Self-forgiveness

We are human, after all


The Importance of Self-Forgiveness for Mental Well-Being

Have you ever felt guilty about something you have done in the past? You may have offended someone or hurt their feelings, made bad decisions that harmed others, or did something you knew was wrong.

Oftentimes, when we feel guilty, we may end up engaging in self-defeating behaviors, such as believing we are not worthy of love or trust, lowered self esteem or in some cases even develop affective disorders. Ruminating on feelings of guilt, anger and shame can have negative consequences on one’s mental and physical health.

Understanding why guilt and shame affect us

Feelings of guilt, anger, and shame can be very intense, which causes the nervous system to be on high alert, pumping high levels of adrenaline into our body. Sustained surges of adrenaline over an extend period of time can lead to psychological disorders such as anxiety or depression. It may also manifest in physical symptoms, such as panic attacks, chest pains, headaches, muscle tension, stomach or digestive problems.

In order to manage these negative feelings, self-forgiveness is crucial to maintaining our psychological and physical well being. But first…

What is self-forgiveness?

Self-forgiveness a positive attitudinal shift in feelings, actions and beliefs about self, following a self-perceived wrongdoing committed by the self.

However, forgiveness is not a straightforward or easy task, so what are some steps we could take?


Steps to Manage Negative Feelings Through Self-Forgiveness

Ψ Accepting Responsibility: The First Step to Self-Forgiveness


The first step is accepting responsibility. If you find yourself making excuses, rationalising or justifying your behaviour in order to make them seem more acceptable, it may be time to accept responsibility. This may include taking responsibility for the hurt you may have caused others, or actions you may have taken that you regret.

Accepting responsibility is not the same as forgetting or moving on as if nothing happened, neither is it the same as punishing yourself for your bad decisions and wallowing in shame. Accepting responsibility is about accepting what happened and showing compassion to yourself. Self-compassion means treating your self-worth as unconditional, that is giving yourself the love, care and concern you need whenever you’re going through a tough time.

It is important to understand that we are not perfect, and to be tolerant of our shortcomings because we are all human.

Ψ Understanding Guilt


Guilt is important and normal. Feeling bad about something bad we did is natural and can even helpful at times. For instance, guilt serves as motivation for us to do better next time. However, shame, which involves negative feelings about self such as feelings of worthlessness, is often associated with defensive strategies such as avoidance, denial or even physical violence. Shame may cause you to feel like you’re a bad person at the core, undermining your efforts to self-improvement or self-forgiveness. Shame-based thinking is a core belief that colors our world-view, and perpetuates self-defeating thoughts. One way we can break free from this negative pattern is by challenging your shame-based thoughts.

Some questions you can ask yourself are:

  • How do I know it’s true?

  • What proof do I have that supports this claim?

  • What experiences do I have that show that this belief is not completely true all the time?

  • Is this thought helpful or hurtful?

Guilt, on the other hand, may help us realise that our actions were bad, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. Therefore expressing remorse is an important step in making amends.




Ψ Restoring Trust: Actions to Move Past Guilt

One way to move past your guilt is by taking actions to restore the trust lost. This is not only important when it comes to forgiveness to others, but also to yourself. Making amends to the self is about taking concrete actions to right the wrong (whether it be to others or yourself). One way we could do that is by apologizing to the party we have hurt. For an apology to be sincere, it has to:

  1. Acknowledge the hurt caused

  2. Admit that your actions were wrong

  3. Explain why you regret it

  4. Describe what you would have done differently in the future so that it does not happen again


Navigating the Journey of Self-Forgiveness

It is important to be able to recognise when you should take responsibility, versus when things are beyond your control. We should be mindful to not over attribute blame on ourselves in situations we have no control of, especially in cases of abuse, trauma or loss. Lastly, if you find yourself struggling to forgive yourself, individual counseling may help.

Remember: Bad Actions Don’t Make You a Bad Person

it merely means that you made some bad choices.

Self-forgiveness does not have a one size fits all approach, and is different for everyone.

Self-forgiveness is not easy and we may slip up at times. And that’s okay, that’s normal. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Progress is not linear nor will everything go smoothly during the first try – so try again.  So have empathy for yourself, and work towards being a better person one step at a time!

How to Cope with Guilt about Breaking Up

中文版: 如何应对分手后的负罪感

It is okay to feel

The Emotional Complexity of Initiating a Breakup

It is commonly misunderstood that people who initiate a breakup will cope better than the person they break it off with. This is not always true. Initiators can experience complex emotions such as guilt on top of sadness upon the breakup. Experiencing guilt for initiating a breakup is common, even if the relationship ended off in amicable terms.

If you have just initiated or are thinking of initiating a breakup and are experiencing guilt, know that it is okay to feel. It is normal to feel this way after a relationship ends. Your emotions are valid but that does not mean that you did anything wrong, or that you deserve to feel this way. While guilt is an empathetic response and a feeling of being responsible for the effects of your actions on them, it can cause a lot of distress.

Here are some ways to cope with guilt about a breakup: “S.E.L.F-C.A.R.E”

S - Seek social support and help (to manage breakup guilt)


Express or disclose your feelings of guilt to a close family member or friend who you trust. Do not be afraid to let them know how they can best support you. It is okay to turn to others for support as you lose your main pillar of support. Be comfortable initiating outings with your close friends and surround yourself with people who care for you.

Going for therapy can help you cope with difficult emotions and address the guilt in a helpful and adaptive manner. If you would like to share and process your emotions with someone, you may consider speaking to our clinical psychologists, like Dr Annabelle and Stephanie, who have extensive experience with providing guidance on relationship difficulties, emotional dysregulation, and equipping clients with the coping skills needed to get through this difficult time. You do not have to go through this alone.

