How to Deal with Passive Aggressive Colleagues

But what exactly is passive aggressiveness? 

Passive aggressiveness occurs when a person harbors negative feelings towards an individual and expresses those feelings in an indirectly harmful manner.

A person may feel negative feelings such as anger or jealousy, but instead of communicating honestly, they mask their emotions through indirect hostility.

These are some examples of displays of passive aggressiveness at the workplace: 

• The silent treatment 

• Chronically procrastinating on tasks 

• Intentionally neglecting their share of the workload or shirking responsibilities as a form of “retaliation” 

• Withholding information 

• Disguised insults and non-compliments 

• Downplaying or ignoring other people’s achievements 

• Sarcasm 

• Spreading rumors 

• Being silent, sulky, sullen and resentful to get attention or sympathy 

Passive aggressive behaviors are usually not immediately recognizable as “aggression”. After all, it is easier to notice aggression when people lash out at you. However, in the workplace, such behaviors create a toxic workplace environment, which comes along with a host of negative consequences such as burnout and lowered morale. Considering all these negative consequences, it is therefore important for passive aggressiveness to be carefully and effectively dealt with.

How should I respond to a passive aggressive colleague?

Responding to a passive aggressive colleague is tough and a great deal of patience is usually needed. This often comes with a hefty amount of stress and anxiety on your end too. However, equipping yourself with these skills goes a long way in making you a more confident and effective person!

Ψ Remove the reward

With many kinds of behaviors, a person will be more likely to engage in an action again if it is met with reinforcement. In the context of workplace passive aggressiveness, if you respond to a colleague’s behavior by going tit for tat, your response may actually end up reinforcing that colleague’s behavior such that it becomes even more likely for them to engage in passive aggressive behaviors again.

It can be difficult to resist the urge to respond to provocations by similarly being sarcastic or saying “it’s fine” when it actually is not. However, doing so is unlikely to get you anywhere and may even further escalate the conflict by perpetuating the person’s bad behavior. Instead, try to focus on keeping cool so you will remain composed and not act impulsively. The best way to achieve this is by giving the person objective, emotionally neutral responses whenever appropriate. For example, instead of using “you”, use first-person pronouns such as “I”, “we”, and “our”.

Ψ Ensure that expectations and deadlines are clearly and explicitly set at the start of any task or project

This is a good habit to carry out regardless of whether you have a passive-aggressive colleague or not. After all, communication is key! Ensure that you communicate diligently and set crystal clear expectations on the scope, expectations, and deadlines of any given project. To do this, confirm any discussions that you have about deadlines and actions in writing, send follow-up emails after meetings, or draft a performance agreement.

When this occurs, reasons such as “I did not know” become less plausible and it increases behavioral accountability. By ensuring that all communication is clear and understood by everyone, a passive-aggressive colleague will have to take responsibility for their own actions and have fewer opportunities to blame others for their mistakes.

Ψ Try to adopt an empathetic approach and understand the reasons behind their actions  

Why is your colleague acting this way? Do they derive happiness from making others feel manipulated? It might be easy to simply write off their behaviors as being due to a nasty personality or intentionally being difficult. However, studies have found that passive aggressive behavior is often driven by deep seated fears of being rejected, a lack of self-esteem, as well as insecurity or as a maladaptive way of handling conflicts. When we take on an empathetic approach, this enables us to better understand why people act the way that they do, and to select a more appropriate means of responding.

Ψ Create a Safe Environment

Finally, foster an environment where your colleagues know that it is safe for them to raise concerns and issues with you in an open, direct, and constructive manner, rather than in covert ways. Let your colleagues know that they can always approach you if they are facing any problems rather than letting them bubble beneath the surface. 

Of course, you will have to walk the talk too! You can create an encouraging and supportive workplace culture by fostering genuine, positive relationships with your colleagues.

Should you have any concerns about the well-being of your work team or wish to further support your employees, our Employee Assistance Program (EAP) aims to help employees in Singapore, from staff to managers, manage work- and personal-related issues that may otherwise result in a negative impact on their emotional well-being and job performance.

