How do I help someone who lost a friend or family to suicide?

In 2019, 400 lives were lost to suicide in Singapore, and suicide is the leading cause of death for those aged between 10 – 29 years old. 

There are at least 2 sides to every suicide: The person who took his or her life, and those left to grieve.

It can be challenging to support someone who has lost a family or friend to suicide. What should I say? What if I say something that only makes them feel worse? Should I even say anything? These worries are perfectly understandable. After all, many people struggle to talk about suicide. While we may feel awkward or uncomfortable when talking about suicide, this should not stop us from showing support and offering assistance.  

While it may be challenging, your support can make a real difference in helping a person through their loss. 

Supporting Those Affected by Suicide Loss: A Guide for Compassionate Responses

Here are 3 key areas that that we will cover below that will guide you in your efforts to support someone who has lost a friend or family member to suicide: Being a good listener, the do’s and don’ts of what to say, and warning signs to look out for. 

How do I be a good listener to a grieving person? 

One of the most helpful things you can do for a grieving person is to simply lend a listening ear. This means to sit with him/her and listen to their feelings in a non-judgemental manner without imposing your personal opinions. Do not try to problem solve either.   

ACTIVE LISTENING is a great way of doing so!  

While our conversation partner is still speaking, we often get caught up in trying to formulate our response. A consequence of this is that we end up failing to fully grasp and understand what the other person is trying to convey. Instead of trying to find the right words, it is more important to let the grieving person express themselves and share with you the nature of the loss. Here are some useful tips on being a good active listener to a grieving person: 

• Accept all feelings. Let him/her know that is okay for them to cry in front of you, break down, scream, or even laugh. They may be struggling with a whole array of new and even conflicting emotions like guilt, despair, blame, anger, and regret. These can be uncomfortable emotions, but it is better to let them out rather than bottling it up. Accept the emotions that they are experiencing and know that it will pass. There is no correct way to feel about loss. Ultimately, the person should feel free to express their feelings in a space that is free of judgement, argument, or criticism. 

• Silence is okay. Be prepared for moments of awkward silences. Do not force the person to speak if they are not ready to. Instead, be willing to be present and show that you are ready to listen when they are ready to speak. 

• Offer comfort without minimizing or trivializing the loss. Statements such as “It could be worse” do not help. Do not give unsolicited advice, claim to know what the person is feeling, or compare your grief with theirs. Such words are rarely helpful. Instead, let the person know that what they are feeling is okay and that it is a normal reaction to the situation.

What should I say to a grieving person? 

• Acknowledge the situation and check in on how the grieving person is feeling. Do not assume to know or understand how the person is feeling. Assumptions often worsen the situation as they invalidate a person’s intense emotions. Instead, start off by acknowledging the situation so the person knows that you are willing to openly discuss the loss they have experienced. Next, give them the opportunity to express their feelings. For example, “I heard that ___ died by suicide. I’m sorry to hear this happened and I’m here when you need me. How are you feeling?” 

• Reflecting and paraphrasing. This is a really useful way to show the grieving person that you are hearing their story! It helps to foster a better empathetic connection, which makes the person more comfortable in continuing to share their thoughts and emotions with you. For example, the person might say “I don’t even know where to start, everything feels terrible.” In response, consider saying something along the lines of “It sounds like you feel very overwhelmed and upset, this situation is taking an emotional toll on you.” See how you would be reflecting their underlying emotions back to them? 

• Do not use cliches or platitudes to comfort. We often feel compelled to comfort the grieving person by saying things such as “time will heal” and “they are in a better place now”. While it comes from a place of good intentions, such words can minimize the depth of the person’s pain, leaving them feeling misunderstood and more isolated. Instead, check on how they’ve coped so far and explore what resources they've tried so far. 

Keep an eye out for warning signs 

It is not uncommon for a grieving person to feel depressed, angry, or disconnected from others. These emotions usually decrease in intensity over time. However, it might be indicative of a bigger cause for concern if the intense emotions don’t subside over time and the person does not appear to be capable of coping with the overwhelming emotions on a day-to-day basis. They may also display significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, interpersonal, or other important areas of functioning. Here are some other warning signs to look out for: 

• Extreme focus on the death 

• Talking about wanting to escape the pain / statements indicating they are considering ending their life 

• Withdrawal from others 

• Diminished experience pleasure from the things they used to enjoy 

• Feelings of hopelessness 

• A lack of concern for personal welfare or hygiene 

• Excessive consumption of alcohol or other substances 

• Trouble sleeping 

If you are concerned about a person in distress, it can be helpful to recommend that they see a psychologist. Let them know that it’s absolutely alright to seek out other additional help they may require.

Remember, everyone’s healing process is different, and healing takes time.

Sometimes, lots of time. 

Grief after losing someone to suicide can feel like a rollercoaster, but with support (from someone like yourself!), the ride can become significantly less scary.