E - Engage in self-reflection (to understand your feelings of guilt)


Reflect on the reasons for your feelings of guilt. Are you feeling guilty about hurting your ex-partner or are you feeling guilty for not trying harder for the relationship? Or perhaps you are feeling guilty because of how your family and friends react to your breakup? Everyone has their own unique reasons and it is always beneficial to be aware of the reasons behind your emotions so that you can take active steps to understand the validity of these reasons.

There may also be times where you do not know you are feeling a certain way after a breakup. When that happens, take the time you need to figure this out yourself, with your loved ones or a clinical psychologist.

L - Look at your relationship objectively to overcome guilt


Guilt can cause you to second guess your decision on ending the relationship and forget about all the negative experiences or the reasons for the breakup. Remind yourself of your intention to leave the relationship.

Grab a piece of paper and pen, and list out the reasons. Refer to them as many times as you need. This can also serve to remind you that building and sustaining a healthy relationship is a shared responsibility; it is not one person’s sole responsibility that the relationship has come to an end.

F - Focus on putting your own needs first


Hurting isn’t a competition. It may be painful for your partner to experience losing you now, but his or her pain is not more important than yours. It is okay to put your own needs first and that does not make you a selfish person. If being in your current relationship is painful or does not serve your needs, you have every right to let it go.

C - Come to realise what breaking up is not

“The only thing worse than breaking up is not breaking up when you know you are supposed to.” - Adonis Lenzy

Breaking up is not a wrong thing to do. It is not disregarding your ex-partner’s feelings. It is not ruining your ex-partner’s life. Ending a relationship does not make you a horrible person.

A - Acknowledge that you are being honest when you end the relationship


You owe your partner honesty and respect; not unwavering commitment when you know you no longer can or will not. It takes a lot of courage to be honest about your feelings in a relationship. It is not an easy decision to make, even if it is the right thing to do. Acknowledge that this is the right thing to do, and this hard decision is the best for both of you, including your partner, in the long term. 

R - Release your responsibility to your ex-partner


When the relationship has ended, release your responsibility to them and focus on healing yourself. You are no longer his or her partner and thus, you are no longer liable for their care, and neither are they.

Ψ Recognize what you can control and what you cannot. What is within your control is your honesty and respect towards your ex-partner. How they respond and take care of themselves emotionally are, unfortunately, out of your control.

Ψ Establish healthy boundaries with your ex-partner. If your ex-partner is causing you distress about the breakup, even unintentionally, maintaining some physical and emotional distance may be necessary. Do not feel obligated to respond when your ex-partner reaches out to you. This is not easy, especially if he or she seems vulnerable or expresses feelings that mirror your own. Remind yourself that you both need time and space to work through those difficult emotions.

E - Engage in self-compassion during and after a breakup


Be kind to yourself.

Ψ Imagine a close friend experiencing the same thing as you, what would you say to that friend? Try using the same words for yourself. Write a letter to yourself.

Ψ Remember that your thoughts are not always accurate reflections of reality.  Notice your critic and remind yourself of the positive effects of ending the relationship.

Ψ Reframe negative self-talk. Changing negative thoughts to positive thoughts can be quite a jump, you can try working towards neutrality first by lowering the intensity of your language. For example, changing “I can’t stand this” to “this is challenging”, “I am an extremely horrible person” to “I am having a thought that I am a horrible person”.

Ψ Practice self-forgiveness. This can be done by expressing remorse and regret instead of shame, viewing the breakup as a learning experience and accepting yourself as an imperfect being, just like the rest of us.

Breakups are never easy, but when you’re dealing with feelings of guilt on top of heartbreak, moving on can feel impossible. If you’re struggling with breakup guilt, acknowledge your feelings, engage in self-reflection, and be kind to yourself — these are all important steps in overcoming guilt and moving on with your life.

Burnout: The Secret Ingredient

Why Some People Get Burnt Out While Others Don’t

Do you dread going to work and feel exhausted by it?
Do you think that you are unable to perform at work?
Have you become more cynical or critical at work? 

If your answer to any of these questions is a “yes”, you might be experiencing burnout. These are the three dimensions characterizing burnout in an occupational context.

Burnout is not a psychological disorder, but an occupational phenomenon that negatively affects a person emotionally, physically, and mentally due to chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed.

Burnout affects 37% of Singaporeans in the working world. People working in high-intensity and emotionally taxing jobs, such as healthcare and law, are more susceptible to experiencing burnout. So what causes burnout to occur? 

Factors that can lead to burnout:

  • Work-life imbalance  

  • Perceived lack of control in job-related decisions 

  • Dysfunctional workplace dynamic  

  • Lack of social support from family and friends 

  • Unrealistic expectations from higher-ups 

  • Lack of recognition for work done 

  • Long working hours  

“I’m burnt out, so what? So is everyone else right?”

Job burnout has significant consequences on both our physical and mental health, e.g. increased vulnerability to illnesses, alcohol or substance misuse, insomnia, and depressive symptoms. Professional consequences such as job satisfaction and absenteeism may arise as well. These consequences have detrimental impacts on our lives and it ought to be taken seriously. Burnout is unlikely to resolve by itself and will only worsen if it is not addressed. It can last from weeks to even years! Therefore, we should take active steps to prevent burnout or address burnout as soon as possible and seek help whenever needed.

Everyone experiences stress at various points in our lives and we know that stress often leads to burnout. If that’s the case, why doesn’t everyone experience burnout? Why do some people get burnt out while others do not?

The secret ingredient is emotional intelligence (EI).


Emotional intelligence is the ability to control the emotions of oneself and others, to distinguish them from each other, and to apply this information to guide one’s own thinking and action. Research has shown that people with high EI tend to better cope with stress and achieve individual success, thereby preventing burnouts, while people with low EI are more likely to experience burnouts.

Understanding Burnout: The Role of Emotional Intelligence and How it Helps Prevent Burnout

1. The ability to accurately perceive, assess, and express emotions 

Being self-aware of your emotions helps in understanding the sources of your feelings, attitudes, and rationales, as well as their effect on others. This will enhance your ability to seek different responses and avoid pent-up negative emotions that would lead to burnouts.  