12 Tips To Cope with a Cancer Diagnosis and Treatment

Learning that you have cancer is a difficult experience. After being diagnosed, it’s natural to feel anxious, numb or angry and wonder how you can live with the long and at times painful days ahead.

These are normal reactions to an abnormal, or otherwise, unexpected situation.

Furthermore, it can be hard to deal with the pain resulting from the symptoms or the side effects from cancer treatment, such as medication or chemotherapy.

Cancer treatments can bring about many changes in your body, altering the way you look and how you feel about yourself and your body. The demands of treatment could also influence your personal relationships, making it challenging to navigate your daily life and usual routines. Fortunately, remember that these are obstacles you do not have to face alone.

Here are some tips to help you cope with the diagnosis: 

Ψ Learn as much as you can about your cancer diagnosis

Try to obtain as much basic, useful information about your condition as you need to make informed decisions about your medical care. Information can help you to know what to expect. Taking in information can feel difficult and overwhelming, especially when you have just been diagnosed. Make a list of questions you’d like to ask before you visit the doctor. Consider bringing a family member or friend with you to your appointments to help remind you your questions or to remember what you hear.

Remember that you don’t have to sort everything out at once. It could take some time to deal with each aspect of your condition. Ask for help if you require it.

Ψ Anticipate possible physical changes that you may experience  

Plan for changes in advance. You can prepare yourself now so that you will be better equipped to cope later. Check with your doctor what changes you should anticipate. For instance, if the drugs can cause hair loss, you can seek advice and help from image experts about wigs, clothing, or hairpieces to make you feel more comfortable.

In addition, consider how treatment may impact your daily activities. Ask your doctor whether you can expect to continue with your normal routine in case you may need to spend more time in the hospital or have frequent medical appointments.

Ψ Try to maintain your normal lifestyle as much as possible

Maintain your usual routines but be open to modifying them as necessary. Take one day at a time. It’s easy to overlook this simple strategy when you are distressed. When the future is uncertain, organising and planning may suddenly seem overwhelming. 

Ψ Adopt a healthy lifestyle

This can improve your energy level. Choose a healthy diet consisting of a variety of foods and get enough rest to help you navigate the stress and fatigue of breast/ovarian cancer and its treatment. Engaging in physical exercise during treatment can also be helpful!

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Ψ Review your goals, priorities and values 

Determine what is important to you in your life. Find some time to engage in the activities that are most meaningful and fulfilling to you.

Spend 3-5 minutes practicing the 60th Birthday Exercise to help you identify what is important to you and how you want to live your life.

Ψ Share your feelings.  

Talking about your emotions can be hard, but it can also bring comfort to you and the people who care about you. When you tell your loved ones what you are feeling, you give that person a chance to support you. You also give your relationship with that person a chance to grow. 

Cancer may affect your relationships. Communication can help reduce the anxiety and fear that cancer can cause.  

Ψ Be specific. 

When reaching out to others, be specific and clear about the kind of support you need. For example, saying something like, “Could you help me shop for groceries this week?” or “Could you help to drive me to my next doctor’s appointment?” gives a clear indication to your loved ones how to best support you.  

Being specific can also cut down frustration and reassure your family and friends that they are being helpful.  

Ψ Take steps to look and feel your best. 

Many women might feel uncomfortable with their appearance after having surgery or chemotherapy.  

If you had breast surgery or are experiencing hair loss, learn about some of the options available, such as breast prostheses and hair wigs. Give yourself time to adjust to changes and try different solutions until you find what makes you feel most comfortable! 

Ψ Let yourself feel loved and cared for. 

After a breast removal surgery or chemotherapy, you may find that regular activities such as dressing, undressing, bathing or being intimate with your partner or spouse, can give rise to complex emotions.  

You might feel so different that you stop taking care of your emotional and physical needs. This might cause you to even distance yourself emotionally from your partner. However, you can always make other choices, such as choosing to remain close to your partner or spouse. You deserve to feel loved and cared for.  

Ψ Talk to your spouse or partner about the physical closeness you need. 

