of yourself and get sufficient downtime, your energy level, motivational level, and even your capacity to think improves. If you’re in a better condition, you will be able to provide better care for your child.

Symptoms of Caregiver Burnout

You are not alone on this journey!

In 2014, a survey conducted by the National Council of Social Services found that nearly half of the caregivers surveyed experienced caregiver strain, with 4 in 10 being psychologically distressed, and more than 6 in 10 felt burdened by the weight of their caregiving duties.

Caregivers may experience physical effects such as fatigue and body aches as well as psychological effects such as stress, emotional tiredness, depression, and anxiety.

Techniques for Self-Care

Below are some practices to follow in your daily lifestyles to improve your mental & physical health:

Ψ 3-steps mindfulness exercise
Ψ Get regular sleep and exercise
Ψ Accept that there is a limit to what you can do
Ψ Allow some time off to pursue your own interests
Ψ Take regular breaks
Ψ Seek help and support from your loved ones
Ψ Seek professional support from a counsellor or psychologist
Ψ Join a community support system for parents (or any relevant support group)

3-steps Mindfulness Exercise

A Simple 5 Minute Exercise

Bring awareness to what you are doing, thinking, and sensing at this moment. Notice the thoughts that come up and acknowledge your feelings, but let them pass.

1. Bring awareness to your breathing for six breaths or a minute. Be aware of the movement of your body with each breath, of how your chest rises and falls, how your belly pushes in and out, and how your lungs expand and contract.

2. Expand awareness outwards, first to your body then to the environment. Notice the sensations you are experiencing, like tightness, or perhaps a lightness in your face or shoulders. Keep in mind your body as a whole; If you wish, you can then expand your awareness even further to the environment around you. Bring your attention to what is in front of you. Notice the colours, shapes, patterns, and textures of the objects you can see. Be present at this moment, in your awareness of your surroundings.

Techniques for Self-Care

Caregivers can attend courses to better understand their child’s condition and to learn behavioural and cognitive strategies to cope with stress and develop confidence in their abilities to overcome difficulties. Here is just a list for parents with children suffering from autism, who require support:

If you feel like you need professional help, do reach out to us or book an appointment with us. We will be happy to assist you.

Coping with Caregiving: Unpaid Leave

For you, Parents.

Welcoming a new family member comes with a myriad of changes. Despite various initiatives, like mandated 12 weeks of maternity leave and paternity leave, unforeseen situations crop up every now and then and parents just have to take unpaid leave at times for caregiving purposes. Imagine how distressing this can be; caregiving difficulties, sleep deprivation, physical and emotional exhaustion, reduced income, less available funds for the family, just to name a few…

How do we better cope with caregiving? How do we handle having to take unpaid leave when it’s inevitable? Can we really afford to “take it easy”?

One way is to look at the situation from an acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) approach. Acknowledging and accepting our experiences with compassion, while focusing on the actions we can take next. This will help us respond flexibly and reduce the amount of stress that we experience in such a situation (which will be ever so welcome!).

Let’s look at how the 6 core processes of ACT can be useful if you’re struggling:

1. Cognitive Defusion

Think of it like putting some distance between you and your mind, but still being able to see what’s going on in it – thoughts, feelings, memories, and so on, and being able to observe without judgement. The reverse though, is fusion, which means getting caught up and swept away by our thoughts, feelings and memories.

We know, it sounds easy. It would be challenging to do so if we are overwhelmed by the stress of caregiving.

But rather than wallowing in self-deprecating thoughts that you’re an incapable parent and worrying about having your salary deducted (maybe because you took unpaid leave to take care of your child who’s fell sick), there’s a much better way to cope.

Acting as a third party to your thoughts! Give yourself an outlet to air these thoughts, like through journaling. Think of these thoughts and worries as mere jumbles of words (let’s call it the ‘yada yada’ attitude), not at all related or connected to you in any way. Over time, this will become more intuitive, and these thoughts will appear merely as words on paper. Finding a way to put some distance between you and your mind will help you be less attached to stressful experiences, feel less of overwhelming emotions, and have an easier time dealing with them.