2. Using emotions to enhance cognitive processes

Changing our perspective of a situation can help relieve stress as we see a troubling issue as just a problem to solve. Directing our negative emotions such as anxiety and frustration into problem-solving mode rather than allowing the situation to affect us during and after work will prevent us from feeling stressed up constantly. The ability to think before you act in an emotional event would allow you to find suitable solutions more quickly and apply emotional resources reasonably, thus minimizing the possibility of failure. 

3. The power of empathy 

Empathy enables us to recognize, understand, and care about others and their emotional reactions. As we experience the world through others’ perspectives, we enhance our ability to gain trust and influence others. This means that we are likely to find the help we need when our stress level gets out of hand.

4. Regulating emotions to manage stress and preven burnout.

Adjusting our perception of the work environment and the emotional stimuli from the environment enable us to remain calm, control impulses, and behave appropriately under stress. This prevents us from acting rashly or making any impulse decisions. Some people can even regulate the intensity and duration of certain emotional experiences to accomplish what they want to achieve.

“Well, I understand that emotional intelligence is important, but what should I do to cope with burnout? What can I do to manage my emotions?”

Fret not, we’ve got some advicefor you!

Practical Tips to Manage Stress and Avoid Burnout:

Ψ Be kind to yourself: reducing self-imposed pressure

We often put immense pressure on ourselves to do better at work or to seem productive at all times, especially for those who have high expectations of themselves. Many times we overthink or become anxious for situations that have yet to come or might not even happen at all. We understand that sometimes we can't help but place high levels of stress on ourselves, especially in a society that places a great emphasis on performance and to always be prepared. However, it is equally important to treat yourself kindly. We should strive to strike a balance between performance and our well-being. Performance is important, but without you, there can be no performance. We should celebrate our small victories and milestones, not be afraid to take breaks whenever necessary and practice mindfulness when we catch ourselves overthinking or being anxious, as we continue to work hard through our journey. 

Ψ Embracing mindfulness to combat burnout

Engaging in mindfulness practices is proven to reduce anxiety and relieve stress, and is increasingly used to reduce the risk of burnouts. Here is an example of a mindfulness activity that you can practice for a few minutes each day: To stay focused on your breath flow, and be fully aware of your senses and feelings at the moment. This can be hard at first, but practice makes perfect! This practice would allow us to face situations with an open mind and remain calm, fully aware of our thoughts and emotions so as to act rationally and come up with suitable solutions.

Ψ Know your limits, managing workload effectively

It is important to know how much workload you can take on just like knowing how much you can eat in a meal. You can get indigestion if you eat too much and similarly, you will suffer consequences when you overestimate your abilities. Discuss with your supervisor to reach a compromisation of work to be done and expectations to be met, or seek help if the demands are beyond your capabilities. Set goals and to-do lists based on the urgency and important matrix to avoid being overwhelmed with work all the time.  

Ψ Change your perspective of the situation

Do you perceive the situation to negatively impact the things that you value? Or do you see it as just another problem to solve at work? Reevaluating your perspective to determine whether you are feeling distress or eustress can greatly influence your stress level. An issue that causes you to be stressed out at work can be seen as a challenge to improve yourself that should not bother you after work. 

Ψ Seek social support to overcome burnout

Don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it! Reach out to any of your family members, friends, or co-workers whenever you feel overwhelmed. The support you can get from them might just be what you need to pull through. If your company provides an employee assistance program, don’t be afraid to take advantage of such services. You may also wish to seek professional help with one of our clinical psychologists to help cope with your burnouts or any other issues you have affecting your mental health!

You are not alone. Annabelle Psychology is home to Care for Yourself™ - an employer-funded Employee Assistance Program. This program provides employees and managers with access to counselling and psychological services based in Singapore to help them manage personal and work-based issues. For more information, click here.

How to Practice Active Listening

How to Be A Good Listener

Are you really listening to someone?


Have your loved ones felt worse after sharing their experience with you? Or have you felt misunderstood and not heard by your loved ones after confiding in them?

These are common encounters and it is frustrating to not be able to help our loved ones feel better. So how can we prevent such situations and improve on our understanding of others? The answer is to practice active listening! 

What is active listening?

Active listening is a technique of listening and responding that encourages in-depth comprehension and enhances mutual understanding. It emphasizes the importance of both nonverbal and verbal behaviours, unconditional acceptance, and unbiased reflection of the speaker’s feelings and experiences.

Active listening is commonly used in situations such as during counselling, training, getting feedbacks, and solving disputes. It is also an important part of effective communication and building trusting relationships! 

The powerful benefits of being an active listener

1. Build trust and stronger bonds through active listening 

Knowing that they will not be judged or interrupted when sharing, people will feel safe and comfortable to confide in you. This is very important when it comes to building trust and relationships. And when you engage in more conversations and sharing with others, you will get to know the speaker more and form a stronger and closer bond together! 

2. How active listening resolves miscommunication issues  

Any miscomprehension of information can be corrected and processed to prevent further misunderstanding. When we ask questions, we are gathering the information we need to solve any communication problems. We will get to clarify the intentions and true feelings of others, which may have come across to us differently.   

3. The role of active listening in capturing and retaining key information 

Research has shown that we can remember conversations better when we are actively contributing to the conversation. Active learning allows us to listen and participate in the conversation such that we won’t miss out on important information and can remember them better.    

4. Emotional benefits of active listening 

Active listening creates a sense of emotional awareness that helps the speakers feel better as the listeners acknowledge their feelings. The neutral setting and non-judgemental environment also help the speakers to keep calm and not get defensive. This also prevents them from bottling up their emotions, which will only make them feel worse and result in more problems in the future.

Now that we know the importance and impact of active listening in our day-to-day interactions, it’s time to learn about the skills involved! 