Share how you feel about your body and talk about what you think or worry that your partner is feeling.  

Whatever your needs are – whether you have a need for physical affection, or if you are not yet interested in being physically intimate – let your partner know. He/she is most likely waiting for your signal to know what to do, how to act and what you need in order to best support you. 

Ψ Join support groups and talk to other people with cancer. 

Sometimes it will feel as though people who haven’t experienced a cancer diagnosis can’t fully understand how you are feeling. It might help to talk to others who have been in your situation. Other cancer survivors can share their personal experiences and shed some insight into what you can expect during treatment.

You may have a friend or family member who has had cancer. If not, you can also connect with other cancer survivors through local support groups in your area.

Ψ Develop your own coping strategies and practise self-compassion. 

Just as each person’s cancer treatment is likely individualised, so can your coping strategy!  

Here are some self-care ideas you can try out: 

• Practise relaxation and mindfulness techniques (e.g., progressive muscle relaxation, breath focus, guided imagery, or loving-kindness meditation) 

• These methods help cultivate a softer, more spacious and kinder mind, while fostering self-compassion and letting go of inner judgement and hostility towards oneself. 

• Keep your own personal journal to help organise your thoughts 

• Finding a source of spiritual support (e.g., from your religion) 

• Set aside time to be alone each day 

• Remain engaged with work and leisure activities as much as you can.
  

Seeking professional help

Even with various support groups and loved ones, the cancer journey may still feel incredibly lonely. You may wish to speak to a psychologist for support and to help you process complex emotions that may arise. Know that you are not alone, and that there is great strength in asking for help.

Gaslighting: Subtle Psychological Manipulation

There never seems to be a way out that you can find without slamming face first into your own reflection. Some mirrors even make you appear distorted, and you begin to questions which parts of this experience are real. To victims of gaslighting, this is an analogy of what it might feel like to be gaslighted.

What is Gaslighting?

(clue: it is not lighting a fire using gas)

Gaslighting is an insidious form of psychological manipulation that can have a profound effect on the individuals affected by it.

Gaslighting is a term used to describe when someone intentionally, and often successfully, manipulates another person into questioning their own memory, judgement, or reality. It is a form of psychological manipulation that occurs over a gradual period where the perpetrator takes advantage of a target by sowing seeds of doubt within them.

So how does gaslighting look like? 

A gaslighter (aka the abuser) may use tactics such as making false statements (which they will strenuously deny if challenged), disagreement with factual information and downplaying emotions, all in an effort to make the victim doubt their own perceptions.

Over time, victims are not only unsure about their perceptions of reality and even their own thoughts, but come to rely on the abuser to tell them the “truth” about.

The ultimate goal of gaslighting is to de-legitimise a victim’s thoughts and to cause them to question themselves. This can occur via a variety of techniques and behaviours that the gaslighter employs, which may look like: 

• Lying – “That’s not what I said, I said this…” 

• Discrediting – Telling people around you that they are concerned about your recent behaviour and that you might be “crazy”. 

• Distracting/Deflecting – “Why did you bring this up? What about the time you….” 

• Minimizing thoughts and feelings – “Why are you so sensitive?” 

• Shifting blame – “I only behave this way because you did so first. I wouldn’t do it if it weren’t for you.” 

• Denying wrongdoing – “I didn’t do anything wrong”  

• Changing the storyline – Retelling stories by changing it so that the storyline is in their favour.  

While gaslighting often occurs in romantic or familial relationships, it can sometimes occur in the workplace, with friends, or in schools. Several teachers in Singapore even complained about being “gaslighted” by an AI Chatbot designed to provide “AI therapy”!

Why do people gaslight? 

Gaslighting is often employed by narcissistic individuals looking to evade accountability.

By redirecting attention onto the supposed flaws or shortcomings of others, it reduces the likelihood of their own flaws being discovered. They might also believe that they are never at fault, naturally it would be easier to put the blame on others when things don’t go their way. As long as the victim believes they are flawed and need help, the gaslighter would never have to take responsibility for their actions and can continue behaving in the way they do.   