2. Accepting our Internal Experiences as They are 

When we mean internal experiences, we’re talking about thoughts, feelings, urges and so on. How do we keep ourselves from avoiding the circumstances that we cannot change, when it’s all we want to do when things get difficult?

Mindfulness. It’s a good way to learn how to accept our feelings and thoughts as they are. Acceptance requires us to actively embrace (not the same as ‘liking’ or ‘approving’) our experiences, no matter how unpleasant they are, without any attempt to change them. Taking unpaid leave is something that you just have to do sometimes, and there is nothing you could have done, or can do, to change the fact that you have to take leave.

From the wise words of our boss, “Step one — If you can do something about it, do it. Step two — if you can’t do something about it, accept it.”.

So, if you’re feeling useless or worthless for taking unpaid leave to take care of your child, just acknowledge that you’re feeling that way in that moment (e.g., I notice that I currently feel useless). Can you tell that this doesn’t mean that you’re actually useless? Being mindful of your feelings and thoughts not only loosens our attachment to them, it can also facilitate future values-based action.

3. Having Contact with the Present Moment 

How many times have you gone on “auto-pilot” and went about doing things mindlessly, only to look back and realised you’ve completely missed the details? This step requires you to not only bring your attention to focus on any given moment (like beaming laser at a point), but also involves being non-judgmental about our experiences. This will enhance our experience of the events as they occur, but also helps us behave in ways that are more consistent with what we value.

Let’s say you’re blaming yourself for taking unpaid leave to take care of your child.

You may critique yourself for spending too much time on work and neglecting your child, or regret taking too many days of leave in the past.

Here’s where things change. Instead of getting preoccupied with the past, and on what’s irreversible, why not accept what’s happening now? Describe the events to yourself objectively, and non-judgmentally, resisting the urge to label them. See the moment simply for what it is. That your child needs you. Ask yourself, what do I do now? Doing so frees you from the past (or future) and gives yourself more control over your behaviour. When you start focusing more on the present, you spend less time judging and criticising yourself.

4. Developing an Awareness of Yourself aka “Self-as-Context”

There are two distinct elements to our mind: (1) the “thinking self” and (2) the “observing self”. We are so used to operating from the thinking part of our mind that we jump to problem-solving mode at every opportunity. But now, we really want to activate the observing part of us a little more.

What about trying to gain some awareness of our experience instead of simply doing what we are accustomed to doing (e.g., generating thoughts, beliefs, judgements, etc.)? How would it feel to just mindfully observe your thoughts and feelings, instead of creating thoughts about your thoughts or judging your own emotions?

Again, mindfulness can help us (now you know why everyone preaches it!). Learn to see yourself as the constant, at the centre of everything that’s happening. Notice your thoughts, emotions, sensations as what they are. Independent of you, without any judgement about them.

5. Know What Matters – What do You Value? 

Now that we’ve learnt to embrace our internal experiences and observe them without judgment, what now?

We get to doing. We use our personal values to guide the actions we can engage in. Think of values as desired qualities that help you decide how you want to behave. Sometimes, it takes a while to know what our values are. We get caught up with life and can occasionally lose track of what’s important to us.

It’s not ideal, but it happens.

How can we be mindful of our values, despite everything that’s going on in our lives? Here are some thinking exercises to help you along the way. Spend time to think about how you want your children to remember you, or the things you would disapprove of if your loved ones did them. They can help you be clearer about the qualities that matter to you, and the ones that might not be as important. If you’re taking unpaid leave for your child, most likely you value family a lot, maybe equally or more than your career (this isn’t the same as saying your career isn’t important — you can have values about family and values about work which matter to you).

6. Take Committed Action to Act according to Values 

Credit: V-Comply

Stay with us, we’re almost done.

Once you are clear on your values, the next thing on the list is finding ways to act according to them. This involves setting goals to pave the way for a more values-consistent life. What can you do in a particular context, so that it reflects what’s important to you?

Set SMART goals (see diagram) as it’s been shown to increase the likelihood of achieving the goal.

Say, you are someone who values your family and children a lot. Your short-term goal may look like this: 

Specific: I will set aside 2 hours to be with my children every Sunday. 

Measurable: I will mark on my calendar each time I spend 2 hours with my children on Sunday.

Achievable: This is something within my ability. 