Mastering active listening skills to become a better listener, for better communication 

Ψ Be Present In The Conversation 

  • Face the speaker with an open posture (e.g. arms and legs uncrossed) to show your interest in the conversation and that you are giving your full attention. 

  • Maintain eye contact to show respect to the speaker and that you are actively listening.  

  • Give small nods or a simple verbal comment (e.g. uh-huh/mm hmm) to encourage the speaker to continue sharing without being interruptive.  

  • Avoid turning your attention to surrounding factors and put aside distracting thoughts! 
     

Ψ Do not interrupt when the speaker is sharing 

  • Allow the speaker to finish talking before asking questions or responding. 

  • Do not prepare to counter with a rebuttal — we are not here to put down anyone or make counterarguments to determine who is right or wrong!  

  • Have a short wait time after the speaker spoke as it will sometimes prompt him/her to add on more details that he/she is reluctant or hesitate to share previously  

Ψ Be observant during conversations  

  • Observe the speaker’s body language — is he/she showing signs of nervousness or anxiety despite saying he/she is fine?   

  • Notice the tone of his/her voice.  

  • Listen between the lines — what does the speaker want, how does he/she truly feel? 

Ψ Clarifying questions 

  • Does the speaker want solutions or advice from us or simply just want us to empathize with him/her? 

  • This allows better understanding as our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear and understand.  

  • E.g. “I don’t understand what you meant by…”, “What do you mean when you said...”, “Would you prefer if I suggest solutions or just be a listening ear?”
     

Ψ Rephrase or summarise what you heard 

  • This will help you process and reflect on what you heard. 

  • The speaker can correct you if there is any misinterpretation. 

  • The speaker will feel heard and understood by you. 

  • E.g. “Am I right to say that...”, “….is that what you mean?”, “Sounds like you are saying...” 




Fun fact: Did you know that our short-term memory can only hold information for up to 30 seconds?

Therefore, we need to actively listen to one another to make sure there is no miscommunication and we can bring our message across accurately. It is also important to treat others in a way that you think they would appreciate or you would want them to treat you. It takes time and conscious effort to become a better listener, but with practice and love for your loved ones, you will definitely master active listening quickly! 

You may also wish to seek professional help with one of our experienced clinical psychologists together with your loved ones to have an in-depth discussion on how to improve your communication skills and forge stronger relationships! 

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Understanding Healthy Boundaries: What Are They and Why Are They Important?

Boundaries set intangible and tangible limits to life. Boundaries are essential yet often difficult to establish.  

“I don’t want conflicts, it’s just easier this way.” 

“Sigh, my boss asked me to OT out of nowhere, I already had plans, I wished he told me sooner.” 

“I only gave in to him (intimate partner) because I’m afraid he would think that I don’t love him otherwise.” 

Do these statements sound familiar?

Many times, we struggle to set boundaries in our daily lives in fear that it will cause unnecessary conflicts or it will make us look bad. As a result, we may face inconveniences; be it doing things out of our way or getting bullied into doing things we may not be 100% comfortable with.

This is fortunately very common and you’re not alone for the sole reason that we, humans, are social creatures. We place great value in the relationships around us, and sometimes in the process, may forgo ourselves and our own needs.

However, setting healthy boundaries are essential for our mental and physical health, because your needs matter too! Here are some steps to kickstart creating healthy boundaries in your life:

The Art of Enforcing Boundaries: Tips for Establishing and Maintaining Healthy Limits

1. Take a step back and think about what matters most to you 

Some questions to get the ball rolling: 

  1. What is important to you?  

  2. What are your values?  

  3. What are some things that make you uncomfortable?

  4. What are some things you have difficulty asking for?  

This helps you organize your thoughts and understand what you feel strongly for, what your values are, and what your priorities are. Doing so allows you to gain a clearer idea on what boundaries you would like to put in place.  

2. Be clear and precise when stating what matters to you 

You want to be heard and understood with clarity. Allowing others to first understand your boundaries will reduce misunderstandings, and stop the vicious cycle of constantly feeling like your boundaries are being violated. 

Here’s an example:

You may have a personal boundary of not wanting others to invade your personal space. When you fail to let this boundary be known, and get upset or angry when your personal space is being violated, others may misunderstand this as you being upset further violated your personal space with the intention to comfort you. This could result in you feeling more uncomfortable as your personal space is being violated. This can be avoided with the communication of your boundary. 

You may want to attempt this with those you’re most comfortable with, such as your partner, family members, or close friends. 

An example of being clear and precise when delivering your boundaries to others:  

 
 

3. Be assertive when stating your boundaries and follow through with the consequences you’ve stated should the boundary be violated 

Avoid engaging in the subsequent feelings of guilt or shame of that boundary, you may waiver in that situation. Not following through with the consequences you’ve stated will reduce the respect one has for the boundary you’ve stated. 

An example of delivering your boundaries assertively:  

 
 

In this case, if individual still proceeds with vulgarities, leave the conversation instead of continuing to engage in the conversation.

4. Don’t be sorry or afraid when asking for help, even with the possibility of rejection  

We tend to subconsciously start off a sentence with “I’m sorry but…” when asking for help. It is completely normal to ask for help, so be confident about it. Your needs are as important as other people’s needs. Asking for help does not mean you are incompetent, but rather, a task could simply require additional clarification or it could be out of your area of expertise - this happens to even the best of us.

However, there are times where help may not readily come your way when you need them. Respectfully accept the “no” just like how you would like your “no” to be respectfully accepted and find someone else who can help you.

5. Don’t be afraid to say “no” 

This may be difficult for some in fear of “looking bad” or “being viewed as lazy or not a team player”. However, as much it is important to help others, it should not be done at the expense of yourself. This is in not suggesting that you be selfish or self-centered, but to respect the boundaries of your personal time, personal capabilities, and what may be out of your control.   

Saying “no” can be done assertively yet respectfully.  