What are the effects of gaslighting 

Ψ Isolation  

Being gaslighted can make you feel extremely alone and dependent on the abuser. It may feel as if everyone around you thinks you have issues or even to the extent of feeling crazy, just as the abuser would describe. As you begin feeling more isolated, the behaviour of the abuser becomes more normal since there is nothing else to compare it to.  

Ψ Emotional Trauma 

Gaslighting has significant negative effects and can cause emotional trauma to the victim. Children exposed to traumatic events and abuse in childhood can become hypersensitive to such threats, and reduce their resistance to stressful events in future. Trauma can also lead to difficulties in emotional regulation in adulthood, alongside other physical issues such as somatic symptoms or heart disease. 

 Ψ Reduced self-esteem 

Prolonged emotional abuse can also lead to a loss in self-esteem, as you constantly feel that you’re never enough. You might begin wondering if you can believe in yourself to do anything correctly, or if you’re to blame for everything that has gone wrong. You might feel incapable of judging the situation realistically, and if you can accurately remember the details of situations. You might feel obliged to continue to stay in the abusive situation because it might feel like no one would believe you or want you anyway.  

Ψ Psychological issues

You might even feel nervous or afraid to say things, lest the abuser retaliates or no one believes you. Gaslighting can lead to psychological disorders such as anxiety, depression or even psychosis.  

Signs that you are being gaslighted

Unfortunately, gaslighting can be incredibly hard to detect without an outside perspective which could make it incredibly difficult for victims to identify what’s happening and take action before it’s too late. On the surface, what might seem as an innocuous quarrel between a couple or might in reality be more complex than a mere argument between two individuals.

It can be difficult to spot gaslighting within a relationship as the signs can appear “normalised” to you after some time. Recurring manipulation and abuse, coupled with the feelings of isolation and reduced self-esteem, causes the individual to constantly doubt themselves and the reality that surrounds them.

If you identify with some of these emotions and suspect that you are being gaslighted, the following are several signs that can indicate gaslighting behaviour. 

Ψ Repeated patterns of manipulation  

“Nope, that didn’t happen” 

“Your memory is getting so bad!” 

“You’re being so sensitive”  

These statements are often used by gaslighters to manipulate you.

While they might be common statements used in many arguments, it is important to note that these statements are often used throughout by the gaslighter in the relationship. This happens often enough such that it forms a consistent pattern in a relationship.  

Ψ Being invalidated constantly

When expressing your needs or concerns, the gaslighter often invalidates you by calling you oversensitive, convincing you that you’re unstable, and how everyone around you thinks you’re crazy.   

Ψ Deflection

When it comes to finger pointing, no one can beat a gaslighter. As soon as you bring up a topic that is concerning to you, they either change the topic or manage to turn it around to pin the blame on you for something completely irrelevant.   

Ψ Losing a sense of self 

When you begin second guessing your own judgment and perceptions of events that happened, it almost feels as if you lost your identity and status as an individual. Perhaps you begin wondering if everything the gaslighter is saying is true, that you’re weak and not enough, that you’re too sensitive, and you cannot stand up for yourself. You start to wonder if you’ve been like this all this while. Perhaps it’s true and you begin to accept it.  

Ψ Walking on eggshells

What happens when you start convincing yourself that it is not as bad as it seems? You just have to be careful every time you interact with them and ensure not to say the wrong thing, right? You become afraid to voice your opinions for fear of getting shot down or because you’ve learnt that your opinions don’t matter anymore. You live as though you’re always on the edge of your seat and get spooked by every little thing.  

What can you do if you are being gaslighted?  

Here are a few steps you can take to protect yourself from being gaslighted.  

Ψ End the conversation  

When you find yourself being gaslighted, understand that the abuser might be overwhelmed and unable to control the words that they use. That does not mean that it is okay, hence you should try to end the conversation as soon as possible. Set appropriate boundaries and let them know that you do not wish to continue the conversation if they are only going to continue to berate you.  