Realistic: I do not work on the weekend and can block out 2 hours every Sunday. 

Timely: I will do this over the next four weeks. 

Over time, it gets easier and more intuitive!

On its own, caregiving is already a challenge. Coupled with unpaid leave, it can sometimes overwhelm us beyond words. While we’re unable to change these situations, we have control over how we react to these situations when they occur. Undoubtedly, it will be a challenge to apply these strategies initially — especially acceptance. Know that many of your reactions are normal (and shared by hundreds of thousands of parents out there), and remember to be patient with yourself along the way!

5 Things Not to Say to Your Children

and What to Say Instead.

1.     “It is going to be fine”

What to say instead: “Everyone experiences (a negative emotion or event) sometimes. I was once faced with the same problem too, and I overcame it through (a potential solution).”

While we all know that it is bad to be overly punitive towards children, it can also be detrimental to constantly reassure them that everything is going to turn out just fine. Depending on the context, this can sometimes come off as dismissive of the child’s feelings.

If your child is feeling nervous about their upcoming class performance, telling them that they will “be fine” doesn’t really do much to address their underlying anxiety. Instead, try normalising the negative experience by reassuring them that it is normal to experience those emotions. One way to do this is to share about your own experiences in overcoming similar challenges: “It can be intimidating sometimes to perform in front of a crowd. I used to perform in theatrical productions during my school days too, and I would always practice deep breathing before taking the stage. It helped a lot with my performance anxiety.”

2.     “Don’t (do something)”

What to say instead: “Do (something else)”

Instead of telling your child to stop doing something that they are not supposed to be doing, instruct them on what they should do instead. Using a positive language would be more effective in curbing undesirable behaviours. For example, when your child is jumping on the bed, it is much clearer and more instructive to demand that they sit down or go to the living room rather than commanding them to stop jumping.

3.     “Calm down”

Source: Seebangnow

What to say instead: “I know you are feeling (a negative emotion). It looks like you need some time away in your room. Let’s talk again when you are no longer feeling (the negative emotion).”

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could calm a child by simply verbally commanding them into a state of peace of mind? While the phrase is no doubt extremely concise and direct, recall that it is never helpful to brush off your child’s negative experiences, as mentioned above. Instead, acknowledge their feelings by saying things like “I know you are angry” before guiding them in addressing their agitation.

Sometimes, however, children misbehave because they crave our attention. In this case, it is better to give them a time-out or simply ignore them and pretend to be unstirred. This signals to them that their tantrum will not be rewarded.

4.     “You are always like this/ You never (do something)”

What to say instead: “You appear to be having problems in (a particular area), let’s try (a potential solution).”

Avoid generalising your child’s misconduct, although it’s tempting to do so when we are feeling frustrated, and especially if they are repeated offenders! However, bear in mind that nothing good can ever come from shaming your child this way. Not only are accusations of this nature unfair to them—because nothing is always/never the case—you also run the risk of inculcating in them a victim mentality, which diminishes their sense of control over their life.

For instance, avoid saying things like “You are late for school again, why are you always late?” Instead, provide constructive feedback by coming up with practical solutions to address the problem together. Consider saying things like, “It seems like it’s the third time that you are late for school this month, is there anything that we could to help you be punctual?” and “Let’s try giving ourselves an additional 15 minutes to get ready for school in the morning.”

5.     “What is wrong with you?”

What to say instead: “It is wrong to (behave a particular undesirable way). Next time, try (behaving in a more desirable way).”

Again, the question blows the child’s mistake out of proportion, such that individual misbehaviours are taken to reflect some sort of inherent flaw in the child’s being. Unfortunately, this guilt-inducing comment is a common response from exasperated parents when they fail to make sense of their children’s transgressions.

While the shame and guilt might motivate your child to rectify their behaviour in the short-term, it can lead to long-lasting, self-limiting beliefs of inadequacy which can persist into adulthood. Instead of globalising a child’s actions, we can instead address the undesirable behaviour in its specifics and focus on the ways to correct it. 

For example, if you witness your child smashing their Lego model against the wall, you might be tempted to perceive it as an unhealthy expression of anger. However, it could also be the case that they are struggling to dismantle the Lego bricks and is attempting a less conventional method to take them apart.