Examples of ways you can say “no” assertively yet respectfully:  

 
 

6. Be in charge of your own needs  

This will require you to understand what matters most to you. You know yourself best, including your needs. Avoid depending on others to meet your needs or to tell you what is best for you. Setting boundaries based on your own needs is in no way being selfish, but a form of self-love and self-care. Be fair to yourself and be mindful about putting yourself in avoidable situations that may end up being undesirable.   

Establishing clear healthy boundaries may be uncomfortable for some, but remember that your needs matter too. Start off with those closest to you to build your confidence! 

Struggling With Food During Festive Seasons

Coping with disordered eating during festive seasons

Food has traditionally facilitated social interactions throughout human history.

It is no surprise then that food is integral to many holidays we celebrate, such as Chinese New Year reunion dinners (cue lou hei celebrations – but no verbal exhortations whether or not auspicious or propitious!), Thanksgiving feasts (think Turkey), or Iftar (or more commonly known as “buka puasa”) where we get to stuff ourselves with the delicious rendang that Nenek makes. 

Having to face these delicious foods would make most drool, but for someone with an eating disorder, festive seasons could be viewed as terrifying experiences. Being in a situation abundant with food is likely to trigger anxious thoughts in someone with an eating disorder, especially if they have only just begun the recovery process. The enticing smell of good food, abundance of appetising snacks, pressure of having to eat and judgment from relatives adds stress on top of the person’s struggle to handle their eating disorder. For example, people with binge eating urges might find it difficult to control their urges when faced with large amounts of food. Coupled with the provoking questions relatives tend to ask (“ah girl ah, you so thin why you never eat anything at all ah?”), it is only normal that negative thoughts begin to surface.  

What are eating disorders? 

Eating disorders are psychological conditions characterised by unhealthy and disordered eating habits and are often associated with anxiety and depression.


Social media’s relentless portrayal of extreme thinness as the ideal standard of beauty has been named as one major factor responsible for the increasing prevalence of eating disorders. Another major cause of Eating Disorders is the desire for absolute control over an aspect of their lives - especially the individual has little to no control over other things. 

An Insight into Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating

The common presentations of eating disorders are: 

Ψ Anorexia Nervosa: persistent restriction of energy intake below minimal requirements

Ψ Bulimia Nervosa: binge eating with compensatory behaviours to prevent weight gain such as purging, fasting, or excessive exercise

Ψ Binge Eating Disorder: binge eating without compensatory behaviours

 
 

Helping Those with Eating Disorders Cope

So how can we cope or help those around us cope with their eating disorders during the festive seasons? Here are some tips you can adopt or help your friend with.

1. Form a support network

One doesn’t have to go through the struggle alone. If you’re suffering from an eating disorder, turn to a friend and reach out whenever you experience your triggers. Share your feelings and talk about them.

If someone close to you is going through a tough time, be there for them. Ask about their thoughts and feelings at the moment and actively listen to what they have to say. Acknowledge and validate the feelings that they are experiencing. It’s okay if you don’t understand what they are going through, just being there is enough for them. Avoid making judgments about their body shape or passing commenting on the choice or quality of food (eg. fat content, calories, etc).

2. Come up with a sustainable plan   

Come up with a plan for situations you anticipate might be stressful and list ways to overcome them. Think about your potential triggers and come up ways to cope. For example, if sitting near a particular relative triggers your urge to watch what you eat for fear or judgement or reprisal, it’s alright to (politely) move away and sit someplace else.

Your plan can also include foods you want to eat or wish to avoid. Employ helpful coping statements such as “I don’t have to eat all of this food now because I am in control of myself” or “I don’t have to restrict myself from having this food because I have a plan, and I know that my plan works”.

Give yourself permission to eat whatever you feel like eating, within reason of course. By unnecessarily restricting your intake of certain foods, it could lead you to feeling out of control and powerless around food. Instead, give yourself permission to enjoy the food in front of you and remind yourself of your coping statements.

3. Practice mindful eating  

Enjoy your food in a different manner. Slow down your eating process and think about what you’re eating and where your food comes from. Describe them in terms of their taste, texture or smell and savour the experience. Choose a few foods and repeat this process, each time thinking about what and why you enjoy them. This way, you can improve your relationship with food.

Mindful eating is also recognising when your body is full. Our bodies send a signal to our brains when it is full, but this signal arrives at our brain only after about 20 minutes. Learn to recognise and differentiate what are your body’s hunger signals versus your emotional hunger triggers.

4. Cultivating self-compassion  

It is incredibly brave to face a situation like this head-on. Recognise that you are stepping out of your comfort zone and challenging your unhealthy thoughts and behaviours. It’s alright if you don’t succeed at first in your plans. You are strong and extremely courageous for doing this!

Instagram Therapy

Is it Therapy?

Is Instagram therapy enough?

It is important to first clarify is that “Instagram therapy” is not a form of psychotherapy. In fact, it is not “therapy” at all!

What is Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy requires committed engagement with trained psychologists who utilise evidence-based techniques and approaches to investigate a mental health concern and work with the client collaboratively to reduce or minimise the impairment or impact of the mental health concern. Therapy must be specific and customised as no two persons are completely alike; we each have unique life experiences and circumstances.

Psychotherapy vs. Instagram Therapy

This means that the content or engagement published on Instagram or Facebook should not be regarded as therapy. At best, such content should be regarded as a type of psychoeducational content.

And as with all other kinds of purported educational content, we must think about how the content is delivered and whether they are credible or helpful.

According to the internet, there are roughly 1 billion users on Instagram, 1.2 billion users on Tik Tok, and 2.9 billion users on Facebook. Social media has become a ubiquitous medium for content consumption that can be harnessed for a good cause.

But not everything you read might be applicable or useful, or worse, true.

Navigating Instagram Therapy: Differentiating Psychoeducation from Professional Help

Many users of social media use these platforms to follow or create interesting content, advance personal or professional goals, or associate with like-minded people. It should come as no surprise that content creators want to create content that users want to consume, focusing on the usual metrics of increasing likes and followers or monetising their followers. There is a ton of mental health information that is shared online every day, often by self-proclaimed experts with little experience, research, or actual clinical practice, often with the aim of gaining followers or likes.