Ψ Save evidence for yourself  

Recording conversations and saving receipts of text messages can help you remember that your reality is not based off of what one person says. It helps you recall that you’re not the one that remembered things wrongly or did something that you didn’t. Do be careful when confronting an abuser with evidence, for it might result in an even more explosive outburst.   

Ψ Getting an outsider’s perspective  

When you’ve lived in the world of the abuser for too long, it can be difficult to identify what’s real and what’s not. A trusted individual outside of the relationship (perhaps an old friend of yours) can help to give a different perspective from yours, helping you untangle the web of distortion.  

Being a victim of gaslighting can feel invalidating, dismissive, and most of all, lonely. Keep in mind the abuser wants to make you forget about who you once were, before the relationship. This process can be gruelling especially if you’ve been a victim for a long time. Do not hesitate to reach out to us for help!

Coping with Insecurities

You may feel a lot of self-doubt, questioning your capabilities and achievements. You may be engaging in negative self-talk – “No one wants to hang out with me because I’m ugly, boring, and useless”.

Interacting with an emotionally insecure person may also be difficult because (1) you may find it challenging to think of an appropriate reply to their expressed negativity, and (2) some individuals can get very defensive when topics of their personal insecurities are brought up, regardless of intentionality.  

Why do people feel insecure?

Ψ Insecure parent-child relationship and attachment

Emotional security develops from as early as childhood, when personal parent-child relationship(s) are critical.

When an individual does not have a secure base during childhood (inconsistent support, caregivers(s) not readily available to meet their needs, lack of validation and comfort during distress, etc), they may grow up with an insecure attachment. An insecure attachment refers to feelings of uncertainty and fearfulness of what is to come. During adulthood, this manifests as individual charactered by a poor self-image and high levels of anxiety.

People who experience high levels of insecurity also tend to have a highly critical inner voice. This critical inner voice may stem from traumatic or painful early life experiences that the individual either experienced or witnessed firsthand, or indirectly through close others.These experiences can be unconsciously integrated as one grows up and expressed as patterns of destructive/sabotage-like thoughts towards oneself and/or others. 

The expression of negative affect from one’s parents during childhood until adolescence also contributes to emotional insecurity. Examples include hostility and/or irritability expressed towards the child or another individual in the presence of the child. 

Ψ Personal experience coupled with internalization problems  

Emotional insecurity can stem from negative experiences encountered by an individual. Examples of such experiences include: failing a task, being rejected by another individual, lack of validation for effort and results). While the effects of negative experiences differ from person to person, we can all agree that being judged by another individual is often daunting and discouraging. 

Ψ Personal difficulties 

An individual with anxiety or depression may be more prone to emotional insecurity due to their core beliefs about themselves and/or others. Perfectionist may also find it difficult to keep up to their high and sometimes unrealistic expectations consistently, which leads to feelings of insecurity. 

Managing your emotional insecurities

We are often our biggest and harshest critic.

“How can I be so stupid?” 

“If only I did this and that, it is all my fault.” 

Sounds familiar?  

Getting out of a spiral of negative self-talk is easier said than done. It may seem almost impossible to manage these discouraging thoughts. They can be loud and incredibly persuasive. That said, with sufficient practice, this can be overcome.

1. Establish a clear boundary when it comes to negative self-talk. Instead of having your inner voice speak in first person, attempt to have them in second person. For example, instead of “How can I be so stupid?”, try “How can you be so stupid?”. This allows you to internally process the critics as external rather than internal criticisms. This may be a tough and emotional first step but trust the process.  

2. Think about what thoughts and feelings are triggered when you speak critically towards yourself in a second person perspective. Does it trigger some memories in the past? Do some of the words sound familiar from early life experiences, be it from your parents or friends? This step is helpful in revealing some root causes of the harsh self-criticism(s) and some discrepancies between your true and critiqued self. 