Over time, many come to rely on these celebrity psychologists for their ‘daily dose’ and mistaking that as a connection with the psychologist on some level, or worse, regarding that content as online or group therapy.

Some say that mental health channels on social media are like self-help books: addictive, unhelpful, and designed to keep you coming back for more.

It is against this backdrop that we should analyse mental health information that we consume on the Internet.

So when you next scroll through the pages of your favourite Instagram Therapists or Psychologists, please bear these in mind:

Ψ Is the content from a reliable source?
Ψ What are the factors motivating the content creator to produce this content?
Ψ Does this person spend more time on clinical practice or on social media?

Social Media Ethics in Mental Health

It is important to note that:

Ψ Social media is not a substitute for therapy.

  • Reading mental health information online can help you understand or learn something about yourself, but it is not a replacement for formal therapy.

Ψ No therapy can be done over social media.

  • While well-meaning psychologists might create content to psychoeducate the general public, others blindly produce or reproduce material to attract likes and followers with the intention of aggressively promoting their services.

Ψ Social media should not be relied upon during a crisis.

  • Mental health content should be viewed purely for what they are – generic, non-specific and informational in nature that serves a vital psychoeducational purpose within the community.

  • Because non-mental health professionals are very likely the target audience of such psychoeducational material, it must go without saying that psychologists and other mental health professionals should abide by regulatory, professional, and ethical guidelines when dispensing mental health information whether on online or during clinical practice.

Psychology on Social Media: A Tool for Destigmatizing Mental Health Issues

When presented responsibly, psychologists on social media help to break the stigma associated with mental health. They break down complex mental health conditions into digestible bite chunks for any person with a smart device to consume. They explain difficult psychological disorders and concepts with infographics, animation, and beautiful pictures. The amount of useful information that is put out by some of these professionals who have dedicated years of their lives to acquire their knowledge and expertise is staggering.

And of course, some are visually beautiful presented and simply a delight to consume.

Keep calm and scroll on!

 

Annabelle

Dealing with Work Stress

Work Stress

When stress becomes excessive

中文版


Navigating Work Stress

It is important to know that it is normal to feel stressed from time to time. Some people find that stress is an excellent motivator at work, but there can be too much of good thing.

Sources of Work Stress

There are many reasons why work might be a source of stress. Perhaps a relationship at work is causing us sleepless nights, or we were passed over for that promised promotion, or our ever-increasing workload has become a problem. In our new reality, given that working from home has become part of our working lives, we might struggle with working from home because of an unconducive home environment. Or perhaps we might struggle from how different everything has become after the pandemic.

Whatever the reason, it’s important that we identify and address these stressors. Do any of these symptoms of unhealthy stress apply to you?

Identifying Unhealthy Stress Symptoms

Work Stress Management: Strategies for Maintaining Mental Wellness

If work is causing you to experience unhealthy levels of stress to the point that it impedes your daily functioning, there are some practical steps you can take to address work stress:

Ψ Speak to your employer. Have a conversation with your line manager and openly discuss any problems you’re having at work. Stress often decreases your ability to work productively – your supervisor has an incentive to ensure your health and comfort. 

Ψ Talk to a trusted friend or family member. Often times, accepting help from loved ones could allow you to manage stress better. You might feel better if you have a strong support system to rely on when things feel difficult. 

Ψ Establish boundaries. Consider some level of separation between your personal and professional life. For example, not being contactable at weekends or not checking work e-mails at home. Establishing a work-life balance takes time and effort, but the results will pay off eventually. 

Ψ Take some time off work. It is important that you take time off for yourself occasionally. Doing this prevents overwork and burnout. Disconnecting in a way that fits your needs and preferences allows you to return to work in a better state. 

Ψ Reconsider negative thoughts. When you’re stressed, it’s easy to develop tunnel vision. You might start overgeneralising (e.g. everyone is always like this), magnifying (e.g. I couldn’t do this and therefore I’m incompetent), or minimising (e.g. My boss complimented me but I’m sure he didn’t mean it). These thinking patterns are unhealthy and may lead to further stress. But with conscious effort you can reconsider and reframe negative thoughts, thereby relieving stress. 

Ψ Develop healthy coping mechanisms. It might be tempting to crack open a beer or reach for another cigarette, but these coping mechanisms might lead to negative consequences like poorer health. You might consider exercising more often or other relaxation methods to deal with your work stress instead. 

If you do not find that these methods work for you or if you are concerned about the high levels of stress you are facing at work, our clinical psychologists at Annabelle Psychology are here to help and work with you in an empathetic and collaborative manner to help you best cope with the stressors you experience at work. Should you have any inquiries, please feel free to contact us and find out more!

How to Forgive Someone

The Art of Forgiveness

How do I forgive someone when they have brought me so much hurt?

Who hasn’t been hurt by the actions or words of another? Be it from your family or friends (or even a stranger!), we are likely to encounter situations where others say or do something that hurts us deeply. When this occurs, it is normal to experience and to cling onto feelings of anger, resentment, and pain. On the other side of the same coin, forgiveness is challenging – in fact, it is one of the toughest things to do.

What is forgiveness?

Even the term “forgiveness” is a tricky one. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean entirely forgiving the person or condoning their actions. Instead, forgiveness means that you make an active decision to accept what has happened rather than hanging onto the “could’ve” and “should’ve”. It involves letting go and freeing yourself from the hurt and pain that others have caused. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you and brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

Why should I forgive others? Why should I make the effort to forgive when holding onto the negative feelings seem so much easier? 

Forgiving someone can certainly be difficult and it is even harder when the other party does not seem apologetic. Despite this, forgiveness is the healthiest path forward. Forgiveness comes with an array of positive benefits on our mental and physical well-being, including increased self-confidence, optimism, reduced stress, and having a more positive outlook on life.

How do I forgive someone? Understanding and Letting Go of Anger and Resentment

One way to look at the situation is from an acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) approach. ACT involves acknowledging and accepting unwanted experiences that are beyond your control and committing to engage in concrete actions that will improve and enrich your life instead.  

ACTing Towards Forgiveness

Let’s take a look at how the 6 core processes of ACT can be helpful with the process of forgiveness:  

1. Cognitive Defusion  

Cognitive defusion involves learning to recognize that thoughts, memories, feelings, and other cognitions are simply bits of language and images that are nonthreatening, nor are they hard truths and facts. To do so, take on a third-person perspective when looking at what is going on in your mind – just like stepping back and viewing your reflection in a mirror! Separate the unpleasant and unwelcome cognitions from yourself. The opposite of this is known as cognitive fusion, where you get entangled in your thoughts, memories, and feelings. 

Rather than replaying the event and wallowing in anger, there’s a better way to cope. One method is through journaling, which turns thoughts and worries into mere words that are not related to you. 

It sounds difficult, that’s for sure. But with practice, you should ultimately learn to face negative experiences and come out the other side with a decreased fixation on the hurt and pain experienced.

2. Acceptance  

When others cause us any form of hurt, it is normal to experience negative emotions. In fact, it is often these intense emotions that make it so hard to forgive someone. Whenever we experience hurt and anger, it is practically instinctive for us to try to avoid it and quash them. After all, no one enjoys wallowing in negativity. Rather than suppressing those emotions, try practicing accepting them instead. Acceptance involves allowing those unpleasant experiences to exist and embracing them without trying to deny or change them. It does not necessarily mean endorsement or justification, but simply acknowledging that you don’t have power or control over the past. 

For example, you may feel resentment towards your parents for failing to spend time with you as a child. You may feel upset and resentment as a result. However, it has already happened and there is nothing you can do to change the past. So, if you’re feeling angry, it is okay to acknowledge that you feel that way.  

By opening up and allowing your unpleasant feelings to come and go without struggling with, running from, or giving them undue attention, we find ourselves much less bothered by them. This also enables those feelings to move on more quickly, instead of hanging around and bothering us. 

3. Contact with the Present Moment  

How often do you find yourself mindlessly going back in time, revisiting something that happened and imagining all the other ways it could have panned out? 

This step requires you to re-focus on your present environment and self in a non-judgemental manner, and less on what has happened in the past or may happen in the future. When you experience the present world with more openness, interest, and receptiveness, you will have a greater ability to behave in a manner that is more in line with the values that you hold. 

Let’s say you are upset at a friend who stabbed you in the back. You may spend time reliving the moment, critiquing your friend’s actions, or regretting not telling them off.  

Although it is natural for negative experiences to grab our attention (this is known as the negativity bias!), we also have to acknowledge that past events are irreversible. You could have responded better, you should have known better, but you cannot change the past — so why not try to accept what is happening right now? As you immerse yourself in the present, describe events to yourself in an objective manner as they occur without placing any judgments or labels on them. Doing so will free you from the hurtful past (or future) and give you more control over your behaviour. When you start focusing more on the present, you spend less time judging and criticising both yourself and others. 

4. The Observing Self 

When we think of our self, what commonly comes to mind is our physical self (our body) and our thinking self (our mind). This “thinking self” is always hard at work as we try to understand the world and problem-solve whenever we can. However, there is another part of our self that steps back and simply observes without getting involved in the battle of our thoughts. This is the “observing self”. 

The observing self is not a thought or a feeling per se, but more of an awareness that you are thinking and feeling because you are aware of your thoughts and emotions.  

“I am my body, and I am more than my body; I am my feelings and I am more than my feelings; I am my mind and yet I am more than my mind.” 

As we go through life, our thoughts and feelings constantly change: at times you feel anxious, sad, angry, or frustrated. Instead of dwelling about your thoughts and judging your own emotions, why not try to simply observe and be aware of your own flow of experiences without attachments and investments? When this happens, defusion and acceptance is fostered. The observing self will allow you to observe difficult thoughts, feelings, and memories as peripheral aspects of ourselves, but as they constantly change, they are not the essence of who we are. By engaging the observing self as we encounter unpleasant experiences, we often find that things we were dreading become much less bothersome than they were before, giving us the capacity to disidentify from pain and unhappiness, making experiences more bearable. 

5. Values – What matters to you? 

Now that we’ve learnt to embrace our internal experiences and to observe them non-judgementally, the next step is to get to doing. 

How do we do this? We use our core values to guide our behaviour. Think of values as the qualities you care the most about. They have to do with what sort of person you want to be, what principles you want to stand for in life, and what you ultimately experience as your true drive that you choose to work towards. Values help you to steer your actions toward what is meaningful to you and is important in motivating you to make significant changes so you can lead a fulfilling life. When we are guided by our values, not only do we experience a greater sense of purpose and joy, but we also see that life can be rich and meaningful even when “bad” things are happening to us. 

Sometimes, when we get caught up with life, we may lose track of our values or even be unclear of what they are. Although this is not ideal, we can acknowledge that it happens, and make an effort to be mindful of our values moving forward. 

How then, can we be mindful of our values? One way is to take some time to think about how you want to be remembered, or the things that you would disapprove of if others did them. Perhaps you may realize that you value empathy and compassion. While these values may clash with the hurt that you are experiencing, the reality is that we sometimes must prioritize one value of another, asking ourselves “What is most important at this moment in my life that will help me be the person I want to be so I can lead a meaningful and fulfilling life?”

6. Take Committed Actions According to your Values 

You’re almost there, this is the final step! 

Now that you have a clearer sense of the values you wish to live by, the last step is to engage in actual behaviors that are guided by your values even in the presence of obstacles. You can do so by setting goals that are in line with your personal values and beliefs. This allows you to create a fulfilling and satisfying quality of life! 