3. This next step may feel a little awkward or unnatural, but stay with us. Pick up a pen or a recorder and write or vocalize in second person one criticism or insecurity. Answer the criticism or insecurity truthfully just like you would to a friend. This step can help debunk some deep-rooted untrue fact(s) about yourself in the present moment. For example, you could have an insecurity about your bloated tummy after a meal. Think about how much your body has done and is doing for you, and the natural processes that occurs before, during and after a meal. Writing or speaking to yourself just like how you would to a friend can bring out the rational and logical side of you, easing the process of debunking some negative self-talks you may experience in your daily life. 

4. Think about how these negative self-talks are influencing/affecting your day-to-day life. Do you catch yourself being highly defensive when someone speaks to you about an insecurity? Catch how these negative self-talks is affecting your life  in terms of your thoughts, opinions, feelings and actions. 

5. This is the last, and possibly the hardest step. Take small actionable steps to change the influence your negative self-talks have on your behavior. For example, if you are internally thinking: “You are going to be rejected from that job.”, and if this usually deters you for going for a potential opportunity, attempt step three, and go for it. It is time to interrupt those negative thoughts depriving you from new opportunities and experiences, unleash your true self. You will feel some form of internal discomfort, from greater anxiety to louder negative inner voice. However, do not give into those voices, pull yourself apart from what they are telling you and through perseverance, they will weaken over time. Think of negative self-talks as evil creatures trying to lure you into their little bubble, depriving you of potentially good life experiences and fruitful learning opportunities.  

Emotional insecurities are normal… until it’s not 

Everyone goes through periods of uncertainty and doubt for various reasons. So, when do you know that your emotional insecurities are getting out of hand?

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Does it affect your day-to-day functioning?

• Are you able to get out of the rut and move on with your day after getting your work proposal rejected?

Should you find yourself struggling to move on with this feeling of inferiority that is disrupting your daily living, reach out for professional help. Our clinical and counselling psychologists strive to create a safe and non-judgemental space to work with you through this journey towards confidence and well-being. Being your vulnerable authentic self helps your psychologist help you.   

Seeking professional help  

Differing based on each individual’s needs, wants and goals, the psychologist will work closely with you to help you better manage your underlying and present difficulties. Behavioural, cognitive and/or affective approach(es) may be adopted. These approaches all have one overarching aim: 

• To challenge unhealthy thoughts/feelings you may have towards yourself 

• Teaching you techniques to overcome these thoughts/feelings 

• Making actionable steps to change your behaviour caused by those thoughts/feelings 

These insecurities may seem tough, or even impossible to overcome. If you find yourself struggling to get by the day due to those internal voices, do not feel afraid to reach out to a mental health professional. Take it day by step and applaud all that progress you make, regardless of how small it may be. You’re not alone in this battle.  

Coping with Betrayal: Healing from Broken Trust

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When someone you love breaks your trust & heart

Betrayal can hurt as badly as a physical wound. Do you allow the hurt feelings to hold you captive or put them behind you? How do you move past the hurt and begin to heal?

What is betrayal?

Betrayal comes in many forms. Not limited to infidelity, betrayal can include breaking promises, lying or withholding information, not prioritising a relationship, or disclosing information that was shared in confidence. It can be experienced by anyone, and is not exclusive to any gender. 

Why does betrayal hurt so much?

Betrayal entails the violation of someone’s trust and confidence. When people enter a committed relationship, they agree to live by the core values of a relationship (e.g., trust, commitment, respect). When one partner breaks the bond of trust, it erodes the foundation of the relationship. It affects the betrayed partner’s self-esteem and makes them doubt their self-worth. It also leaves the betrayed partner feeling confused as they begin to doubt everything the betrayer has said and done. People who have been betrayed may find it difficult to trust people, which hinders them from forming meaningful relationships.

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How do I cope with betrayal in a relationship?

Ψ Acknowledge the betrayal

The betrayal might have come as a shock to you. It is often difficult to wrap our minds around how and why a trusted confidante would betrayed you. However, to heal, you need to recognise and accept that the betrayal has happened. This does not mean that you are fine with it but as a stepping stone, you need to acknowledge that the act took place. 

Ψ Name your emotions 

Anger, sadness, disgust, insecurity, and loneliness — You might experience a whirlwind of emotions in the aftermath of a betrayal. These are legitimate feelings of betrayal. Do not deny or suppress them. Label these feelings. You may even want to write them down. 