Committed actions means engaging in large patterns of effective action that are driven and guided by core values. To be effective, you must be willing to be flexible. Life will inevitably change, throw different kinds of challenges at you, and there will be occasions where your behaviours fall short. Being flexible means that you take the time to reassess your actions and get them back in line with your values. This can be achieved by setting realistic goals based on your values and gets easier with time and practice!

Indeed, forgiveness is challenging. The thought of forgiving someone who has hurt you comes along with a host of overwhelming emotions stemming from both the person and the event itself.

Conversely, forgiveness is also powerful. While we’re unable to change the past, we can control how we respond to future events. Applying these strategies will initially be tough, and that is alright. Your feelings and reactions are normal (and shared by many people in similar circumstances). Know that with patience and time, it will get easier!

Supporting a Person Whose Friend or Family Completed Suicide

How do I help someone who lost a friend or family to suicide?





In 2019, 400 lives were lost to suicide in Singapore, and suicide is the leading cause of death for those aged between 10 – 29 years old. 

There are at least 2 sides to every suicide: The person who took his or her life, and those left to grieve.

It can be challenging to support someone who has lost a family or friend to suicide. What should I say? What if I say something that only makes them feel worse? Should I even say anything? These worries are perfectly understandable. After all, many people struggle to talk about suicide. While we may feel awkward or uncomfortable when talking about suicide, this should not stop us from showing support and offering assistance.  

While it may be challenging, your support can make a real difference in helping a person through their loss. 

Supporting Those Affected by Suicide Loss: A Guide for Compassionate Responses


Here are 3 key areas that that we will cover below that will guide you in your efforts to support someone who has lost a friend or family member to suicide: Being a good listener, the do’s and don’ts of what to say, and warning signs to look out for. 

How do I be a good listener to a grieving person? 


One of the most helpful things you can do for a grieving person is to simply lend a listening ear. This means to sit with him/her and listen to their feelings in a non-judgemental manner without imposing your personal opinions. Do not try to problem solve either.   

ACTIVE LISTENING is a great way of doing so!  

While our conversation partner is still speaking, we often get caught up in trying to formulate our response. A consequence of this is that we end up failing to fully grasp and understand what the other person is trying to convey. Instead of trying to find the right words, it is more important to let the grieving person express themselves and share with you the nature of the loss. Here are some useful tips on being a good active listener to a grieving person: 

  • Accept all feelings. Let him/her know that is okay for them to cry in front of you, break down, scream, or even laugh. They may be struggling with a whole array of new and even conflicting emotions like guilt, despair, blame, anger, and regret. These can be uncomfortable emotions, but it is better to let them out rather than bottling it up. Accept the emotions that they are experiencing and know that it will pass. There is no correct way to feel about loss. Ultimately, the person should feel free to express their feelings in a space that is free of judgement, argument, or criticism. 

  • Silence is okay. Be prepared for moments of awkward silences. Do not force the person to speak if they are not ready to. Instead, be willing to be present and show that you are ready to listen when they are ready to speak. 

  • Offer comfort without minimizing or trivializing the loss. Statements such as “It could be worse” do not help. Do not give unsolicited advice, claim to know what the person is feeling, or compare your grief with theirs. Such words are rarely helpful. Instead, let the person know that what they are feeling is okay and that it is a normal reaction to the situation.

What should I say to a grieving person? 

  • Acknowledge the situation and check in on how the grieving person is feeling. Do not assume to know or understand how the person is feeling. Assumptions often worsen the situation as they invalidate a person’s intense emotions. Instead, start off by acknowledging the situation so the person knows that you are willing to openly discuss the loss they have experienced. Next, give them the opportunity to express their feelings. For example, “I heard that ___ died by suicide. I’m sorry to hear this happened and I’m here when you need me. How are you feeling?” 

  • Reflecting and paraphrasing. This is a really useful way to show the grieving person that you are hearing their story! It helps to foster a better empathetic connection, which makes the person more comfortable in continuing to share their thoughts and emotions with you. For example, the person might say “I don’t even know where to start, everything feels terrible.” In response, consider saying something along the lines of “It sounds like you feel very overwhelmed and upset, this situation is taking an emotional toll on you.” See how you would be reflecting their underlying emotions back to them? 

  • Do not use cliches or platitudes to comfort. We often feel compelled to comfort the grieving person by saying things such as “time will heal” and “they are in a better place now”. While it comes from a place of good intentions, such words can minimize the depth of the person’s pain, leaving them feeling misunderstood and more isolated. Instead, check on how they’ve coped so far and explore what resources they've tried so far. 

Samaritans of Singapore Hotline: 1800 221 4444 

Institute of Mental Health’s Helpline: 6389 2222 

Singapore Association of Mental Health Helpline: 1800 283 7019 

You can also find a list of international helplines here.

Keep an eye out for warning signs 


It is not uncommon for a grieving person to feel depressed, angry, or disconnected from others. These emotions usually decrease in intensity over time. However, it might be indicative of a bigger cause for concern if the intense emotions don’t subside over time and the person does not appear to be capable of coping with the overwhelming emotions on a day-to-day basis. They may also display significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, interpersonal, or other important areas of functioning. Here are some other warning signs to look out for: 

  • Extreme focus on the death 

  • Talking about wanting to escape the pain / statements indicating they are considering ending their life 

  • Withdrawal from others 

  • Diminished experience pleasure from the things they used to enjoy 

  • Feelings of hopelessness 

  • A lack of concern for personal welfare or hygiene 

  • Excessive consumption of alcohol or other substances 

  • Trouble sleeping 

If you are concerned about a person in distress, it can be helpful to recommend that they see a psychologist. Let them know that it’s absolutely alright to seek out other additional help they may require.

Remember, everyone’s healing process is different, and healing takes time.

Sometimes, lots of time. 

Grief after losing someone to suicide can feel like a rollercoaster, but with support (from someone like yourself!), the ride can become significantly less scary.