 Ψ Spend time apart 

Avoid the person physically and electronically, if possible. Taking time away will reduce the intensity of your negative emotions, placing you in a better position to rationally think and process what had happened. You should not feel pressured to make a decision in response to the betrayal.

Ψ It’s ok to grieve

Allow yourself to grieve the relationship that you have lost. In some cases, you may also be grieving the future that you had imagined. During the recovery process, you may experience the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Note that this is not a linear process. You may find it helpful to journal your thoughts and what you felt are your losses.

Ψ Resist the temptation to retaliate 

It is normal to feel the urge to get back at the person who betrayed you and make them suffer. Planning revenge will only delay your healing process, and prolong your pain. 

Ψ Talk to a confidante 

Emotional support from your loved ones will be crucial during this stressful time. Speak with someone whom you trust. If you are not comfortable, you need not share what happened. You can share your feelings and thoughts about the incident, or just seek companionship from your loved ones. It would be best to find someone who can stay neutral, and not add fuel to the fire. 

Ψ Reflect on the relationship  

Examine your relationship, and be realistic about it. Some issues might have existed in your relationship before the betrayal. Your relationship did not turn sour overnight. It would be a good time for you to figure out how much the relationship means to you to determine if you should salvage or end the relationship. After gaining insights into the problems, you could then think about how things need to change should you and your partner wish to continue the relationship.  

An example of a thought journal to help you to better understand the links between your thoughts and feelings, and make sense of them

Ψ Have a conversation with the person 

When you feel ready, have a conversation with the person who betrayed you. Let the person know how their actions made you feel. To prevent the person from getting defensive, try to focus on the impact on you rather than what they did. One way would be to use the “I” statements which starts with “I”, e.g.., “I felt hurt and angry when you…”. 

Allow the person to share their side of the story too so that you can understand how the betrayal came about. Note if they are trying to defend their actions or genuinely seeking forgiveness. 

Ψ Try to forgive 

See if you can forgive the betrayer. Forgiveness does not mean condoning the action; it is deciding to move past the hurt and move on with your life. Forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. Feelings of resentment and bitterness from the lack of forgiveness will take a toll on your physical and emotional well-being. 

If you wish to continue the relationship, forgiveness will be crucial to bring the relationship forward. You could let the person know that you have decided to forgive them but explain that it will take time for you.

Ψ Decide how to take the relationship forward 

You have to decide if you want to forgive the person and rebuild the relationship, or end it for good. You may also consider a temporary separation as an option. Some considerations underlying this decision include: 

• Is the person a repeat offender? 

• Was it unintentional? 

• Does the person acknowledge the pain that they have inflicted on you? 

• Is the person genuinely remorseful? 

• Has the person accepted responsibility for their actions? 

Ψ Be kind to yourself 

You may feel somewhat responsible, and wonder what you might have done wrong. Do not blame yourself for the betrayal. The person has to take responsibility for their actions. 

Forgive yourself for saying and doing things on the spur-of-the-moment when you discovered the betrayal. 

Be patient with yourself. Recovering from the hurt is a tough journey. Do not rush yourself to move on. Engage in self-care activities such as eating well, getting enough sleep, and spending time doing things you enjoy. 

Ψ Seek professional help 

If you find yourself ruminating on the betrayal and hurt, or your behaviours have changed since the betrayal and they are impairing your daily life, seek guidance from a mental health professional. Professional help could also address the damage the betrayal has caused to your sense of identity, self-esteem, and sense of security. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.  

If you are dealing with romantic betrayal, you could speak with our marriage and family therapists (Ling Ling and Wendy) and our clinical psychologists who have experience working with couples who struggle with marriage and family difficulties (e.g., Yuka).  

Moving past from the hurt of a betrayal is a painful and difficult journey. Some days may be tougher than the rest where you just wish to wallow in self-pity and wound the betrayer back. These responses and acute negative emotions are normal. The key is to remain kind to yourself and lean on your loved ones throughout this recovery process.